Be forewarned. The following content might be considered ... provocative. But fear not, Snuphy points the way with insight on trailers to the trailers of the upcoming Modern Warfare 2.
It’s like getting a hard on in the grocery store.
I’m happy my little buddy peps up. It’s a simple way my body reaffirms that all systems are functional. A reminder from the little proboscis that he’s still around, and he’ll be back again soon enough for another visit.
But what the hell good does a rager do me standing in the produce aisle? It’s not like I can turn to the nearest feminine stranger, point to my groin and whisper, “boner, can you help?” Nor am I going to be caught pulling a PeeWee Herman in the parking lot. Nor am I going to phone my wife and tell her to get ready because I’m sprinting home with something special for her.
Perhaps there was a time when I would have done one or more of these things. But I’ve matured slightly. I’m now too old to play.
These days, my more mature self would probably phone a friend. “Dude! I’m in the Piggly Wiggly and I’m hard as Kriptonite! Hehehehe. Um, hehe. Whoah! There’s your mom! I’m going to talk to her!”
Honestly, when it happens, I’m more likely to pause to marvel at the irony of the situation. I appreciate that at least one part of my aging body still works, even if the bugger’s timing is puzzling. I wonder if the little bastard will be so energetic 12 hours later, after the kids are in bed, a time when I could use his assistance. I wonder if the lady lovingly restocking bananas had noticed the bulge in my shorts. I’d find the event amusing. After all, it’s not every day that I end up sporting wood looking for fresh peaches, melons and mangoes.
Nor is it every day that a teaser trailer is released for a favorite game franchise. A trailer many of us have been yearning to see since summer of ’07. A trailer that, by my CoD biorhythms, shouldn’t have arrived until June. A trailer for one of the most popular console gaming franchises available today.
My trigger finger spasmed uncontrollably when I read the news.
You may have heard by now: Modern Warfare 2 is coming!!
The discovery of the trailer was exciting indeed. So exciting that I emailed a link to the video to everyone I know, even some Halo fans. Then, boss be damned, I cranked my computer’s speaker volume to max, and I played the video at work. When it finished, I played it again.
The trailer was definitely of the “teaser” variety. It was essentially a horizontal, vibrating, green line stolen from an Allman Brothers concert. It fluttered on a black background. Green tinted images flashed periodically, temporarily displacing the funky line. Sounds of people coughing and unzipping their trousers were heard. Then a loud explosion was followed by quickly flashing, random, meaningless images clearly intended to throw people my age into a helpless, epileptic seizure.
It ended with the only two potentially useful bits of news. First, the title, Modern Warfare 2 has no mention of the words “Call of Duty”. Second and most importantly, the release date has been pegged for the artful 11-10-09.
Later that day, when my lunch break rolled around, I replayed the video. This time around, I noticed the interface included an “analyze” option. Pressing it added the ability to manually scroll through footage frame by frame, forwards and backwards, fast or slow. I did not find enlightenment within those frames. Anxious to learn more, I moved on.
I quickly found websites that provided play by play breakdowns in video and pictorial formats. There was translation of foreign language, descriptions of what transpired behind the green line, and theories about what the game’s objectives and setting might be. There were also tons of cool things discovered in the flashing images. Dudes found helicopters, a landing pad, a parachute, a submarine, an oil rig, blown up stuff, a monopoly board, and a teddy bear. Someone even found Jesus!
My visually induced fit had apparently prevented me from discovering most of these things for myself. Still, I was pumped. I felt overpowering urges to hum Ramblin’ Man and play Modern Warfare 1.
Then I did something I never did when I was much younger, way back when I was say 39.
I glanced at my calendar.
It was March 25th.
Shit.
Release was more than seven months away. Even I could figure out that is more than half a year off. Using my abacus, I estimated 225 days until game release. That’s 5,400 hours. Or that’s. . . . . oh hell. Screw the seconds. It already sounded like a really long time.
It was way too early to justify the level of excitement that I felt. So I decided to temper my enthusiasm. I prudently left my quest for all things MW2 to make sure news of the trailer had made the CoD forums and Tank's gaming news. I checked in on my clan, and then spent the rest of lunch working my long vagina.
Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a good tease from time to time. It can be an excellent part of foreplay. But there’s only so much I can take. I need my fleshy, phallic friend to complete his happy dance before something turns blue or I fall asleep. Call me old, impatient, or greedy if you wish. But if there’s no release in sight for the near future, I’m perfectly happy taking matters into my own hands, and moving on.
Now that some time has passed, I’m pleased I didn’t get caught up in the whirlwind of hype generated by the trailer. There really wasn’t anything definitive about the game shared with us. There sure as hell wasn’t any gameplay footage, or even an in game screen shot. We were given a montage of mystery devoid of any clear, factual game information. Its sole purpose was to raise both hype and speculation. I can’t raise either for seven months.
What we did get is an allegedly firm, even if predictable, release date. That serves as a solid reminder that our friends at Infinity Ward are feverishly working to take us back to that happy place that is war. It’s an indication they are on track, and the franchise will continue in good health. I find this news very comforting.
Erections can be finicky and unpredictable. I’ve battled this one back to flaccidity for now. But the Electronic Entertainment Expo is on the horizon for June. Something new is sure to surface during that event. That something new will likely reveal a little more about the game, stripping away a tad more of the mystery that continues to obscure our leers towards the juicy bits within.
My peppy, little friend is sure to reappear. When he does, will he be docile and well behaved? Or will he be a stubborn, uncontrollable monster?
I’m looking forward to finding out.
Snuphy will be back soon with an update to this as obviously, there's been yet another trailer for the game since he penned the column. -- ed.
