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What do you say?

LadyisRed

Shared on Mon, 03/05/2007 - 11:33
I've been posting on bulletin boards for 4 years now. I started Over at babycenter.com and then moved to private MSN boards when the trolls became too much. Over those four years I have become really good friends with quite a few women. Some of them to this day I have never met, but count as close friends. One friend specifically has been there from the very beginning. We have met up when I have gone on trips to Utah, and sent her sympathy through her first and then second miscarriages. She listened to me whine when Shakes was unemployed and we lived with my parents. I did the happy dance for her when she got pregnant the third time and made it past 12 weeks. Then had a true celebration when he was born, and immediately started praying for them when he ended up in NICU for a week with an unexplained infection. Then late last summer I found out she was pregnant again. she made it past 12 weeks and we all breathed a sigh of relief. Then at her 20 week ultra sound, when most moms are finding out the sex, they found out the baby had a class two tumor ton its spine causing a lack of blood to its brain and over taxing the heart, which had a defect, and blocking the bladder from emptying. I have cried for her each time I read her blog now (she has dropped off the Internet otherwise.) Then to add insult to injury, she ended up in the hospital on bed rest from Preeclampsia.
My heart broke yesterday when I went to read her blog and found out that her baby had been born and had died on Friday.
What do you say? Me with my healthy babies. Heck, mine are born a full month early and are as healthy as can be. What do you say? "I'm sorry"? Sure its heartfelt, but it feels trite.
She has already commented how much she hates flowers now after everyone sent her some after the Ultra Sound. She looks at them and they remind her why she is so sad. I just feel like I'm not qualified to offer any comfort when I cant comprehend what she is going through.
I will email her and tell her how sorry I am (even if the words feel vastly inadequate.) I will pray for her and her family. however, I still want to reach out to her more, but what can I say that will not feel like sawdust coming out of my mouth?

Comments

wareaglebeene1's picture
Submitted by wareaglebeene1 on Mon, 03/05/2007 - 11:39
Sometime it is not what you say but just the fact that you are there and ready to listen.
Zikan's picture
Submitted by Zikan on Mon, 03/05/2007 - 11:42
Sometimes I think there really is nothing to say other than "I'm sorry. I care and I'm here if and when you need me." Job friends did great for the first week when they were silent, it's when they opened their traps that they caused all the trouble. :)
BalekFekete's picture
Submitted by BalekFekete on Mon, 03/05/2007 - 11:46
I'll echo the responses above. In a time like this, there is nothing anyone not personally involved in the situation can do (and even then, they can't do much either). What we can do from the outside is be there for support, be an active ear to listen with, and a shoulder to lean on - and more often than not cry on - during the times of need. Like you, hearing these stories makes me both appreciate what I have (three healthy, happy - usually at least - well adjusted kids) and scared that something awful could be lurking around the proverbial corner. Fortunately the former emotion squashes the later quite easily. B.
JollyRoger's picture
Submitted by JollyRoger on Mon, 03/05/2007 - 11:49
Hey there Lady. I would just tell her you will be lifting her up to the Father. He can lend comfort where there is hurt in only a way that God can. He can carry her burden, love her with Agape love, heal her of her pain both physically and emotionally. Prayer is a powerful thing, it is our direct-connect with God. I will pray for her now. Take care and God bless.
Stryker927's picture
Submitted by Stryker927 on Mon, 03/05/2007 - 12:01
Being willing to listen if she needs to vent, willing to pray for her or with her, and just constantly reminding her that you are "there" for her in whatever capacity that the distance that separates will allow. This is the constant struggle for me with "virtual" friends. You grow to care for them but when life gets tough, you feel useless. I know that I have wanted to reach out before and felt like just an email wasn't enough. But I have found that just offering a word of encouragement, letting someone know you are thinking of them, praying for them does work and have gotten feedback later on about how good that was for them. We don't know what things are at work, but every little bit counts and can be used for good of those people. Especially if "He" is in the mix. ;)
Big0ne's picture
Submitted by Big0ne on Mon, 03/05/2007 - 12:01
I think just telling her that you know the words "I'm sorry" aren't enough but you will be there for her in any way possible. It's the thought that truly counts in this case. Your friend will understand that.
Lbsutke's picture
Submitted by Lbsutke on Mon, 03/05/2007 - 12:02
Just being there to listen sometimes is just as good (if not better) as trying to say something nice.
DruishPrincess's picture
Submitted by DruishPrincess on Mon, 03/05/2007 - 12:32
I agree with everyone else. Just being there for her will mean a lot.
Devonsangel's picture
Submitted by Devonsangel on Mon, 03/05/2007 - 12:44
Ask her what what you can do in this time. Obviously flowers and superficial gestures are meaningless to her. Don't be afraid to ask.

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