WTF???

Picture this.  I'm sleeping deeply about 4:30 this morning.  Suddenly, lights come on all over the house.  I wake up to my wife standing over me, trembling, whispering urgently (the kids are still asleep), "There's a fucking snake in the den!!"  Now I don't wake up quickly and it takes my eyes a few minutes to focus clearly, but  I get up and go look, and sure enough there is a 1' snake on the floor.  We look at the snake, look at each other, the bewilderment evident in our eyes, and wonder how the hell we're going to get that thing out of our house.  My darling wife, who's been awake 5 minutes longer than me, goes and gets a pillow case says, "Put it in here".  Jesus Christ, woman, I'm supposed to hold it open and politely ask the snake to crawl in?  So I throw the pillow case on top of the snake.  Ok, out of sight, now I can think.  The damn thing crawled out from under the pillow case so I threw a towel on it, anything to keep it from under the furniture.  Keep in mind, I haven't had my morning pee yet, so I have happy feet anyway trying to keep from wetting the floor, my adrenaline is reaching critical levels, and I'm not really alert and oriented yet.  The wife goes and gets a broom.  "Hold the pillow case open and sweep him in"  I think the look on my face expressed exactly what I thought of that idea.  Keep in mind I have no idea what kind of snake this is.  I should add that my wife was bitten by a baby rattler when she was 4 and almost died so she has an understandable fear of snakes.  The legless spawn of Satan is now wiggling out from under the towel when I finally remember I have some heavy leather gloves for working on barbed wire.  Grab those, grab the snake just as he's getting under the couch, carried him outside, gently laid him on the ground, and beat the shit out of him with a shovel.

So, how's your day so far?