Chili Contest

-CHILI CONTEST-
*Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay
attention to thefirst two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even
better!*

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how
true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the
Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the
Astrodome.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster
named Frank, who was
visiting Texas from the East Coast:
Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a
judge at a chili
cook-off. The Judge ..3 called in sick at the last moment
and I happened
to be standing there at the judges table asking for
directions to the
Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured
by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldnt
be all that spicy and,besides, they told me I could have
free beer
during the tasting,so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili .. 1 (Mikes Maniac Mobster Monster Chili)
Judge .. 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing
kick.
Judge .. 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge .. 3 (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff?
You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope thats the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili .. 2 (Arthurs Afterburner Chili)
Judge .. 1 Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge .. 2 Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers
to be taken seriously.
Judge .. 3 Keep this out of the reach of children. Im
not sure what Im supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.
Chili .. 3 (Freds Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili)
Judge .. 1 Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs
more beans.
Judge .. 2 A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of
peppers.
Judge .. 3 Call the EPA. Ive located a uranium spill. My
nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now: Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on
the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. Im getting shit-faced from all of the beer!
Chili .. 4 (Bubbas Black Magic)
Judge .. 1 Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge .. 2 Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side
dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge .. 3 I felt something scraping across my tongue,
but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 400 pound bitch is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste Im eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili .. 5 (Lindas Legal Lip Remover)
Judge .. 1 Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge .. 2 Chili using shredded beef, could use more
tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge .. 3 My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I
told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if Im burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
Chili .. 6 (Veras Very Vegetarian Variety)
Judge .. 1 Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
balance of spices and peppers.
Judge .. 2 The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge .. 3 I shit myself when I farted and Im worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Cant feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chili .. 7 (Susans Screaming Sensation Chili)
Judge .. 1 A mediocre chili with too much reliance on
canned peppers.
Judge .. 2 Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw
in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge number three. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge .. 3 You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
the pin, and I wouldnt feel a thing! Ive lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water! My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth! My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, theyll know what killed me. Ive decided to stop breathing, its too
painful. Screw it, Im not getting any oxygen anyway. If I
need air, Ill just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili .. 8 (Tommys Toe-Nail Curling Chili)
Judge .. 1 The perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge .. 2 This final entry is a good, balanced chili.
Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge number three passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not
sure if hes going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how
hed have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge .. 3 (moans...and then shits one more time.)