Our E3 team managed to survive a week of Southern California heat, crushing masses of unbathed gaming journalists, conferences, playable demos, parties, spontaneous photography, endless walking...
...and the exhausting experience of having to deal with one of our most disturbed 2o2p members and LA resident, Lbsutke (LB).
I need a bike with LED lights that spell “I EAT SOULS”...it’s for a friend.
The Arrival
Despite taking separate planes from different cities, Joel, Tiff, and Derek arrived, as a group, at LAX. Weary from the long ride, the team wanted nothing more than a short nap at the hotel before taking in a bit of LA nightlife. However, their hotel shuttle was boxed in by an ominous figure driving a 64 Chevy Impala...Lbsutke. He urged the group to hurry up and get in the car, due to the fact that the airport is the first place that the cops will look.
A few hours spent relaxing with beer samplers and gigantic fucking pizzas took a turn for the worse when LB demanded entry into E3. He ranted the he quit taking his meds so he could drink with them, and that letting him tag along was the least they could do. Goodnight LB.
Day One
The first day at E3 is usually the big one, and this year was no exception. The team was scheduled to attend the Microsoft and EA conferences. Sony’s press conference was also on Day One, but chose to snub 2Old2Play this year, because they hate mature gamers....and they throw kittens at the elderly when no one is looking.
But at least Microsoft knows how to treat our E3 team, graciously providing early priority seating for Derek, Joel, and Tiff. Thank you Microsoft, for not making the three amigos stand in line with the common rabble. They were likely too dehydrated to sob properly.
EA is always a big draw at E3, and there was no way that the team was going to miss that conference, despite the fact that all three of them have expressed animosity towards EA at some point. Metal detectors at the door meant that Joel had to stash his “Revengemaster 2000” rifle in a trash can outside the conference room. He’s not a big EA fan.
A long day of conferences and game reveals ended, and it was time to call it a day. However, LB had been waiting for the E3 team in the hot SoCal sun all day, and was immediately jealous of Derek’s Titanfall shirt, demanding that he hand it over. Derek would not give up the shirt and LB vowed to get even.
Remember, I know where you are staying and what room...AND I GIVE ZERO FUCKS ABOUT WARNING SIGNS!
Oh yeah, there may have been a Twitch party that night.
Day Two
The guys took on Bethesda while Tiff prowled the Square Enix show. The guys were still providing reasonably coherent notes, which indicated that the Twitch party didn’t get too out of hand. However, the crowds on Day Two were relentless, since there was no huge conference to keep them off the floor.
No sign of LB...and there may have been a Wargaming party that night.
Day Three
The late nights were beginning to take their toll on our intrepid trio. Derek and Joel switched from beer to the hard stuff to make it through Activision and Deep Silver. Joel was supposed to accompany Tiff to the Sega booth, but claimed he would puke if he had to look at another Sonic the Hedgehog game, so Tiff went alone. The notes, by now, were almost illegible, if the writing staff received them at all. I’m still waiting on those Deep Silver notes, Derek.
That night, a sober (looking) and somber Lbsutke arrived at the hotel with a sack of Subway sandwiches for our hungry E3 team. The food poisoning lasts nearly two full weeks, and all three of them still become violently ill when they hear the Subway jingle.
I brought you guys some dinner. Eat Fresh!
Day Four
Still passing lunch meat and honey oat bread at both ends, the three E3’ers troopered on, but the heat, crowds, alcohol, and salmonella had pushed their constitutions to the limit. The group was sick and weary, and in no mood to pose for any pictures. The plan was to blow through Hauppage and Turtle Beach, then get the fuck out of town.
There was a bit of a problem at the airport, and the Nolans were unable to return home that night, prompting Derek to tweet: “Hey @USAirways, how about you fuck yourselves for being completely incompetent.” However, they managed to score a very nice suite at the Sheraton, then caught a plane back home to Boston the next day.
Hello, US Airways, this is Derek Nolan and I wish to cancel my return flight to Boston, please.
The End
Thanks to Derek, Tiff, and Joel for providing awesome notes and a healthy supply of pictures and impressions. We can only hope that you had as much fun as it looked like you had.
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to real people (living or dead) or actual events is purely coincidental.
