I take the elevator because I’m lazy and the guy in the stairwell has made unwanted advances toward me.

I like the idea of Chap Stick, but I don’t know if I am all about the execution of it.  I am definitely not into lip balm maybe because it seems too high society for me.  I seem a man in a top hat with a cane standing next to a fire place and he says: “Wilson, once I am finished with my snifter of brandy, would you fetch me my lip balm.”  You know it’s the same kind of people who have really small dogs because they are fancy and serve little purpose.  You can’t eat them and they aren’t good for fending off adversaries at least not large ones.

 

I think I would rather have latex surgically glued to my lips in winter or maybe some LED’s that flash different colors.  I bought some Burt’s Bee’s Wax balm for my hands a few winters ago and it worked really well but it made my hands super greasy and then I was told I was using too much.  How much of a good thing is too much?  I mean I had never felt as alive as when my hands were high on Burt’s Bee’s Was Balm.  I had rainbows of smooth skin pulsating on my hands.  People would stop and stare at the radiant sheen of my glowing skin.  They would ask me how I did it.  I would lie and say human flesh, joke was on them.  And while satisfying, human flesh will give you gas but no glowing skin sheen like Burt’s Wax.

 

I’ve probably said this before but I am just not a big fan of the turkey leg, maybe for hitting a sibling in the head with but eating? Nay, I’m a breast man…all white meat baby!

 

I think if I were a cow, I could get away with hoffing someone in the face.  Hoffing is what cows do when they are getting provoked, hoofing someone in the face is all about love.  People would say what did you do to provoke that poor cow, but if you just walk up to Jim in the mail room and kick him in the face, like some cool round house kick.  People say you’re the crazy one, even if Jim is an ancient evil and you did some cool four feet off the ground ninja kick, no style points in real life just restraining orders.  That’s how Shoguth and Cthulhu will take over the world through passive aggression and restraining orders.