Where's Waldo

Let me begin this blog with a very simple statement...

I HAVE A PROBLEM.

I am sure those of you in The Duty have figured out by now that I have more than one problem.  But this one borders on being serious. 

I am not addicted to anything, per se.  Actually that is a lie.  I have been dipping or chewing since I was 12.  20 freakin years!  I was born and raised in The South.  Its a rite of passage.  But, that is not the problem I speak of.

Last night the wifey and I made a trip to Wal Mart.  Being the typical male, I had prepped myself to be in there no more than 15 minutes.  Walk in.  Get what you came for.  Compare prices and brands for 5-10 minutes if necessary.  Pay for said item.  Leave.  The fact that this jaunt to Wally World turned into an hour long getaway is destined to be the subject of another blog, but not for today. 

We step through the grand entranceway into the world ole Sam created.  We head to electronics.  I make a discovery that leads to us being able to save about $50.  The wife decides we need about $100 worth of other crap while we are there. And an hour later we are hauling 75 white plastic bags into the house that each weigh at least 100 pounds. 

We get everything put away and I fix the internet issue that led to the trip to the aforementioned Palace o' Cheap Crap.  I sit down on the couch next to the wifey and she pauses the show she is watching.  She turns to me and says, "Can we talk for a minute?"

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here we go...  Duck and cover.        But, it wasn't bad.  She follows that up with this question... "Do you realize how you act when we are in public places like Wal Mart?"  WTF?!?  At first I thought she was talking about how I have to constantly play with any toys I see in the aisles, or how I try on the women's clothes over mine while she looks at every single piece of clothing on the sale rack in Macy's(thankfully she has yet to figure out that I know doing this will both embarrass her and get her to finish up her "browsing" more quickly).  But anyway, that is not what she was speaking of.  She went on to point out to me how whenever we walk into a store, out of a store, or go from one public place to another with lots of people around, that I spend at least two-thirds of that time eyeballing everyone around me.  Not generally looking around.  But moving from person to person specifically measuring them up.  And I do!  I know I do it!  And I can't stop it!

This is a problem.  Number one because it makes my wife a little paranoid- as if I know something is going on and am not telling her.  Number two because I am by default spending two-thirds of the time we are out in public ignoring my wife. 

As soon as she brought it up I recognized it.  Like I said.  I know it is a problem.  But I am not sure if I can, or should, stop.

To shed a little light on this, and so that none of you might think of me as Mel Gibson in Conspiracy Theory, there is a some reasoning for this. 

I have not shared the following information with many people outside of my family and close friends.  Not because it is some big secret, but one of those "just cause" things.  Up until about 4 years ago, I spent a little time working for the US Government.  I'll not share the branch or the specifics of my job or my title.  But will simply say that it involved my working both in and out of the country and that I did have a weapon on my person at all times.   But anyway, as is the case in many branches of the government, I went through a thorough and rigorous training program.  One of the things this program taught me was to always be aware of my surroundings and cognizant of possible immediate threats.  It wasn't so much teaching this, but more along the lines of ingraining it into the fiber of my very being.  In addition to this training, I am a licensed mental health counselor.  I am trained to diagnose people.  Combine these two things and what do you get?  Someone that literally can not stop scanning his environment for a) possible threats, or b) possible "crazy" people.

It took my wife bringing it up to me for me to truly be aware of it.  It was, and is, simply second nature for me to walk into an area with multiple people and begin scanning and making mental notes.  I truly hardly even notice that I am doing it.

The wifey and I talked about this for a good hour or so last night.  She thinks I need to cut it out or at least way back.  I am not sure if I should, much less if I even can.

Her reasoning for bringing this up now is because we are making a trip to Europe in about a month and a half.  She doesn't want to spend that entire time with me and me not paying attention to both her as well as the sites and sights we will be seeing.  I completely understand her point.  And, I believe I will be able to tone it down enough to do nothing more than make a quick scan of a room or open area and then force myself to move on.  But it will be hard. 

Not really sure where to go from here.  Really just needed to get this out of my head and "on paper".  I totally understand her point.  But it is very much a safety issue for me.  As well as bordering on being instinct.  Its not a big deal for her.  I do know that.  But it is also not "normal".  

Oh well.  Better to be safe than sorry I suppose.  Maybe I'll just grow out of it as I move farther from that time in my life.