When we are watching football, I don't need to see your penis.

I honestly feel the previous statement should go without saying. When I go to someones house to watch a game, it shouldn't be necessary for me to proclaim, "Listen fellas, I think it would be nice to not have to see anyones dick during the game. Actually, lets just keep dicks out of the equation for the entirety of my time here this evening." Apparently, this is not the case. My buddy Lenny did not get the memo. Let me explain......no, it is too much. Let me sum up.

Being that I live in Philly, most of my friends are rampant Eagles fans. I, myself, am not. I am a die hard Steelers fan. But being the nice guy that I am, I will root for the Eagles when I'm with my friends, and have actually grown to know quite a bit about the team and enjoy watching the games. We usually watch football at my house, for a couple of reasons. I have a nice set up: Wall mounted Plasma TV, HD cable, surround sound, 360, etc. It's a good atmosphere for the games. Secondly, I live alone, so there are no wife/girlfriend background conversations about babies, General Hospital, vaginal issues, stickers, or whatever the hell it is you talk about while I'm tuning you out to try to pay attention to what's going on with the game. I apologize for the women who enjoy football, you rock and I am fine watching the games with girls who actually WATCH THE GAMES. Unfortunately, the women involved in my circle of friends do not fall into this category. Regardless, my home was not the destination this weekend.

It has now come to light that my house is blackballed for important Eagles games. They lost the Super Bowl in '04 when we watched it at my house, and they lost to the Saints earlier in the season at my house. My superstitious friends decided that they didn't want to chance it (of course, they didn't make mention of the 6-7 games that they won when we watched it at my house, but whatever) So we go to my buddy Lenny's house.

I don't know if anyone else has friends like this, but if Lenny were a chemical compound, he would be Nitroglycerin. Highly unstable, and his reaction to certain situations could be anwhere from neutral to extremely volitile. You just never know. He is also an Eagles season ticket holder, and as anyone will tell you, Eagles fans are f**king insane. But we were in his home, with his wife and guests, so I expect him to be on his best behavior. And for the most part, he was. Until the Eagles scored.

The Eagles are losing 3-0 and generally look like shit on offense. Then out of nowhere, Garcia uncorks a bomb to Donte Stallworth down the middle of the field. We're all going nuts, screaming at the TV as he runs in untouched for the 75 yard TD. As I turn around to start handing out high-fives, I see that Lenny is jumping up and down....pants around his ankles, dick flapping. What was once a moment of joy is now a moment of utter terror. People are running out of the room screaming things like "OH GOD NO!!" and "WHY!!?!?!" as Lenny is pulling his pants up. He's only statement is, "Sorry, I got excited." Unfortunately, this is all I see now when I close my eyes. It's horrifying on 100 different levels.

So, take with you today this bit of advice. If you are going to someone elses house to watch the championship games this weekend, remember to proclaim as soon as you walk in the door, "I do not wish to see anyone's dick today." Unless, you want to see some dicks during the game. If that's the case, then you are either a whore or you are a clan member of 2Old4Tactics. Or both.