You have come to the top of the mountain for wisdom, and Bubba has the answers. Why him? Because he knows better than you.
BEHOLD!
As has been previously stated, I’m smart. Really smart. I’ve learned a lot in my forty-two years.
One of the things I have learned is that all over the world formerly reliable, elite black- ops specialists are going rogue and taking matters into their own hands. You can spot them taking over your oil rig/shopping mall/abandoned prison or office high rise on any given Friday night. They were behind recent events in Mumbai, the Sarin gas attacks of the Tokyo subways and Nakatomi Plaza. Police are always powerless to stop them, they will eventually be put down by some quasi-legal lone gunman who may or may not have jurisdiction at the crime scene, they are going to take a lot of innocents with them and they always bring this guy. Luckily, a new feature of the column -- “Unsolicited Advice From Bubba” -- can help.
Here are four simple words that will prevent your death at the hands of these mercenary thugs:
Be.
A.
Black.
Woman.
Make sure you have both of those criteria covered. Don’t be a white woman, don’t be a black man. That will get your ticket punched nearly as fast as being a white man. Rogue mercenaries never kill black women. Ever. In fact they rarely encounter them. So three cheers to this woman for breaking through the racial and gender barriers of those imperiled at the hands of tyrannical despots. And woots to Bethesda for recognizing a serious deficiency in the multicultural landscape and celebrating diversity in victimdom.
Now, on to the questions…
Swooshdave Asks: And now a question for the new kids:
a) how do you pronounce your GT?
b) what is the most amusing attempt by some imbecile on Live to pronounce it?
“New kids?” You smug dick.
It’s pronounced “Bubba.” And stop sneaking into the thread to ask questions and answering them.
Tdrag Asks: Why did you get kicked out of Press and Writers? Or did you just spin that comment up to sound cool?
Just a quick tip for any unmarried men out there -- whenever a woman asks you a question and then follows it up with an “or” statement, you can answer the question any way you want. She has already decided what the answer is and you are not going to convince her. “Did I leave the GPS sitting on the front table, or did you?” “Are you going to help me wrap these presents, or is this going to be like last year?”
Thanks for helping launch a new regular feature, “Vaguely-passive-aggressive-notes-from-Tdrag-because-she-thinks-I-believe-I’m-cooler-than-her.”
Which is also the perfect segue to our next question…
JeepChick asks: As an East Coast gamer, do you feel that the industry is West Coast biased? All the cool developers are out there, all the cool tournies and events. Are we getting gypped?
And how do you spell gypped/ jipped?
“Cool” when it is applied to video games loses all meaning. A “cool” video game developer is like “sexy” pajamas. Just because they are sexier then the flannel ones doesn’t make them sexy.
In all seriousness though, one of my favorite video game moments of the last couple of years was launch night for Halo 3. Coming home from the midnight launch and popping that disk into the 360 and then hanging out with my friends list watching midnight roll across the continent. First my Midwest friends, then the couple in Mountain Time and then three hours later the explosion as the Left Coast finally got their copies. Since I’m essentially an end-user when it comes to video games and don’t have any interest in getting into the business I’ll trade missing PAX for a few more experiences like that.
And it is spelled “gypped.”
Anonymous asks: Bubba. How can I make myself a tasty fried egg sandwich?
Never reinvent the wheel! Luckily, SubT (member #13, 19 posts, thanks for the huge site support there) has got you covered along with a diatribe about why GoW2 sucks. I’ll reserve my uninformed opinion on the latter and direct you to his response in the post which contains the ultimate egg sandwich recipe.
Finally, Codemonkey asks: Have you ever met a family that didn't eat Turkey on Thanksgiving?
Too easy.
Thanks to everyone that submitted questions. If I did not get to yours this week, keep reading next week. I know for a fact at least one set of questions I received will be answered then. If you want your question answered post it here or PM it to me.
