Welcome back. Herein lies the story of a name, a name which haunts many a soul on 2o2p. A name priror to now shrouded in mystery. NO LONGER! Read and BEHOLD his majesty as he reveals his origins and provides the answers to your stupid questions!
This story is NOT TRUE!
I was living in an off-campus apartment in the summer of 1989. My roommate “Dan” and I worked together tending bar. He was still in school but I had been asked to GTFO a few years ago and was still trolling around like I was a degree-seeking normal guy. I wasn’t the only one. Another roommate, Paul, was still getting checks from his parents for “tuition” and a few people who worked in the restaurant trade with us were starting to age out of the belief that we would “re-apply in the fall.” It was summer though, in a college town, and the pace of life and the temperature were more conducive to working a ton of hours, collecting our pay in cash and blowing it on our days off, than they were to introspection or life planning.
Dan was planning on taking two weeks in August to do a little road-tripping and see some Dead shows. Just prior to leaving he had a stock of “Bill-the-Cats” built up. There were a few of us laying around the apartment and we decided to do some testing under controlled circumstances to make sure he didn’t freak out while on tour. Bill-the-Cats always took a long time coming on and there was that uncomfortable stage 45 minutes in where you weren’t sure if you were tripping or had just been elephant fucked by your dealer. Still, ten minutes later, five of us were arranged in a rough circle around the apartment doing Harlem Globetrotters shit with about three tennis balls. They looked Beach-ball sized big and every eye movement and twitch by my friends held deep significance. We hadn’t dropped one in twenty minutes (or seconds, who knows at that point?) so I figured we were officially in the tripping balls stage.
Time to hit the road.
Dan drove because he had his parents’ Jeep Cherokee and a pair of glasses with only one arm. Sort of inevitably, when Dan started seeing little furry things dart from the side of the road a quick head twitch sent the glasses flying into the summer night. We figured the only responsible thing to do was stop by another friend’s house to borrow a flashlight, do some bong hits and formulate a plan. The flashlight part of the plan fell by the wayside after the first few bingers and an hour later we were watching Peewee’s Big Adventure on VHS when we started noticing cries floating through the window.
“Heeellllp!”
“Did you guys hear that?”
“Hear what?”
“Heeelllp!”
“Shhhh! Shut the fuck up! I heard something!”
“I didn’t say anything. Don’t tell me to shut the ...“
“Heeeelllp!”
“I think I heard something too!”
“Hey. Where’s Paul?”
So out to the Cherokee and sure enough, Paul’s seatbelt is stuck and he’s been trying to get it undone or get our attention with feverish LSD intensity for an hour now. After a few attempts to convince him he’s just a high dick and to unbuckle the damn thing, we come to the realization that it really is stuck. With that odd emotional synergy that acid brings, our energy to solve the problem is rapidly turning into full blown panic for Paul. So with my chance to be a drug hero firmly in front of me, I grab a bottle off the street, break it on the curb John-Wayne-style, and prepare to sever the offending seatbelt. This promptly sends Paul into a shrieking panic attack in the back seat.
Later on, with a few calming chemicals in him, Paul explains the situation from his point of view as we watch Pee Wee get his bike back.
“I was doing okay there for a while but I started getting nervous when you guys couldn’t get it to work either. After a few minutes of that I really started getting scared and all of a sudden there’s…[me]... Big, sweaty fucking Bubba with a broken bottle.”
It was the first time anyone called me that and the nickname stuck. So that’s why my gamer tag is “Freyn Ap Thyr.”
I grew up in an Italian-Irish family in South Jersey where you knew the wedding was over when the fight broke out in the parking lot. Not the little fight in the bathroom, the big one in the parking lot. Our family reveled in stories and being able to tell them was nearly important as being able to shoot. Most of my history is apocryphal at this point and I love stories. I fully believe they are the basis for all of our history, religion, great art, bad art, and society. Please feel free to post the story of your gamer tag in the comments section. I’d love to hear them.
Onto the questions!
Thinks-he’s-a-rock-star-Doodirock asks: If you could hold the Lan in any city other then [sic] one in your own home state. Where would you hold it?
For you folks new to the site, this is doodi code for “I’m moving to Florida and testing the waters to determine the effect of this on my meager annual income from this wretched goddamn site. I am also considering deleting all posts and calling it an ‘accident’.”
I like the LAN being in Chicago. I know I also love ripping Chicago a new one every time I go and O’Hare airport is a festering cesspool of incompetency, decrepitude, and mouth-breather stupidity- but it’s growing on me. Our membership has huge representation in the Midwest, I know quite a few people drive to it and its proximity to the center means us East and West Coasters have equidistant travel requirements. There is a lot of shit to do there (I hear), the food is adequate (except for the miserable faux “pizza”), and there are a lot of Target department stores to victimize by abusing their return policy. I know we talked about Vegas a few times when planning the early LANs but I know me. If I go to Vegas the only clannies and site members I see will be the ones next to me at the Poker and Blackjack tables.
My vote is for Chicago. Check out the LAN attendees thread here for a preview of who is coming.
Funniest-MF’er-on-the-Site-Dead Dr. Phibes asks: Is there any point in trying to have site-wide activities, or are we just too big a group to be able to get together on any one thing?
Okay so the question wasn’t that funny. Trust me though, he’s a funny guy.
What is “sitewide?” An art auction to finance our site redesign? A community playdate advertised at Xbox.com and netting us dozens and dozens of new members from all over playing all kinds of games? A Mini-Me League pulling together casual and hardcore Halo 3 players? Or did you have something more specific in mind?
Tell Waterborn and let him get to work on it. He already worked his way to collapse on one sitewide project and he is raring to go on others. The thing I love best about this site is that anything is possible. The talent, creativity and energy of the people here have managed some pretty impressive accomplishments over the last few years. You just need to poke your head out of the clan forums occasionally to see them.
Does-what-he’s-told-BC Kinetic asks: I enjoyed Fable 2 (and Fable 1 for that matter), rented Oblivion and played it for about an hour, got out of the castle then returned it. I don't know why, but it just didn't fit with me. Will Fallout 3 be different enough to hold my interest or will it just be another Oblivion in my eyes?
I asked my clan for gaming questions and got them. I’m happy to try and answer yours, so if you want to know how to get the All-in-One achievement in Tetris Splash or how to stay a Staff Captain for three years in Halo 3, ask here.
As far as BC is concerned the answer is now might be the time to try. Our Fallout 3 forum is re-energized with the recent release of DLC for the game and it’s a huge resource for new players. Head in there and pick up some tips on leveling and making money quickly. This will quickly get you through the elements that are probably most tedious for people unfamiliar with RPGs. In Fallout 3 the advantage to leveling quickly is to get as many Action points as soon as possible. More Action points in Fallout 3 means more time spent in VATS (Vault-Tec Assisted Targeting System, or something like that). VATS is the most innovative and fun features for an RPG I’ve played since the combat system in Vagrant Story. Even if you don’t like RPG games I defy you to not like Fallout 3 when VATS is working for you.
Slow motion, decapitations, amputations and defenestration FTW!
Thanks to everyone for their question! There are plenty more so I’ll probably be writing more of these columns, like it or not. If you want to complain to management here is the thread. If you want to inject your own inquiries into the dialogue here is where to do that.
Last thing I want to do is compliment everyone on the Phelp’s thread in Off-topic. There are seven pages on a controversial subject and it’s still going strong free from drama. It’s fun when we can get a semi-serious dialogue going occasionally.
Of course by the time this get’s posted it will probably be locked for a week.
