The Q&A has returned! Tell your friends. Tell your neighbor's hot wife. Tell your cousin you kissed in the eighth grade (yeah, we know it doesn't count because you're only 2nd cousins. don't worry. we won't tell ... as long as you read the Q&A).
Whispers of Spring have come to the east coast. Birds were singing today, the temperature topped 60 degrees and even the rain that fell smelled like spring. It’s time for another annual event -- figuring out what the hell to do about the Chicago LAN.
For those of you new to the site or who may have been recently revived from a coma, the Big Event around these parts usually takes place in August and we call it the Chitown LAN. Okay, well we call it a lot of things. The Chitown Massacre, 2old2con, the Chicago LAN, Doodi’s-Pagan-Blood-Sacrifice-a-Pallooza; we’re not the most headsy marketing types around here and continuity and branding are not concepts we have wrapped our heads around yet. One thing we do know about is tradition. Every year, some time in August, as many of us get together as we can jam into a hotel ballroom and spend a long weekend making it smell as bad as possible.
Still, just because it happens every year doesn’t mean it’s an exact science. In fact, little details like the date, the venue, the ticket price, the rooming arrangements, transportation to and from, what to bring, who to bring, when to bring them, why we are doing it, and so forth are all TBD. Sure by the time this hits the front page you may have some “Community Announcements” that you may think will help you plan, but as a veteran of every LAN let me tell you, details are subject to change. So in the interest of giving you the most comprehensive information available I’ll be dedicating portions of this column to answering LAN questions you may have and firming up details as best I can in this chaotic environment we call our Interwebz Home.
To start, here is my list of things you need to bring:
- Cargo Shorts. I don’t really know why, but they are apparently indispensible. Everyone will have theirs and you will be singled out and ridiculed if you don’t. You’ll find all kinds of crazy shit in your pockets and we’ll organize a lost and found thread for the rechargeable batteries, tins of chocolate covered Altoids, snippets of wire and krugerrands you’ll find when you get home. Just make sure you bring your cargo shorts.
- Deodorant. I can’t stress this enough. No matter how often we say it and no matter what we do to avoid it, that LAN room is going to smell bad come Sunday morning. Crappy diet + excess beer consumption + a lot of pasty nerds = one funky environment. Do your part to minimize the viscosity of the air and try to take at least a passing interest in personal hygiene.
- Porn. Don’t ask. Just bring it. TMAN will collect it from you at the door.
- Personal baggage. I am sick and tired of these ridiculous love fests we have every year. Everyone always comes back from the LAN with this marvelous attitude of “I use to have a problem with so-and-so but now that I’ve met them I’ve realized what a fully actualized human being they are and we are BFFs now.” Fuck that noise. I want some fistfights this year. So pent up that rage, harbor that grudge, close your mind and bring it all with you to the LAN.
- Cash. The next person that tries to split a check with me by telling me they have a debit card and I should just give them my gambling and stripper cash I am going to stab in the eye with a pencil. That money is for cards and bewbs.
- ID. It’s twenty-five and older in that room and it’s just about the only rule that gets enforced. If we’re not having a charity auction for them or if they are not delivering a bottle of Jack Daniels to you for your birthday I don’t want to see your little demonspawn. If I wanted to deal with your kids this weekend I’d sign up as the Program Director of Camp Mohawk.
I’ll think of other things as the date draws closer -- so will you guys. Make sure to add to the list and get together with your clannies and friends to figure out who is bringing what.
Now onto the questions...
My-Favorite-Pain-In-The-Ass-J-Cat asks: juss sayin' miss you column... when 's the next one?
Thanks a lot J-Cat. A combination of vicious writer’s block, some real-life stuff and a Mini Me League have kept me out of the game for a few weeks now. Sorry about slacking off, I’ll do my best to keep content coming regularly.
A big thanks to the P&W, my old clan and my new one for letting me coast along when I needed it.
Just for saying nice things you get two questions answered this week.
J-Cat also asks: It's been a rough week, I want to play something sorta mellow. Single player. What can you recommend?
Portal.
If you have The Orange Box then great, but I highly recommend the DLC from the Xbox Live Marketplace. This was my vote for DLC of the Year last year and in terms of replayability, humor and sheer fun it’s tough to be beat. If you’ve ever played a shooter the controls will be completely intuitive and if not the in-game tutorial will greatly smooth the learning curve. The DLC includes all the original levels included with the Orange Box as well as new challenge levels. One of the neatest, most flexible and fun single-player experiences available on the Xbox.
Site-Know-It-All-Big0ne asks: Should teh standard rules of grammer apply to when using the "interwebz"?
Big0ne is trying to goad me here into lashing out at the grammatically challenged and giving out my oft repeated demand that “punctuation goes inside quotation marks!” However, I’m going to throw a big hanging curve at his head and see if I can make him dive for cover.
Grammar is not important. Neither is spelling, vocabulary, sentence structure, pronoun or tense agreement or any of the other items I get all language Nazi about occasionally. What is always most important to me is context.
You’re allowed to spell words the way you want, eschew all commas, forget the difference between “your” and “you’re,” or commit any other faux pas you want. What you can’t do is fuck all that up and expect to be taken seriously. Writing is not an unconscious act. It requires planning, execution, revision and decision. You don’t get to put that kind of effort into something and then try to disown it when someone objects to content or context. A far too common complaint from internet writers is that their writing is being unfairly judged, that in some way what they wrote is not representative of the way they “really are.” Well, I think we are all a little too old for that type of shenaniganry. It is true. By reading this column you do not get to know the real me. However, you should consider yourself completely qualified to judge the content of it and make any assumptions you want about me along the way. They might be “right” they might be “wrong,” but these are my words. I’ll happily accept any criticism they provoke.
The only context available to you to judge me by is these words. So I like to put a lot of thought into how I put them together. If that isn’t as important to you, feel free to ignore that stuff. Just be warned, you will be judged. That’s not a matter of “fair” or “unfair.” That’s just life in the cruel world of online discourse. If you can’t accept the terms, don’t play the game.
With that lengthy sermon out of the way you should make sure to check out NoGame and Big’s column. Those guys got chops and their writing deserves the attention.
Only-Mod-Who-Is-Not-Universally-Despised-King-Drewsky asks: What is your ultimate Manchowder four-song playlist? Also, what can Manchowder do at this year's LAN to top our awesome performance from last year? ... please don't say goats.
This is precisely the type of question that always gets people to accuse me of making nothing but “inside” jokes.
The Manchowder (and there should be an umlaut there but I forget where it goes) lineup consisted of the awe-inspiring Kung Fu Fenster on drums, the remarkably competent King Drewsky on Bass/Guitar/Vocals, the crowd pleasing drag queen Mike James, and the remarkably mediocre yours truly on Bass/Guitar. We were robbed of prizes that were rightfully ours at last year’s LAN by bands jealous of our sheer showmanship and animal magnetism. It’s also possible that King Drewsky violated about every rule of sportsmanship and unplugged a few consoles to throw other bands off their game, but hey, It’s Rock-and-Roll.
We will be taking the stage and regaining our ascendancy at this year’s LAN in some sort of configuration of Flagship Clan members. We’ll have to see who is out of rehab and who is boning whose wife before we can give a final line-up.
In no particular order here are my top four songs to work into the Rockband playlist:
- Alive
- Spoonman
- Are You Gonna Go My Way
- Ace of Spades ‘08
I have contracted with the internationally renowned Grucci brothers to do the pyrotechnic work for our stage show. I hope Chicago has overcome that paranoia about the whole city catching on fire, because we will burn the MF’er down.
Thanks to everyone for awesome questions. Feel free to post more of them here.
