Attack of the Q and A

It’s a sad era for Chicago politics.

Governor Rod Blagojevich is desperately clinging to the sad illusion that he can maintain his office and dignity and “Mayor” Daley is hiding behind the official position that the Governor should do what is “right for Illinois.”

Shame on you Daley. 

If your father was alive today he would slap your face and send you to bed without supper.  Once upon a time there was a Machine that ran things. A machine that understood that what was “right for Illinois” was what was right for the Daley family and that bumbling Serb had better not fucking forget it. The unmitigated gall of that son of a bitch to attempt to subvert the political processes and to seek personal gain from his seat in the gubernatorial mansion without cutting a slice for the Daleys is the type of thing that would have brought swift and unrelenting retribution down on his head prior to 1976.

The real Mayor Daley would have had that puppet stripped naked, dipped in honey, thrown into Buckingham Fountain and then doused in fire ants. This is the city that elected Jack Kennedy President for Christ’s sake. You don’t put a crippled, Irish bootlegger into the Commander-in-Chief’s chair by giving lectures about “doing the right thing.” If somebody in this state is selling a senatorial seat they better damn well check with the Mayor of Chicago first.

Rahm Emanuel will disappear on a fact-finding tour to Burkina Faso until after the investigation is over. Blagojevich will be hounded from office by the gnawing schnauzers of the state legislature. His daughters will have to switch private schools and will soon be spending the holidays with their lesbian aunt while Dad is in the study conferring with lawyers and Party officials about ways to send someone else to DanvilleCorrectionalCenter. His wife Patty will leave him for another up-and-comer in the Democratic Party and her father, the Alderman, will need to tell the precinct captains to hold onto his envelopes until after the furor dies down. But at the end of the day Blagojevich will not be a part of the landfill for the Townhall Road exit of the Jane Addams Memorial Highway project- and for that he can thank the craven spawn of the Last Real Mayor of Chicago.

Now onto the Questions…

Fade Into Black writes:  For a couple of self professed "football guys" why do your (sic) and King Drewsky's football teams perennially (sic) end as whipping boys in our fantasy league? Do you try to be that bad, or is it some kind of innate superpower the two of you possess? Do you watch football, and if so, do you understand the rules?

Fade is better at fantasy football than me.  He is also better at power-leveling, five-man instances, farming gold, painting miniatures, moving overhead projectors from one class to another, speed chess, coin hockey, and gazing longingly at internet pictures of women he will never have. While he was grinding away at his draft strategy this summer I was busy tailgating at Giants stadium. While he pores over play’em or sit’em reports every Sunday morning I am having sex with his wife.

Drewsky sucks because he is from Florida. If we were playing College Fantasy Football he would own our asses. However the complexity of the game at the pro level is too much for those degenerate rednecks.

Fuck it. Truth is I got whipped again. If I knew why it would probably happen less, but I suspect it has a lot to do with my reluctance to trade. Once, a couple of hundred years ago, I won a fantasy football league and the recipe for success was a quarterback and wide receiver tandem for a run-strong team and using the free agent market to plug gaps in the line-up and create strong match-ups with wide receivers and on Defense/Special Teams. When I won this year I can credit that, but for the most part my teams always muddle along just under .500 and I keep pursuing the same losing strategy.

Deep_NNN asks:  When did "segue" come into popular use? I know that word was rarely if ever used when I was younger. Now everybody uses it, like deodorant. Can't leave the house without it.

Here’s a list of some other words that were not in use when Deep was young…

Lbsutke asks:  Do you actually use your snappy wit around your wife or more specifically at your wife?  Does she then look at you and then say, I hope you like spanking your monkey, cause you are not going to get this piece of ass anytime soon?

I use my wit “at” her all of the time. She laughs or doesn’t, kisses me or calls me a dork.  She wouldn’t use sex as a weapon, she’d rather use a weapon as a weapon. I learned early which lines to cross and which would get an ashtray launched at my skull. 

My wife told me this joke one of the first times I met her and that was pretty much when I fell in love with her.

What’s the difference between a chicken? One leg is both the same.

We are the only two people in the world that think that joke is funny. I’ve been with her for more than 22 years [goddamn, you're old -- ed.], including dating, engagement and marriage and my only advice for anyone who wants a successful marriage is this -- find the person who makes you laugh harder than anyone else and marry them.

Taxi wrote some questions but I don’t want to answer them this week. Come back next week to read the rantings of the worst moderator 2o2p has ever had.

If you have questions you would like me to not answer post them here, or feel free to PM them to me. 

Finally, thanks to everyone for their support of this column. Acclaim has been universal and I’ve gotten a lot of accolades from fans. Here are some samples…

BigOne wrote:  Was there actually a demand for this column … as it were?

Cryptic Cat wrote:  I have my blog here, so whatever I need say I say it there. No need for me to take on a column on the frontpage or anything. At least my blog can be avoided.

Somebody called “t3musomething” wrote:  I'm moving to China, I'm sure their internetz will block this type of crap

And NoGame22 wrote: Man you suck.

So thanks to everyone for their kind comments and I’ll keep churning out articles.