We're never comfortable when people start talking about "ass attacks," but TDrag assures us she's talking about Gears of War 2, so we're going to go ahead and let it go. We think she's ranting about something. Possibly. But we don't speak Gears.
Is Epic Games responsive to their community? Or did they fuck up my game?
It hasn’t even been a week (editor's note: hasn't it been longer than a week? how out of date is this thing?) since GoW players downloaded the second Gears of War 2 title update and we’re already talking about the third. This isn’t the way it was supposed to go down.
I waited at midnight for my limited edition in November. I was surrounded by Timmies gawking at me as if I were a chump wife dragged along. If my jacket hadn’t been zipped to my chin, they would have noticed the crimson skull of my Gears of War t-shirt. Little punks would never suspect an almost 30, white collar wife could enjoy the blood-fest that is Gears of War. And they’d never think that I could squash them to the dead room just as effectively as any other gamer.
I took several days off work. I smugly told my co-workers I was going to play a video game. I wrapped up the campaign within a day. It was okay. But Epic could have shipped the game sans campaign for all I cared. I’m about multiplayer. “Fuck yeahs,” team-killing, ass-attacks (?! - ed,) and laughs. That’s how I roll.
Left directional, right stick forward, (A) button to bounce out and roadie.
Every match.
Every start.
Except…my shotgun sounded weird. They changed something and it wasn’t just the sound. It felt different. The average citizen probably can’t understand how pixels on a screen can manifest a feeling through a controller, but they can. And my shotgun wasn’t the lone change. There were zero value changes like a “draw” becoming a “stalemate.” Did the noob programmer need work?
Unhappy and sans kills I pondered my irritation. Would I get better? Do I need to adjust? Will I succumb to being a Call of Duty girl, or worse, a Halo slut? Frustration.
Some of my clannies loved the game unconditionally from the start. “It’s Gears as it should have been the first time around,” they said. I questioned my disappointment. Then we received the first patch – an emergency fix to the embarrassing matchmaking. What was that about betas again, Cliffy B?
“A beta is like hooking up with a girl just to say, 'yeah, I fucked her.' I know that sounds crude, but it's the honest-to-God truth. Once you play a beta, you can check it off your list -- you can say, 'yeah, I played it.' Then you might not feel motivated to get that initial cherry popping from the proper, final game.
"Honestly, we could make a demo, but Gears of War 2 wouldn't be out until February of 2009 [if we did]. That stuff takes times to put together. Granted, we may need to tweak a few things in multiplayer after release through an update. People are going to find exploits we didn't anticipate. That's the reality of making a game -- look at MMOs. We're prepared for that, but we think we're shipping a pretty great game out of the box here.”
~ Cliffy B – Thanks GamePro for the quote
We’re hearing about patch number three just days away from February and a week into patch number two. In hindsight I may have sacrificed three months to get a “damn good game” in February as opposed to a “pretty good game” in November.
The second patch could be a placebo from my perspective. Sure the glitchers will need to seek out more exploits. But I rarely play public. I think my shotty is a teensy bit better? But I can’t be sure. Marcus is still slow with the shotgun zoom despite those meaty biceps. And those mother-f-n smoke grenades are still mother-f-n smoke grenades. But there are new achievements. Pity achievements. An apology to the whiners and small tokens to nudge Gears of War 2 back to the top of the activity charts (yeah, right -- ed.).
Fortunately for Epic, I’m in my clan -- a Gears of War clan -- for the people. I hang out with those hookers regardless of game. I exchange too many PMs with them, call them whores, and look forward to the abuse in return.
And Gears of War has a special place in my gaming heart. It was my birth into multiplayer gaming. Several years ago I tried Halo 2 and gave up after one too many verbal assaults by pre-pubescent fucks. Then I was introduced to an all-girls clan soon after the original GoW release. I learned the ways of online gaming and had a team to practice with. I got better. I ventured out to public matches, lots of them. Verbal slaughter is nearly intolerable when you suck ass AND the XBL public can’t tell if you’re a girl or just waiting for you balls to drop. But if you mingle with the crowd skills-wise, it’s manageable and easy to ignore. After several months I broke from the all-girls clan and joined 2old2play. I could finally call someone a cocksucker without the entire room freezing with a gasp. ARTofWAR welcomed me and became my gaming home. They have never required me to “practice” with an indifference to the needs of my husband, work, school or self. They’re drop-in-drop-out co-op. Perfect.
And it’s because of these assholes that I sucked it up and played through my early Gears 2 disappointment and disbelief. After all, this was the game Epic always meant to ship right? But a few days into short and disgruntled Gears sessions, I killed the entire opposing team single-handedly. I smiled. I probably blurted some euphoric expletives. With some gameplay tweaks on my end the shotty is still very effective. The chainsawers are still assholes. But I can stop them with a melee or stopping power provided they’re not ripping Baird’s taint with an ass-attack (seriously, wtf! - ed.). But the smoke grenades …I could get myself banned in 15 minutes from the Epic Forums if I shared how I really feel about them. They’re only effective when I’m throwing them and that makes me feel dirty.
Despite this rant, all things technical, Gears 2 is a better game than the original.
It is.
There are more weapons, great maps and Beast Rider. And as expected, it’s damn pretty. But is it a great game? A game worthy of the same affections I had for the original? It might never be simply based on sentimental value. But It’s getting closer to greatness and a third patch can only help.
Speaking of which, Cliffy B posted on the Gears forums that, “Smoke grenades can be a bit annoying. We’re looking into it.” Don't bother. I, humble TDrag, have researched it for you. Smoke grenades should not trigger COG and Locust seizures and they should never catapult someone on top of a bridge. Ever. Fix it before I suffer a self-induced seizure from anger.
As the sun rolls down on Sera, I’m hesitant to say that Epic fucked my game. I still love it despite some disappointment. They changed gameplay with good intentions and a touch of an attitude. They made the game they always wanted not realizing or accepting that many of their fans prefer their first half-ass attempt. Months before the release I said that I really only wanted maps, no lag, balancing, and some new weapons. Now that Epic appears to be listening, that might just happen.
