20 Instructions for Life and Gaming - by the Dalai Lama*

(*not really)

 

Here are a bunch of trite sayings in which you can read great meaning, if you’re the type who goes for that sort of thing. Me, I thought I would make them more meaningful by applying them directly to video games. Namely: Halo 4.

 

---------------

 

 

 

1.Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk. True, your love of video games may mean you’ll have to give up days, evenings, and weekends with the family, causing your wife – assuming you have one – to eventually become disgusted enough with you to kick you out of the house. But that’s a risk you’ll have to be willing to take.

 

2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson. So the match is over. You just got sniped in the head 30 times in a row, and didn’t even score one kill. Pause for a moment, and think about what happened. Where some would probably encourage you to try to learn from your mistakes, and improve, I think the lesson better learned here is more simple than that: You Suck. And obviously, not just a little. You suck really badly. I mean seriously, why are you even playing this?

 

3. Follow the three R’s:

- Respect for self, (Easily accomplished, since I’m awesome.)

- Respect for others, (I consider this one to be optional.)

- Responsibility for all your actions. (I take full responsibility for stealing the sniper rifle first.)

 

4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck. So you’ve met a girl gamer, who all the other guys in the lobby salivate over. And the good news is: She likes you. Yep. You are the man. Her man. She even sent you a Friend Request. And things are going swimmingly… until you guys get serious enough to meet. And the bad news is, she weighs 500 pounds. Can true love conquer all? Will you be able to stand by your claim that you love her for her mind only? Long term, she’ll need you to make more than a few DQ runs for her. She’ll probably also need some help cleaning out her fat rolls between games.

 

5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly. This only applies to modders, hackers, and other unsavory types that you wish were banned from XBL forever. I wish #5 wasn’t on this list, since I can’t think of anything funny to say about it. I’m at a loss. Failed. Been beaten here. Teabagged. Pwned. Muted and Booted.

 

6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great relationship. So maybe, just maybe, someone else on your team got to the sniper rifle first. (Or rockets, if that’s your thing.) That was pretty inconsiderate of them, wasn’t it? I mean clearly, that weapon was intended for you alone. First, stay calm. Not to worry, there is a way to deal with the situation. Others on the team would probably just forget about it and go shoot at opponents, but the higher road to take is to follow the dirty rotten thief around and wait for them to get shot. Then you can rightfully take your weapon back. Just be sure when they are getting shot at to resist the urge to team-kill the opponents, otherwise you won’t get your snipe. Hopefully there will still be some bullets left.

 

7. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it. Like that time when you went for the Mantis and got it first, and it pissed off that One Guy on your team. You know, the one who then followed you around for the first 5 minutes of the match, shooting your mech with the EMP pistol over and over until you got killed? It is important in these situations to recognize your mistake: Namely, your assumption that your teammates wouldn’t act like douchebags. Now there is a way to correct the situation, and that is to follow that One Guy around for the rest of the match. If he gets a Mantis of his own, then it’s your responsibility to EMP it in return. Also, should he get a Sniper or a Beam rifle, make sure you stand right in front of him, and melee him repeatedly in the face. It won’t earn you a betrayal (sadly), but it will make it difficult for him to fire off a good shot. Sweet revenge!

 

8. Spend some time alone every day. It’s called Party Chat, and it was invented for a reason. So you can make a party of one, and not have to listen to the rest of those idiots.

 

9. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values. Also known as, “It’s okay to lose your virginity, but be sure to use protection.” By the same token, you should be open to random Friend Requests from people you don’t know. He or she may turn out to be pretty cool person. Then again, they may turn out to have an STD. In either event, it’s just Xbox Live, so physical contact is completely optional.

 

10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. If you are ever playing and some 13 year old kid starts saying, “Hello? Hello? Can anybody hear me?”, do yourself a favor and don’t answer. Your impulse to be polite in this instance must be suppressed at all costs. What good would answering get you, really? Saying, “Yes, I can hear you” makes you sound like a putz. Plus, then the 13 year old will want to start talking to you, or even – God forbid – send you a friend request. And by that time, it’s all awkward because you will have to explain to him why you are rejecting his personal offer of lifelong companionship: “It’s not personal, kid. I just think you’re super annoying and your whiny teenage voice makes me want to vomit.” So instead, consider hearing him ask as a warning, and take the opportunity to mute him.

 

11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time. I’m not sure how this even applies to video games. How exactly is it honorable to shoot someone in face with a DMR? But I do refrain from teabagging. This is a point of honor in my own mind. God probably likes that. He’s probably reserved a special spot for me in Heaven just because of that, in the “Non-Teabagger” section.

 

12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life. I do love Halo, but I admit that my life does still need some work in this area. For example, many times I do other things besides playing video games. Things like washing clothes, doing dishes, helping my kids with homework, exercising… All these things do is take me away from my one true love. I’d better cut back on the family activities and start spending some more time playing.

 

13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past. In your next argument with the missus, stick only to the present: “Honey, it’s true that I played for eight hours straight but that was YESTERDAY! Do we have to keep bringing up the past?”

 

14. Share your knowledge. It is a way to achieve immortality. Well, I think the immortality part is pretty much bullshit. Every Xbox is destined for the RROD someday. But as for knowledge… yes, it’s true. Teammates do sometimes appreciate it when you can perform a good callout.

 

15. Be gentle with the earth. Halo doesn’t have destructible environments, so I think this advice can be safely ignored.

 

16. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before. Buy all the new map packs, and be sure to play them. Also, sometimes it’s good to play some game mode you’ve never tried before, such as the campaign.

 

17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other. Oh yes, I love all of my clanmates. In an extremely non-homosexual way. Not that there's anything wrong with that...

 

18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it. To get a K/D of over 1.0 in Halo, I had to pay about $600 in games and game-related equipment, plus an investment of roughly an hour a day for 3 years which comes to 1,095 hours of my life completely gone and wasted. Wait- what?

 

19. If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. Sure, I'll play your sucky Custom game if you want me to. After all, that’s what friends are for.

 

20. If you want to be happy, practice compassion. (Turns out, I actually kind of liked that sucky Custom game, but shhhh…! Don’t tell anybody.)

 

 

That’s all I’ve got. Hope you enjoyed it. This is Vix, speaking. Over and out!