Emotional Responsibility

UnwashedMass

Shared on Mon, 08/20/2007 - 12:02

It's been a rough couple of days.  The boy came home from vacation with his bio mom yesterday so that worked great.  I got to the cell phone store and found out the only way to get a new phone without paying full price is to wait until the wife's upgrade comes available in November.  So I'm stuck paying for her calls to her new friend.  We'll see how long my patience can last with that.  She said she would help with the bill.  Here's to hoping.

We have had some very long and hard discussions in the past few days.  We spoke 4-5 times yesterday.  I spoke with her this morning about a conversation I had with one of our former neighbors and our similar propensities for anger.  she said that she just doesn't know and can't promise anything.  I told her that if she moves forward with this other relationship, she needs to tell me so I can quit.  I can't quit, I have loved her for too long to stop.  But maybe I can let hope die.

Our old neighbor was in town from Phoenix.  She's a little gal that looked after our son quite a bit when he was young.  She's a bit of a surrogate grandma- her own daughters don't have any kids of their own.  We enjoyed the boy having an older couple to dote on the boy since his own grandparents are so far away.  They moved three years ago and she hasn't seen him in about a year.  She and I had lunch on Saturday and she came over about 8pm last night to see the boy.

My conversation with her was three hours long, talking about whether there was any hope for reconciliation.  We spoke about the abuse we suffered as children and the requirement to have help coping with it.  She has been married to the same man for 36 years and told me some things that I didn't know.  You may not always like the person you love, but it is a commitment.  The ability to find the source of anger is something I need and she convinced me to find help.  If there is any hope for reconciliation, I have to.

The boy walked into the house and was shocked.  When he left it was packed to the rafters with boxes and people prepping to move.  He's had years in that house without change and he comes home to a completely different environment.  I left his room completely alone, I wanted him to have one space where he could find familiarity.  He went to put his things on the kitchen table and I saw him startle, for there was no kitchen table.  No carpet, no coffee tables and the tv and couch were in the wrong places.  He went to his room and dropped his things.  When he came out he told me about his visit with his mom and where they went.  Palm Springs and Raging Waters were big hits.

After a bit, I set him down and spoke with him.  I reiterated that the wife leaving didn't have anything to do with him and that I was working on listening to him better.  I wanted him to know that he is the most important person in the world and that I would never leave him.  As much as I love the wife, the son has to come first.  No one else in this child's life has done this, and I wanted hom to know it, to hear it from me.

His bio mom makes him feel responsible for her happiness.  She has the same needy horseshit tactics as her mother.  "I'm only happy when you are here."  "I missed you sooooo much, it hurts when you are gone."  On the phone: "I'd be happier if you were with me.  I wouldn't be so sad."  The woman uses the boy's emotions to twist and turn the boy but he is beginning to see through it.  I have made sure that when he comes home, I tell him that I missed him and that I am glad he's home.  I try very hard not to make him feel guilty about spending time with his mom, having fun with her or even loving her.  I don't want him to resent me the way he is beginning to resent her.  I put him to bed after the neighbor lady's visit and a shower.  He came out of his room three times and told me he loved me.  I know he was hurting.  He started to tear up earlier when we were talking about changes and the wife leaving.  I told him it was okay to cry and that I had been doing quite a bit of it myself.  He sucked it up and the tears went away.

I head for bed after the weekly 2o4D poker night and found this note on the door to his room:

He wanted me to know that the wife didn't leave because of me.  This is what I've been telling HIM for the past four months.  It scares the shit out of me to think he might feel responsible for her leaving.  I talked to him this morning and told him that it's okay, that she did leave because of me, and I thanked him for trying to make me feel better.  It is my responsibility to own the consequences of my actions.  I've run from them for years.  Time to suck it up.

Emotional responsibility is a heavy burden.  I'm hoping the boy doesn't try and carry the load.  It would be a cruel parallel to have him carrying both of his bio parents.  I am making it my mission to make sure the boy knows I'm carrying him, not vice versa. 

Sorry about the heavy crap twice in two days.  I gotta get this shit out, this is my excision.  If you have read this far, thank you.  Those of you that have been reading and sending your love have my deepest gratitude and respect.  I am fairly isolated at the moment, and this is the only safe venue I have at the moment.  Your continued support has been a great source of strength.  I'll try and lighten things up soon.  thank you for listening.

Mass da Ass

Ain't nothin' to a G.

Comments

Kwazy's picture
Submitted by Kwazy on Mon, 08/20/2007 - 15:24
Stay strong, Mass. Sounds like you and the little guy are doing great being there for each other.
DixieBelle's picture
Submitted by DixieBelle on Mon, 08/20/2007 - 16:18
As a kiddo who was raised by her Daddy, let me say you're doing great! Listening, loving, and being available. That's what it's about, man!
LaudTrevlin's picture
Submitted by LaudTrevlin on Mon, 08/20/2007 - 12:11
your son is the shit...as evidenced above
TDrag27's picture
Submitted by TDrag27 on Mon, 08/20/2007 - 12:14
Kudos for thinking of your kid first...
Gatsu's picture
Submitted by Gatsu on Mon, 08/20/2007 - 12:21
damn dude....I'm sorry you've gotta go through all this rough shit. But hey...what doesn't kill you makes you a tough sumbitch! ;) Sounds to me that even though there is pain...you're both getting through it well and you'll both come out better and stronger because of it. Just hang in there. You've got people who do give 2 shits and care.
TaxiSquad27's picture
Submitted by TaxiSquad27 on Mon, 08/20/2007 - 12:21
Mass, I don't know a damn thing about kids. I'm petrified of marriage. All I can do is apply common sense to a situation involving either. After a note like that, common sense tells me you doin the right thing with the lad. That, and he's got quite a bit of common sense as well. Looks like you doin a great job bringing the boy along. Well done. Oh and suck it.
Lbsutke's picture
Submitted by Lbsutke on Mon, 08/20/2007 - 12:22
never appoligize for writting down or expressing your feelings. It is better to do that, then to let it bottle up. You need a good pleasure party to cheer you up..
LaudTrevlin's picture
Submitted by LaudTrevlin on Mon, 08/20/2007 - 12:24
ghuagh
PeepshowJanitor's picture
Submitted by PeepshowJanitor on Mon, 08/20/2007 - 12:36
Keep ya head up Maynard! Just be there for your kid! That's all you can do! Been there, done that with my little girl! Sucks, but just another lesson learned in life!
Devonsangel's picture
Submitted by Devonsangel on Mon, 08/20/2007 - 12:42
Mass, you are doing good!
stang503421's picture
Submitted by stang503421 on Mon, 08/20/2007 - 12:43
Congrats on continuing to raise a fantastic son. That note brought a tear man - what a great kid. With that much love between you and your son you've gotta be a proud papa. I'm here for you mass - as corny as it might sound - I can only imagine your heartbreak, but I do know that it'll get better - and if you need someone to vent to you have my #. Stay strong - keep being the great dad that you are, and be proud of your son - that note was AMAZING!
LukeBerry's picture
Submitted by LukeBerry on Mon, 08/20/2007 - 13:28
Mass, You are truly one of the great guys I have met from 2o2p. I commend you for what you are doing.
doorgunnerjgs's picture
Submitted by doorgunnerjgs on Mon, 08/20/2007 - 13:28
I'm glad you have this community to give you the support you deserve. I have never been in your situation so I can't offer words of guidance but I think you are doing a fantastic job of supporting your son. Maybe your own demons can be controlled and if so, maybe your wife will come back. But if you do and she doesn't, then maybe there is something in her that can't be fixed by you. Good luck and don't be afraid of boring us or getting too 'heavy' for us.
brosac's picture
Submitted by brosac on Mon, 08/20/2007 - 13:53
Mass, you're doin' a great job. We all have our faults and I'm glad to see that you're sackin' up and dealing with this situation as well as you are. Your son will appreciate your sacrafice and love even more later in life. Keep it up homie. PS. You're still a douchenozzle!!
dkhodz's picture
Submitted by dkhodz on Mon, 08/20/2007 - 14:02
Thanks for sharing your experience with us - I hope it is therapeutic for you as well as helpful for so many of us that face similar situations.

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