
UnwashedMass
Shared on Mon, 08/20/2007 - 12:02It's been a rough couple of days. The boy came home from vacation with his bio mom yesterday so that worked great. I got to the cell phone store and found out the only way to get a new phone without paying full price is to wait until the wife's upgrade comes available in November. So I'm stuck paying for her calls to her new friend. We'll see how long my patience can last with that. She said she would help with the bill. Here's to hoping.
We have had some very long and hard discussions in the past few days. We spoke 4-5 times yesterday. I spoke with her this morning about a conversation I had with one of our former neighbors and our similar propensities for anger. she said that she just doesn't know and can't promise anything. I told her that if she moves forward with this other relationship, she needs to tell me so I can quit. I can't quit, I have loved her for too long to stop. But maybe I can let hope die.
Our old neighbor was in town from Phoenix. She's a little gal that looked after our son quite a bit when he was young. She's a bit of a surrogate grandma- her own daughters don't have any kids of their own. We enjoyed the boy having an older couple to dote on the boy since his own grandparents are so far away. They moved three years ago and she hasn't seen him in about a year. She and I had lunch on Saturday and she came over about 8pm last night to see the boy.
My conversation with her was three hours long, talking about whether there was any hope for reconciliation. We spoke about the abuse we suffered as children and the requirement to have help coping with it. She has been married to the same man for 36 years and told me some things that I didn't know. You may not always like the person you love, but it is a commitment. The ability to find the source of anger is something I need and she convinced me to find help. If there is any hope for reconciliation, I have to.
The boy walked into the house and was shocked. When he left it was packed to the rafters with boxes and people prepping to move. He's had years in that house without change and he comes home to a completely different environment. I left his room completely alone, I wanted him to have one space where he could find familiarity. He went to put his things on the kitchen table and I saw him startle, for there was no kitchen table. No carpet, no coffee tables and the tv and couch were in the wrong places. He went to his room and dropped his things. When he came out he told me about his visit with his mom and where they went. Palm Springs and Raging Waters were big hits.
After a bit, I set him down and spoke with him. I reiterated that the wife leaving didn't have anything to do with him and that I was working on listening to him better. I wanted him to know that he is the most important person in the world and that I would never leave him. As much as I love the wife, the son has to come first. No one else in this child's life has done this, and I wanted hom to know it, to hear it from me.
His bio mom makes him feel responsible for her happiness. She has the same needy horseshit tactics as her mother. "I'm only happy when you are here." "I missed you sooooo much, it hurts when you are gone." On the phone: "I'd be happier if you were with me. I wouldn't be so sad." The woman uses the boy's emotions to twist and turn the boy but he is beginning to see through it. I have made sure that when he comes home, I tell him that I missed him and that I am glad he's home. I try very hard not to make him feel guilty about spending time with his mom, having fun with her or even loving her. I don't want him to resent me the way he is beginning to resent her. I put him to bed after the neighbor lady's visit and a shower. He came out of his room three times and told me he loved me. I know he was hurting. He started to tear up earlier when we were talking about changes and the wife leaving. I told him it was okay to cry and that I had been doing quite a bit of it myself. He sucked it up and the tears went away.
I head for bed after the weekly 2o4D poker night and found this note on the door to his room:
He wanted me to know that the wife didn't leave because of me. This is what I've been telling HIM for the past four months. It scares the shit out of me to think he might feel responsible for her leaving. I talked to him this morning and told him that it's okay, that she did leave because of me, and I thanked him for trying to make me feel better. It is my responsibility to own the consequences of my actions. I've run from them for years. Time to suck it up.
Emotional responsibility is a heavy burden. I'm hoping the boy doesn't try and carry the load. It would be a cruel parallel to have him carrying both of his bio parents. I am making it my mission to make sure the boy knows I'm carrying him, not vice versa.
Sorry about the heavy crap twice in two days. I gotta get this shit out, this is my excision. If you have read this far, thank you. Those of you that have been reading and sending your love have my deepest gratitude and respect. I am fairly isolated at the moment, and this is the only safe venue I have at the moment. Your continued support has been a great source of strength. I'll try and lighten things up soon. thank you for listening.
Mass da Ass
Ain't nothin' to a G.
- UnwashedMass's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Submitted by Kwazy on Mon, 08/20/2007 - 15:24
Submitted by DixieBelle on Mon, 08/20/2007 - 16:18
Submitted by LaudTrevlin on Mon, 08/20/2007 - 12:11
Submitted by TDrag27 on Mon, 08/20/2007 - 12:14
Submitted by Gatsu on Mon, 08/20/2007 - 12:21
Submitted by TaxiSquad27 on Mon, 08/20/2007 - 12:21
Submitted by Lbsutke on Mon, 08/20/2007 - 12:22
Submitted by LaudTrevlin on Mon, 08/20/2007 - 12:24
Submitted by PeepshowJanitor on Mon, 08/20/2007 - 12:36
Submitted by Devonsangel on Mon, 08/20/2007 - 12:42
Submitted by stang503421 on Mon, 08/20/2007 - 12:43
Submitted by LukeBerry on Mon, 08/20/2007 - 13:28
Submitted by doorgunnerjgs on Mon, 08/20/2007 - 13:28
Submitted by brosac on Mon, 08/20/2007 - 13:53
Submitted by dkhodz on Mon, 08/20/2007 - 14:02