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Dilemma

UnwashedMass

Shared on Tue, 08/21/2007 - 10:52

I have to ask you an opinion. 

I love my wife to death; more than I love myself.  I was moving on and comfortable in my skin for the longest time after she left because I had the anger to keep me focused.  Not to say I wasn't sad, but I wasn't walking around in a near-panic attack state, with a fiery ball stuck over my heart.  The tension is killing me.  I'm non-functioning for the most part.  I'm a fucking wreck.  Yesterday I got jack crap accomplished at work and at one point I hade to leave the office trailer I'm sitting in because the old geezer in there kept smacking his lips.  In that confined space it was loud like a firecracker in my deaf ears and I wanted to go punish him.  Walk away and tell the story.  Make people laugh about it and take out the anger with laughter.

I talked to the wife twice yesterday and we had some very long and in depth conversations.  She has stated that when we filed the papers, there was no hope.  She has obviously pursued new companionship, but to what extent I'm not sure.  She won't comment and will not answer any questions.  We ended the night last night talking about what we missed and didn't miss about our relationship.  There are still issues unresolved obviously, but I want to work on them.  I want her to come home.  I want to be the one she calls when she is scared.

The dilemma I have is this:  I am insecure.  I am jealous.  I do not like any type of threat to my relationships.  It makes me rabid.  Fear is a motherfucker.  I know for a fact that she is not going to break off her relationship with this other guy based upon a few days' company and conversation with me.  After four months of separation, it is tough to cover that gulf.  But I need some sort of hope.    I have to cope with her not committing, or not telling me she's pushing back from this new guy.  She's said "Only time will tell.  If we are destined to be together, then we will be together.  But I need to be about me right now and you may not like the way or approve the path I need to take to come back to you."  She has said, "I'm not giving you any hope.  I'm not promising you anything.  We're talking more now than we have in the last five years and its an adult conversation.  That should give you hope.  But I'm not making any commitments to anything."

My question to you is, is that enough?  To hold onto the last shred of hope?  I'm afraid any pressure from me will push her away, but scared that no pressure will give her the go-ahead with this other guy.  I don't know what to do, I need a damn Zanax or something.  I'm losing my shit.  What would you do?

Comments

Devonsangel's picture
Submitted by Devonsangel on Tue, 08/21/2007 - 10:58
Mass, you need to be brutally honest with yourself. Step outside of the situation and look at it from a different perspective. If this were someone else this was happening to what would you say to them? Be honest.
LaudTrevlin's picture
Submitted by LaudTrevlin on Tue, 08/21/2007 - 11:12
d00d...you are trying to make up for a bad marriage in just a few phone calls...it will take a shit load more time and effort then that...even worse, changing just becasue you lost something and want it back is the weakest form of change...it wasn't started becasue you wanted it, but more becasue you forced into it...i don;t know how things will turn out for you and your wife, but i do know that it sounds like there are changes to be made inside you and made only for you...those are the changes that will remain and radiate from within...it is these changes that will communicate to the people closest to you who you have become and why...now suck a dick
ATC_1982's picture
Submitted by ATC_1982 on Tue, 08/21/2007 - 11:13
Devons Idea is the best one I know of. Also you have an open ear with me if you just want to yell in it. I been dancing around this decision many times with my wife, but none to this extent. I wish you luck and need anything let me know.
MikeJames's picture
Submitted by MikeJames on Tue, 08/21/2007 - 11:20
I went through something almost similiar about 12 years ago. To be blunt, there is really no hope. It's her way of trying not to hurt your feelings. She still cares about you, but doesn't feel in 'love' with you...especially the way you feel about her. It's hard as hell going through the situation you're going through and I wouldn't want to be in it again for the life of me. What you need to do now is start making that life for yourself and get into your routine. Make things good for yourself. MJ
LukeBerry's picture
Submitted by LukeBerry on Tue, 08/21/2007 - 11:27
I believe you are seting yourself up for more pain and even if you don't realize it this will bleed over to relationship to your son. He will know your in pain, they just do. I want to insert a joke her (cuase thats how Team 'Tard rolls), but Devon is right you need to take a step back and really examine this situation. I'm here for you because no matter what we say thats Realy how Team'Tard rolls
Kwazy's picture
Submitted by Kwazy on Tue, 08/21/2007 - 17:54
Most of what I was going to say has already been said above...especially by MJ. I went through a very similar divorce myself a few years ago. While I can't pretend to know exactly the way you feel, you're doing a pretty good job describing the way I felt. There is one truth though: As soon as you make the decision to go forward with your life without her, it will get better. You may not be able to tell at first, but it will. Every...single...day.
Lbsutke's picture
Submitted by Lbsutke on Tue, 08/21/2007 - 11:40
Mass, I intend no disrespect in what I am about to say, but I feel I need to say it. So please do not think I am just trying to be an asshole. Bro, she is keeping you in the bullpen. She is banging this other dude, and does not want to tell you cause she wants to keep you on the hook, waiting around like a puppy waiting for its master to throw the ball. She will not tell you what she has done becuase she probably has done some freaking things that she may or may not have done with you. It is cool you guys are talking, but it is time to let this chick go on her merry way. The only thing she has said that makes sense is that if it is meant to be, it will be. Otherwise it is over. Do not pursue it like there is hope, cause one of two things are happening here. She wants to keep you around "just in case things do not work out with her current bang" or she likes that you are chasing her like a dog to a bone. Let me ask you this, who initiates the conversations? Does she call you first, or are you the one making all the initial contacts. I am willing to bet you are the one that calls first, you are the one making all the moves and she is just soaking up the attention. Take her advice and leave it alone, if it is meant to be then it is meant to be. I will willing to bet when things go bad with her current guy, you will be the one she comes running back again, the old stand bye. And if she does tell her sorry, but you had your chance. Again man, I am not saying these things to try and hurt you, but from just the things you have said here, this is what I am seeing that is going on. All these emotions are getting stired up because you are a good person, and do not want to feel like you failed or didn't try your hardest. You did not fail, things did not work out and as much as a crock of shit that this is going to sound like, the only thing that is going to make the hurt go away is time. You are strong, you will make it through. You have no choice other than to make it through, you need to for you boy. Pm me if you want to talk more, I am on yahoo mess. My id is Lbsutke. Call me if you want, my number is in the profanity forum. If you want to feel a little better, head on over to Jeep Chicks blog, she has a close up of her boobies and cleavage. :)
TDrag27's picture
Submitted by TDrag27 on Tue, 08/21/2007 - 11:43
I agree with most of what is being said here too...Going off with another dude with you waiting in the wings is decidedly uncool...I hesitate to give you too much advice because I don't know your situation. I don't know you very well. And I don't know her...But I encourage you to take a serious, honest look at what is going on...We're all here for you...Sorry you're going through a shitty time right now.
RyanFromVegas's picture
Submitted by RyanFromVegas on Tue, 08/21/2007 - 11:44
Well, obviously we only know your half of the story, so its a tad hard to know what to say to all this. I think devons right tho...brutal self honesty is going to be the key. Another question to ask yourself might be: Why do you want her back? Because you love her or you hate being alone? Clearly you recognize that you have some baggage thats causing you to be self destructive in relationships. I would seek help on that. Professional help. Maybe she'll ride out the process with you maybe she wont...but if you dont do it, I would say chances are high you will find yourself right back in a similar state in the future..with her or someone else. There is only one person who you have control over and it is you. If you want to change the way your life is going, you have to change yourself. Hope this helps. Good Luck.
M13a77's picture
Submitted by M13a77 on Tue, 08/21/2007 - 11:51
Ibutske hit it on the head. She is holding you on as a backup. I went through the same EXACT thing as your describing. I found that you can't change to fit someone elses perception of what THEY think you should be and still remain true to yourself. You have to be ready to move on with life. She wont be coming back anytime soon and even IF she did, it would be under her conditions and you have to ask yourself, where that leaves you in the grand scheme of things. PM me if you want to talk more. I know I don't know you very well at all, but I have been there if you want to talk.
UnwashedMass's picture
Submitted by UnwashedMass on Tue, 08/21/2007 - 11:52
Thanks all. Keep them coming. To address a few- 1. the changes I have made are because I was scared that my son would suffer. She was already gone when I realized some of my issues. I'm changing for me- I want my son to prosper and my life to level out. 2. I realized after she left that I can be alone, I can pay the bills and I can be happy in my home alone. When she returned this time, I re-discovered why I loved her in the first place. I wish I were able to move on prior to her coming in, but it wan't in the cards. This visit was a serious wake up call. I hate being standbyed. Life or Live, it sucks.
OldManRiver48's picture
Submitted by OldManRiver48 on Tue, 08/21/2007 - 21:16
Shitty metaphors are not always welcome or fresh, but she has the ball in her court. I, like many side with Devons feelings. I do see that you have made many changes for yourself, not many can go party in Vegas one weekend and cold turkey for months-very impressive. I dont really know other than speculation, I think she likes where shes at now. Trying to find/fill emotional feelings and fulfillment in different areas, that are in her opinion-incomplete. Its very unlikely that she will re-enter into a previous relationship til she feels shes found her nirvana (many people look for things they already have). Its equally unlikely that you can help her with this on any level other than providing a "comfort zone" for her. If you choose to follow this path without her reciprocation, I advise you to start counciling and possible medication-no shit! You have my phone# and my friendship, call anytime. Sorry if thats harsh but I care about ya man, dont forget to treat yourself like you deserve. R
dkhodz's picture
Submitted by dkhodz on Tue, 08/21/2007 - 12:17
mass - you can only change yourself, that much is true. however, your wife is looking at you and paying attention to how you act and how you respond to her. that is a huge step. maybe it's true that she is playing you. i honestly have no idea. you need to judge for yourself whether she is being honest with you or not. here's where it gets difficult. no matter what she does to you, you have to do the right thing. that will mean different things to different people and different belief systems, but if you think she is wrong and cheating on you and she was only manipulating you to see your reaction - you cannot fail at your actions or reactions to her or you have lost her. i went through something i thought was similar about a year ago with my wife. i was convinced that she was in the driver's seat, manipulating me and having a good time without me during our separation. i acted accordingly and not only was i wrong in my perceptions and my actions, i may have permanently doomed my marriage in the process. time will tell. the point is, you cannot justify your actions based on her actions. you have to be the head of the household and be a man about your role in the situation and change yourself where you need to. i think you've already begun doing that and i applaud you for it. but don't give up just because a month or two goes by and you don't see the result you want from your wife. if you are serious about the changes in your life they will be there no matter what your wife chooses in her life. if you change just to get her back, you are not really serious about changing and your marriage is doomed. hang in there, buddy. i'll pray for you.
stang503421's picture
Submitted by stang503421 on Tue, 08/21/2007 - 12:19
Mass - Devon's right. Look at the situation with honest eyes. I don't know all of the gory details - and I'm not qualified to give any relationship advice, but I can tell you what I see. She's gone. That's hard enough on your kid. How much harder would it make it if he's confused about if she's coming back, if you still are trying to be with her, if she still wants to be around, etc. He needs some closure too. The see-saw of good/bad will wreck him man. This happened with my parents. I never knew wtf was going on. One minute they're together, one minute they're apart. Caused me some major problems growing up. Do it Sopranos style. Seek a professional to help you with your feelings - I know it sounds stupid and it costs money, but it HELPS. I did it for 8 years, every week, and I finally was able to cut through the bullshit and see what was really going on. I was blinded by FEAR. With fear comes worry, resentment, anger, and ultimately poor decision-making. Don't make the mistake of following this girl around and waiting on her. Move on. You owe it to yourself and to your kiddo. You're a fantastic guy mass - I've gotten to know you better in the last two months than some of my friends I've had for years. You deserve to be happy. Don't be the doormat - control your own destiny. Kick the FEAR habit and start moving on. Strip the emotion from the decisions you're making and logically and honestly look at the situation. Ain't nothin to a G Mass - you will overcome this - and you and your boy will be just fine.
PeepshowJanitor's picture
Submitted by PeepshowJanitor on Tue, 08/21/2007 - 12:24
Dude, look at it this way! She is like a free agent in between contracts right now! She is "Feeling" out a couple of teams right now to see which fits her needs at the present, and, which will "Pay" her the most! I personally would geve her a time limit, but don't tell her about it. Make it up in your head, stick with it, and if she exceeds the time limit, move on! Love is a bitch, I speak from personal experience with my Ex! But it is your life, and your sons life too! Hang in der man! Peep
Cold's picture
Submitted by Cold on Tue, 08/21/2007 - 13:05
I know your wise to this already but your son is the most important part of this whole snafu, whatever goes down should have his best interests in mind... hopefully your wife feels the same way... if not, fuck it man. Emotional roller coasters suck for the wee ones. I'm not trying to take anything away from your pain, but he needs stability regardless of your turmoil on the issue. Keep it pimp

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