....

I haven't heard from her since Thursday.  I didn't hear from her over Memorial Day weekend.  She hasn't talked to the boy since Thursday evening.  She told me that she didn't want to be shut out of his life if it went south, but I knew she was having a pipe dream.  I spent all of my childhood as a stepchild.  When a stepparent goes, they never come back.  Sometimes, in my case, it was a welcome relief.  But she got mad at me when I told her she would find someone new, become a 40 year old baby factory and forget all about that little boy.  They move on, have their own family and the new family has no room for the old family.  The stepparent's new spuse has enough to cope with the new stepkids and most definitely doesn't want anything to do with old stepkids.  All the bonds are shredded like so much stuffing in the musty matresses of our past.  

Seems like she's already forgotten.  

I changed the locks on the front door.  I nearly cried, but I did it. I don't want the boy coming home to an empty house- or worse, a house full of strange people stealing all of his familiar surroundings.  If she wants to come home, she has to ask now.  She has broken all the trust there is to be broken, I have none left to give.  I have cycled between hurt, anger, madness, depression, sheer terror, snivelling misery, and all the way around again.  She has never once said she was sorry about hurting the boy's feelings, only that she needed time for herself.  Every woman in that kid's life, incuding bio mom, all the have placed themselves above him.    E v e r y    o n e.      That is the sin I am having the toughest time coming to grips with. 

Call it seven year itch, call it 15th century geocentricism, this woman has placed herself above all others.  I believe in taking care of yourself, I believe in ensuring your own happiness, but when you take on the burden of the welfare of a child, yours or not, you have to take a second seat.  I guess that what makes the difference between Mommys and Daddys versus parents.  Anybody can conceive a child, but not many should.  I salute all of you moms and dads who place your family above all else, come hell or high water.  I see the love and the care given to those families, I see Moms and Dads taking on extra burdens to give just a little more to someone in need, and I see hope in our future.  We just have to stand united with our loved ones and give shelter and support to those in the cold rain.  In the big picture, I have very little to be sorry for.  We have our health; we have our safety.  We have a home and food.  And we have each other. 

The boy and I will survive.  That's what we do.. survive.

It's just gonna hurt for a little while.

Ain't Nothin' to a G.