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TDrag27

Shared on Wed, 09/02/2009 - 08:57

The UnlockXbox contest is starting up again. On my way into work I think I hit money on a concept...Tell me what you think. I think it would be bad-ass. I'm just not sure it's marketable.

It's called "Cock-Punch the Cyclist".

You start out in the downtown city of Doritoville in your little Honda Civic. You're just trying to get to work and make a living. There are pedestrians, buses, and asshole traffic cops getting in your way. But worst of all, there are cyclists. Instead of using sidewalks, they want you to "share the road." This drives you into insanity. In fact, you can't wait until the arctic winter to come to drive them back into their Priuses. Anyway - the object of the game is to punch the cyclist as you drive by. You can't really seriously hurt or kill them - just punch them a little. And based on the trajectory of your fist while sitting in a civic, this will end up being a cock-punch.

For each cock-punch you get points. And you can buy upgrades with your points. Some low-level upgrades might be an extend-o-arm that allow you to punch further. Or maybe some patchouli oil car scent to attract cyclists closer to your car. Some higher level upgrades might be a green exhaust system that makes your car quieter or a new car all together that is higher up, or smaller to be more nimble. I haven't got it all worked out yet.

On the map(s) there might also be temporarily upgrades. For example, "carpoolers got sick for a day" could show up so a ton more cyclists are available for you to cock-punch. Or "Everyone forgot their rubber band" so that cycylist after cyclist gets there pant leg stuck in the chain and their cock basically falls into your fist - things like that...

I'm still thinking about how else the game might work. I might draw up some concept art. I'm pretty jazzed about this though. I know I would like to play this game. Any suggestions to make it better?

 

Comments

shred1's picture
Submitted by shred1 on Fri, 09/11/2009 - 08:21
Awesome post but seeing as I'm in my Dodge Ram I'm punching them in there gay heads.
Big0ne's picture
Submitted by Big0ne on Wed, 09/02/2009 - 09:00
I wrote a blog bitching about these cyclists myself a few months ago... Prepare to be told what an asshole you are.
Jmarps's picture
Submitted by Jmarps on Wed, 09/02/2009 - 09:07
Just an FYI, in our area, it is illegal for cyclists to rise on the sidewalks. They are supposed to share the road. I bet it is the same where you are.
MikeTheKnife's picture
Submitted by MikeTheKnife on Wed, 09/02/2009 - 09:07
How about some type of reward bonus that lets you raise a drawbridge while a whole pack of them are riding over it? Or a flock of birds that you can call in to shit on their heads? I want to play this game already!!!
wooglin1161's picture
Submitted by wooglin1161 on Wed, 09/02/2009 - 09:25
some sort of bonus speedbag round where you see how many times you can hit the same biker in..well...the bag. kind of like the old mortal kombat thing where you ha to break the boards betwen matches
alabama_old_fart's picture
Submitted by alabama_old_fart on Wed, 09/02/2009 - 09:31
Don't understand the attraction. We don't have cyclists down here, too damn hot!! Everybody has at least one car, even if it is on blocks in the front yard
Zero1's picture
Submitted by Zero1 on Wed, 09/02/2009 - 09:31
I think you should get a bonus if you hit them hard enough that their helmets come in through your window. And if they aren't wearing helmets then you get a head explosion ala Gears of War.
th3midnighter's picture
Submitted by th3midnighter on Wed, 09/02/2009 - 09:34
If its a hot chick in bicycle shorts with her thong sticking it, you give that a tug instead of the cock punch. I've heard the cameltoe is not a pleasane experience to go through from the ladies perspective. Although I think Dean might disagree with that. i
FadeIntoBlack's picture
Submitted by FadeIntoBlack on Wed, 09/02/2009 - 09:37
As a cyclist, I had an initial reaction to post here but I am not going to do it. I won't touch on the sidewalk issue at all, since it is really pretty self evident. Instead I think I'll just go out and ride and enjoy the sunshine and the incredible bits of life I get to see and enjoy that people rushing by in a car hurrying to work/home/etc never get to see through a windshield. :D Enjoy your commute.
TDrag27's picture
Submitted by TDrag27 on Wed, 09/02/2009 - 09:44
As long as you're a law-abiding cyclist, I probably have no problem with you. What makes drivers angry is that cyclists make us nervous. If I hit a car, most likely we're both going to walk away just fine. We have an insurance issue, but who cares - nobody is hurt. If I hit you, you may not walk away from it. And cyclists in Minneapolis weave in and out of cars, have to traverse horrible potholes and are just really unpredictable. I don't like having an unpredictable, fragile person 1 foot away from my car. It makes me fucking nervous and when I'm nervous like that, I get fucking angry and this blog is blowing off some steam. If anyone wants to call me an asshole for that, be my fucking guest.
Lusetti67's picture
Submitted by Lusetti67 on Wed, 09/02/2009 - 09:45
Not all cyclist have cocks. So it should be Sock the cock and twist the twat ? = )
LukeBerry's picture
Submitted by LukeBerry on Wed, 09/02/2009 - 09:46
Sometimes people should keep thier thoughts to themselves.
NormalGuy's picture
Submitted by NormalGuy on Wed, 09/02/2009 - 10:02
I prefer punch the peach.
Sagitarian's picture
Submitted by Sagitarian on Wed, 09/02/2009 - 10:19
You're supposed to cycle on the road, you only use your bike on a sidewalk to stop and when your 4 learning how to ride. Living in an urban environment, it's more tolerated and promoted as a form of transportation. And, even though I like to bike myself there are times I get angry at people who are cycling stupid as well. But, people also drive like assholes as well as walk too so, idk that you can limit it to just people who cycle :P.
Lusetti67's picture
Submitted by Lusetti67 on Wed, 09/02/2009 - 10:28
Sometimes people should lighten up and suck it raw !
Prof_Rockwell's picture
Submitted by Prof_Rockwell on Wed, 09/02/2009 - 10:30
While cyclists may make certain drivers nervous, the same could be said about drivers making cyclists nervous. It's been my experience (commuting to work solely by bike for 3+ years) that in general, drivers don't really pay attention to cyclists. I've been car doored, hit by side view mirrors, cut off by UPS trucks, knocked into oncoming traffic and sandwiched between a moving vehicle and a parked car all because the driver 'didn't see me there'. When you're in control of 2 tons of steel moving at 30-60 MPH vs 15 pounds of aluminum moving at 10-20 MPH who has the greater responsibility? That said, there are a lot of asshole bikers that have a holier-than-thou-I'm-saving-the-environment-so-I-can-do-what-I-want-you-evil-car-driver attitude that ruins the reputation for the rest of us.
wooglin1161's picture
Submitted by wooglin1161 on Wed, 09/02/2009 - 10:47
i like burning fossil fuels and making the earth hotter. i sometimes like to just run my car for fun...not drive it, just let it run idle in my driveway....good times!! :P and remember....with great power comes great responsibility
MikeTheKnife's picture
Submitted by MikeTheKnife on Wed, 09/02/2009 - 11:35
Since we're taking a serious turn--the only cyclists that piss me off are the ones who ride on the left side of the road. Once in college, I pulled up to make a right turn--I was looking left, where cars and bikes SHOULD be approaching from--and some fuckwit rode right into the side of my car, flew over his bars and slid across my hood. The douche gets up angry and yelling at me--never have I been more happy to yell out "ride on the legal side of the road, asshole!" I'm not saying who would have won out legally--he probably would have, being a bike rider. But for all you assholes who don't follow that law--DRIVERS LOOK LEFT WHEN THEY ARE TURNING RIGHT
Lbsutke's picture
Submitted by Lbsutke on Wed, 09/02/2009 - 11:47
I like your idea, it sounds like a good time and Funny as hell. Throw a little bit of Mids idea in (but they are wearing really tight fitting sports bra's and have huge racks, that is my request), and you have my vote. I get that you are nervous about the bike guys/gals. Just remember they are nervous about getting hit as well. The ones weaving in and out of traffic between cars are breaking the law, but just like every other group on this planet you have the good ones, and the one's that deserve to get donkey punched. And no I do not think you are an Asshole, maybe a little sadistic, but that is what makes you A-ok.
Automan21k's picture
Submitted by Automan21k on Wed, 09/02/2009 - 11:48
I will suggest double points for the hippie on the recumbant bike...every day, the same guy swerving in and out of traffic on our way home because he doesn't know how to ride the damn thing...out of the 10-15 cyclists we see, he's the only one we have issues with...and yes he does cause atleast one accident a week....screw double points....make it tripple.
newtizzle's picture
Submitted by newtizzle on Wed, 09/02/2009 - 13:14
i have to agree completely with tara. although we dont have as many city riders in Duluth, there are a ton that ride on the country roads. i grew up in the country and had to deal with it almost everyday. i respect the fact the riders wanted to get exercise and enjoy a nice ride. but i really didnt like that they chose the most blind curvey 50 mph road in the whole township. its one thing if they ride in a line or even doubles side by side, but they would be 4 wide almost drifting into the other lane. pretty damn freaky when you minding your own business and you almost take out someone with your damn mirror going the other way. or you have to pile on your breaks because they are doing 30 and your doing 55 rounding a corner. legally i think they should have to have blinkers since they dont always use the hand signals. but i support the sock the cock/stub the toe game whole heartedly. great idea tara.
NorthernPlato's picture
Submitted by NorthernPlato on Wed, 09/02/2009 - 13:17
there needs to be an occasional cyclist who screams "WHY!" when you punch'em in the junk. The driver needs to yell back "You know why!" That would make punching the cyclists in the cock more fun, imo
FadeIntoBlack's picture
Submitted by FadeIntoBlack on Wed, 09/02/2009 - 13:38
@ Newtizzle When you are on a 40 or 50 mile ride there are no routes without at least a couple of blind curves. There are bad cyclists everywhere just like bad drivers as was said. Getting buzzed by a side view mirror by a truck doing 60 will teach you the meaning of "puckered" in ways you never thought possible. Sometimes cyclists get hit and it's tragic. Like riding a motorcycle, people just need to be aware. Put the iPhone down and stopping texting while driving helps. Riding in group rides helps when possible. Cyclists everywhere are petioning their local governments for bike lanes. People should just prepare, because with the economy, fuel pricing, costs of new vehicles, etc there will be more and more. Not just bikes, but motorcycles, scooters, and those toy smart cars (about the same size as a bike) that seem to be everywhere these days
MikeTheKnife's picture
Submitted by MikeTheKnife on Wed, 09/02/2009 - 13:51
Oh hell yeah if you want to start going off on texting/phonetalking drivers I will jump right on that bandwagon. At least a biker being a dumbass probably isn't going to kill anyone other than themselves.
TDrag27's picture
Submitted by TDrag27 on Wed, 09/02/2009 - 13:57
@NorthernPlato - I almost spit out my pop. "You know why" - that's awesome!

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