GTA 4 reviewed by my granddad.

#¤@@##§GODDAMNGOODFERNUTHINCRAPPYPIECEOFSHIT$$&}#@$¤!!!
That pretty much sums up this pile of dogshit excuse for a game. What the heck does young people see in this anyway??
You drive around doing absolutely nothing, that is when you're not robbing, killing or causing general havoc. I fail to see the difference between this and what I see outside my window every day. Filthy, lazy and unemployed foreigners spending their days sucking on this mighty nation's tit.They should all be driven to the border and given the bum's rush.

So there I was driving in, what's supposedly, a sportscar, only it handles worse than my lorry (incl. tools). I was told this was as close as you could get to real life in a videogame, so I assumed I'd just have to get the car overhauled and serviced before it was useable. Wrong! The so called service I got at this Pay'n'Spray was on par with WalMart on a sunday morning, when only pimple faced, hung over adolescents are on duty. They just splashed a new coat of paint on my car, and when i went back in to complain, they did it again. They should thank their lucky stars, I didn't have Margaret with me. Pay'n'Spray is just another low quality/high prices chain, which only serves on purpose: Drive out honest hardworking men, who actually care about their customers. That of all things, they got right.

As I was leaving the pay'n'Spray (§##&/#@$¤) this cellphone starts ringing. I don't own a cellphone, so what in hell convinced the so called Rockstars, I want one in this game??! At least they put in a feature to ignore it, so I did. Only for the damn thing to ring again 2 minutes later. Ignore. And so things went on for the next 10 mins, untill I finally decided to pick up. "Hello". Whaddaya know, it's another of those lowlife scumbags, that's snuck over the border, and this one openly suggests I should commit some form of crime. This is when i screamed into the microphone: "YOU SNOTNOSED MONKEY LOVER. I'VE STOOD UP FOR YOUR GOAT EATING COUNTRYMEN DURING WORLD WAR II AND THIS IS HOW YOU THANK ME AND 1000S OF OTHER HONEST MEN!!". I guess I hit a sore spot, because he promptly ended  the conversation.

I decided to go look for honest work, as this would show this foreign leech, Niko bellic, the value of sweating for your pay. It wasn't long before I found a scafolding, but as is the norm with young people these days no one was working there. I can only assume they were to drugged up to show up for work, so i took matters into my own hands and climbed up to finish whatever they were building. This is when nostalgia hit me. I remembered the old days, when we used to whistle at skirts. Good times. Of course I love my wife, but I don't see any harm in looking at the bee's knees. So I did. Whistling didn't produce the desired effect though. No dames turned around to let you know they appreciated the compliment, instead a cab on the other side of the street pulled over.
At this point I noticed a strange orange light coming under a bridge behind the cab, and decided to investigate. Low and behold, there was a nice looking shotgun, not as fine as Margaret, but fine enough for me. I decided to call her Greta, and went back my car. Only it wasn't my car. This scumbag I was supposed to be controlling, decides to smash the window on a parked car instead of taking his own sedan. Luckily a police officer was nearby, so I started yelling to him, that I didn't do it, and I had no idea why this scuzzbucket all of sudden started stealing cars. The police officer must've heard me, cause he proceeded to draw his sidearms and shoot this Niko Bellic character. Now normally I don't mind foreigners being shot, they always have it coming anyway, but this officer of the peace was a lousy shot and his shooting was clearly scaring honest men and women in the vicinity. I tried to calm him down over the microphone, but he ignored my pleas, so I had to draw out Greta and shoot him for the sake of the bystanders. I didn't bother to look for a payphone to call 911, since I could already hear an ambulance approaching.

I found my sedan and went to look for work elsewhere, only to be stopped by some woman chattering on her cellphone in the middle of a crossing, despite it being a clear red for her. Once again I had to give these people a piece of my mind, so I stepped out of the car and yelled "GET OUTTA THE WAY LADY!! I'M DRIVING HERE, SOME OF US ACTUALLY HAVE WORK TO DO!!"
This is when I noticed the 5 police cars and machine gun toting  officers, but before i could explain what had happened, I was shot dead.
That seemed like an appropriate lesson to Niko Bellic, and on that note I turned off the machine.

All in all this game seemed realistic as far as foreigners and car services go, I only wish the police were as dilligent as they are in this game, then we wouldn't have all these criminals running around.