Snuphy
Shared on Fri, 02/04/2011 - 11:03Still not sure what happened. All I know is that school was closed, and while other kids were playing in the snow, catching up on their reading, or playing with Barbies, my kid was using a Crayola marker to color her ass. Hope to have more news soon as I believe this issue has not yet been resolved. My kid still has a green ass, and my wife has been refusing to bathe her.
In the meantime I've gone email fishing for info twice. Attempt #1:
Subject: your youngest
Message: Has colored her anus green.
My reply: I guess she couldn't find the blue marker. (ed: I know blue is her favorite)
Her: Not her butt cheeks – although those have green swirls on them as well. We’re talking actual anus here.
Me: Unfortunately use of a single color shows an extreme lack of creativity.
. . . . and the crickets started chirping. So I waited a bit, then started attempt #2 at "not cheeks - actual anus":
Her: Not her butt cheeks – although those have green swirls on them as well. We’re talking actual anus here.
Me: Do we still own the green marker in question??
Her: I’m pretty sure she’s eaten it.
. . . . . which isn't just sarcasm, it's defensive Mommy sarcasm. That stuff scares me. But I felt the need to continue:
My reply: Green inside and out. That will be neat to see.
Her: It makes the butt wiping experience a rainbow of fun.
Me: You should feed her blueberries.
. . . . . . and the crickets returned. I haven't figured out a way to reinvigorate the electronic discussion. So I've been extra inquisitive at home. That has been an even tougher go. When I ask my wife about it, I get more of that defensive Mommy thing. In Jeff Foxworthy terms, my impression is that she thinks that "if your child colors her anus green, you might be a bad parent". So when I ask her about it, she just says something cute, like "go ask your fucking daughter". And when I ask the kid, she acts shy and insecure, things she is not, and turns quietly evasive.
What I do know is that when I got home from work, my daughter was still buck naked. I'm not clear whose choice that was. What was clear was the green ink on her buttock. She's painfully right handed like her old man. She'd only managed to extensively decorate one cheek, the one on her right. Other than the canvas, it was pretty normal artwork for a young child. You know the type, the tightly gripped implement swirled clockwise a couple of times, then counter clockwise a couple of times on a whim, then back to clockwise a few times for good measure. Even at a quick glance I could tell that some of the swirls had fallen off of Mount Fleshy HighKnee and had dipped into the dark, scary valley below. Actual illustration:
At this point I was really curious about how deep into the chasm the ink had been applied. But even under these circumstances, I did not feel it was justified to simply spread my daughter's ass cheeks to inspect her pucker. Luckily when my wife declared that supper was served, one of the few recent meals at which my entire family was available to attend, the little tyke felt it was the perfect time to take a dump. As an exceptional father and a loving husband, I volunteered to wield the TP.
I quickly discovered my daughter had eaten something heinous. I also discovered the inked, green swirls delved more extensively into the ass chasm than the highly visible artwork had suggested. She had used repetitive, broad strokes to fill in the entire valley floor from the upper cleft of her gluteus maxumi to unknown points south. I'm afraid my efforts to remove external fecal remnants had blurred the line between art and body part. My inspection discovered no reason to doubt that at one time some of those green lines had connected to the big dot. Another actual illustration:
I'm afraid that's all I know at this point. Nobody will tell me anything. I can't find the green pen. In fact I can't find any Crayola markers anywhere in the house.
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Comments
Submitted by Automan21k on Fri, 02/04/2011 - 13:21
Submitted by wamam87 on Fri, 02/04/2011 - 16:51
Submitted by CrypticCat on Fri, 02/04/2011 - 18:46
Submitted by MTPathy on Fri, 02/04/2011 - 19:13
Submitted by Snuphy on Fri, 02/04/2011 - 19:42
Submitted by Armorsmith76 on Fri, 02/04/2011 - 23:01
Submitted by splat on Sat, 02/05/2011 - 00:27
Submitted by buckeye75 on Sat, 02/05/2011 - 07:14