Stream of Conscious writing of Self Discovery

I stand here with tears streaming down my face and know that I am standing a crossroads in my life. You know when these moments sneak up on you that they will be one of those stepping stones of your life that you will look back on when your 80, and sitting outside in a rocking chair, with your cat in your lap and smile to yourself as you remember all you have done and all the strife you have over come.

It's one of those life changing moments that we all endure, this is the moment of truth. This only happens when you have hit the very bottom of the molten black pit that you have found yourself. For some of us this has become almost a comforting familiar place, where we can hide from our hearts and run from whatever frightens us most. Recede into the blackness and melt into the comforting grip of darkness as it sheaths us from ourselves. I have wanted to stay here more than once. Drift away from the madness of the world around me and just disappear in the blanket of nothingness. But because the Gods have blessed me with this unmeasurable strength, that feels more like a curse most of the time, I usually find my way out. And in those times where the desire to stay was stronger than my desire to tap into my inner strength, there has always been someone there to pick me up and carry me out. Usually one of two people, my husband or my best friend. There love for me is so strong that it measures more than any black hole that may try to consume me.

I have been enveloped by the darkness within my soul for quite sometime, and have reached the point where my desire to stay overcame and strangled my inner strength. I curled up and waited. Felt myself fading into the blackness that has become more of a welcoming old friend than that of a menacing life sucking force. For the first time ever, in my life..no one came. No one was there to offer a hand..to crawl into the bowels of death and grab me up and carry me out. I found myself alone. I have never ever felt that alone.

As the warmth and comfort so frequently that called to me, whispering in my ear that this was a safe place, a safe place from everything I was used to running from, began to change. The silky heat of the blackness faded away, and the chill seeped in. A chill like the bare concrete floor in a musty, dank room deep with in the earth's shell. Utterly alone and helpless, I begin to recall the smell of fresh rain, the sound of children laughing, the smell of a new book, and a flood of other images that reminded me why I have a reason to save myself. Suddenly, more than anything, I wanted to be that 80n year old woman sitting in her rocking chair, after a fresh rain, listen to the grandchildren laughing in the background. Opening a gift from my  daughter to discover that it is one of those heart warming Chicken Soul Books. I flip through the pages, inhale that familiar fragrance and smile. (Knowing that I probably can't read a word with out my glasses).  My son will remember that I love flowers and bring me a bouquet of flowers he and his children have picked on the side of the road. My husband will be rocking beside me, holding my hand.

So back to the actual focus of this little stream of conscious writing. I believe the crossroads will mark a turning point in my life, should I choose to take it. I look back over my shoulder and see how far I have come. My knees are scraped, my nails are bloody, and I stand here knowing I got here on my own terms. I can forge forward and embrace change. This is almost always impossible for me and anyone who knows me, well knows that I hate change. I despise how is turns my life upside down and I struggle trying to find a foot hold.

As I look forward I see all those that I care about, standing there, waiting for me to journey forward, so that I may join them once again, by their side. I look at their confused faces and realize that they have their own issues and distractions and I believe that they did not know that I had fallen. At that moment I decided that I knew that down deep I have a desire to experience everything that life has to offer. There are sensations that I have yet to feel. Pleasures I have yet to taste. Pain I have yet to experience. Tears I have yet to cry. Laughter I have yet to share, and those moments we capture along the way that define our character, define our history, define our life. Walk with me.