Deep thoughts..

You are heard by many people. We all land somewhere and can begin the climb back.

Hey you! I know exactly the feeling you're describing there. We're all only human and we can only absorb so much before our brains hit the emergency brake. A period in my life that I very rarely discuss is the time where a lot of personal searching was going on during a period of a lot of stress aswell. I married a girl shortly before leaving for the Lebanon now more than twenty years ago. She and grew up together and went for the better part of our teenage years to the same schools aswell. I always felt like she merely tolerated my presence, especially since we both had very different beliefs at the time. I was deeply involved in the freedom-movement and even though it had her interest, she had a career in mind. It was on a sunny day in her parents garden when we decided to get married. She said out of the blue something like; you know, this blows. Why don't we just get married. I said; sure. Shortly after the marriage, I enlisted to join the UN-forces and left for the Lebanon, she landed a good job by a multi-national. Then, most of it inside a year, I saw horrible things and witnessed a very close friend getting killed by an anti-personell mine. I rotated for a short while to be with Muriel and then returned back to the Lebanon to oversee the withdrawal of the Dutch detachment from the Lebanon, at least, the abandoning of it, more or less. It was there that my C.O. personally came to see and told me that my wife had died in a traffic accident. The state you describe in your blog just now, is exactly how I felt back then. This all-encompassing almost eternal blackness is your brain saying "no more". I was getting great help back then, as the Dutch Army doesn't like their soldiers going bonkers and I was back on my feet in a faily short time. Talking helps, so if you feel like talking and you can't find anyone to listen, pour your heart out to me. You can find me on XBL (CrypticCat) if you feel like video-chatting, you can PM me through here, or send me email (bock0138@planet.nl). Not much in the way of help I can offer otherwise, but listening and maybe ffering some advise that'll help you. Hang in there, I know it'll get better!

On a lighter note....it could just be the ball-gag. Just saying...

Or could just be a bad connection with life. Sometimes I also feel that Life lags.......

Many times your survival instinct is from your Family/loved ones that fuel the desire to move forward. Sometimes that doesnt seem like enough, but it always works for me.