Updated Employees Handbook

DRESS CODE
 
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.  If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we
assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that
 you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.  If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do
not need a raise.
  
 
  SICK DAYS 
 
We will no longer accept a doctors statement as proof of sickness.  If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.


  PERSONAL DAYS
 
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
 
 
  BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
 
This is no excuse for missing work.  There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers.  Every effort should be made to have
 non-employees attend to the arrangements.  In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late
 afternoon.  We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
 

   RESTROOM USE
 
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.  There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls.  At the end of three minutes, an
 alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.  After your second offense, your picture
 will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
 
 
   LUNCH BREAK
 
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.  Normal-size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
 balanced meal to maintain their average figure. 

 Overweight people get 5 (FIVE) minutes for lunch, because thats all the time needed to drink a SlimFast.
 
 

    Thank you for your loyalty to our company.  We are here to provide a positive employment experience.  Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be
 directed elsewhere.
 
   
  Have a nice week! THE MANAGEMENT