Philthy
Shared on Tue, 01/09/2007 - 18:36I’m bored at work and I’ve started to notice a trend around the office, so I’m gonna write about it. It seems that around this time of year, people are just starting to kick off their New Years Resolutions. Whether it be losing weight, exercising more, eating healthier, spending more time with family, or just changing your sexual preference. And in recent years, yours truly wouldn't have been any different (except for the last thing). But I've decided to take a stand against this cult phenomenon by actually picking out the things that I could do better or more often......and then not doing a damn thing about them. A friend of mine came up with this idea (have to give credit where credit is due), so I've decided to run with it. So here's my list of The Five New Years Resolutions I Do Not Intend To Keep.
#5 - I resolve to go to church
- Why it's a good idea - I go to church for weddings, funerals, and Easter. That's it. So, if there actually is a God, it's better to ere on the safe side, no? Not to mention that my mother is deeply involved in her church, and it would warm the cockles of her heart to hear that I was going to church every Sunday. Plus, I used to go when I was young and didn't have a getaway car, so maybe the big man will give me time to catch up.
- Why I’m not changing – Because church is boring. Boooorrrriiinnnggg. I am Baptist – I should say my parents are Baptist. I didn’t have a choice. And our service was painfully long. They even had Morning Service (church before church – I kid you not) and Sunday School. It was, all told, about 4 days long. I’m sorry if I offend you devout Christians, but I’m not the biggest believer in organized religion. If you want to worship an invisible magician from over 2,000 years ago, be my guest. I don’t shit on people’s beliefs. But don’t try to guilt me into going to church by damning me to hell, and then I miss kickoff in the 1:00 games. Speaking of which……
#4 – I resolve to care less about sports
·; Why it’s a good idea – A loss by my favorite sports team will ruin anywhere from a day to 6 months depending on the magnitude of the game. I will make it very well known to family and friends that trying to talk to me about it, or even worse, console me about it, will incur my fiery wrath. That can’t be healthy. Plus, I’ll watch any sport, especially if it is in HD. Seriously, if ESPN and ESPN 2 were the only channels I got, I honestly could care less.
·; Why I’m not changing – Because I am the ESPN generation. I grew up on all sports, all the time. My dad said he came home from drinking with my grandfather one night, and he found me on the couch watching curling. I was 4. Plus, it’s male bonding. You can’t have the highest of highs and lowest of lows without sports. It’s also enjoyable to make fun of people when their most precious of teams loses. For example, on our clan board - simply by laughing at the final score of the last nights game, an Ohio State fan became enraged enough to attack me personally and call me a douchebag. And I don’t blame him in the least. He’s a nice guy. I play with him online occasionally. That’s why I like sports. I think I’m going to try to care as much as him from now on. Apparently I don’t care enough. Plus, my girlfriend hates sports, and I like to torture her. As far as my girlfriend is concerned…..
#3 – I resolve not to “help myself out” so much
·; Why it’s a good idea – Listen…..I own my own condo and I live by myself. My girlfriend is in GradSchool in NC. I’m in Philly. We see each other once a month. I’m faithful to her. I have the internet. You see where I’m going with this? I pump my fist more than an audience member at the Arsenio Hall show. (what was that like 10 years ago?!? I’m no good with current pop culture) To quote Charlie Murphy “I beat my d**k like it owes me money.” If all the myths about masturbation were true, I would be the hairy palmed blind hobo on your street corner begging for lotion. My girlfriend came home for X-mas and went on my computer before I had a chance to clear the history out of my browser. She said it was nothing but porn and video game sites. I’m sure you guys are proud.
·; Why I’m not changing – Cause it’s there and I can.
I’ll post the top two in a couple of days, if anyone bothers to read my ramblings. Later
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Comments
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