Gatsu
Shared on Tue, 07/18/2006 - 03:33Julia and I had a bit of bad dialogue this morning.
Ive been feeling like shit the past day or so because of alot of things Ive been dealing with personally. I try to talk about it online only to kinda get my problems pushed to the side by her. Which I know she didnt mean. But I just decided to say "Im heading out I feel like shit. Ill ttyl." then signed off. I slept till 4:00 am.
Signed back on and Julia is still on. So we start talking. Despite what she thinks I know shes been feeling like cutting and maybe a little suicidal the past few days. And Ive asked several times if this was the case and shes said "no no. Im not. Just not feeling well." So tonight I confronted it. Because Im still not feeling well and my patience is practically nill right now. I wasnt an asshole about anything. But I didnt take BS. Im tired of BS. especially from her about this.
I asked her if she felt like cutting. "No not now..." was the response. My response was "Ah so I guess its been taken care of then." Yeah.
My response "awsome". Her question about made me jump up and punch a wall "Are you mad"? No...I feel like going and hugging an entire box of kittens. No shit there sweety. I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs and putting holes in my wall. I feel like taking my katana and cutting down some trees in the woods behind me.
Goddammit. I really didnt need this bullshit right now. Struggling enough with myself and all this weight bullshit. Didnt need this shit to come up again. Has she been doing ok with it? Some. Not great though. Shes still smoking and apparantly still cutting as well. Which I thought both had stopped or at least eased up. Naive me.
Ill admit Im so close to just saying "you know what? fuck this. youre never gonna fucking change...and neither am I. so we may as well just say fuck it right now and move on." But Im not. Because i know I would regret it as soon as I said it.
I told her flat out "Im tired of this sweetness. Im tired of the excuses and my counselor said. Youre not being held to anything you do anymore. So Im holding you to it. Handle this or Im leaving. Because I swore Id never date a smoker. And you werent a smoker when we started dating. Id hate to end it over something this small. So dont let that happen. Handle your shit girl. Im here for support. But I cant fuckin hold your hand all the time. Your a grown fucking woman. Handle it like a fucking grown woman. And dont think that cutting, smoking and drinking makes you look any better to anyone on your myspace page. Because if youre doing this to get attention from fellow internet whores, then Im gone. Because Im not dating someone who wont talk to me but will talk to people she doesnt even fucking know online.
Im going back to sleep. Im fucking tired. Fuck this right now. Just fuck it.
Ive been feeling like shit the past day or so because of alot of things Ive been dealing with personally. I try to talk about it online only to kinda get my problems pushed to the side by her. Which I know she didnt mean. But I just decided to say "Im heading out I feel like shit. Ill ttyl." then signed off. I slept till 4:00 am.
Signed back on and Julia is still on. So we start talking. Despite what she thinks I know shes been feeling like cutting and maybe a little suicidal the past few days. And Ive asked several times if this was the case and shes said "no no. Im not. Just not feeling well." So tonight I confronted it. Because Im still not feeling well and my patience is practically nill right now. I wasnt an asshole about anything. But I didnt take BS. Im tired of BS. especially from her about this.
I asked her if she felt like cutting. "No not now..." was the response. My response was "Ah so I guess its been taken care of then." Yeah.
My response "awsome". Her question about made me jump up and punch a wall "Are you mad"? No...I feel like going and hugging an entire box of kittens. No shit there sweety. I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs and putting holes in my wall. I feel like taking my katana and cutting down some trees in the woods behind me.
Goddammit. I really didnt need this bullshit right now. Struggling enough with myself and all this weight bullshit. Didnt need this shit to come up again. Has she been doing ok with it? Some. Not great though. Shes still smoking and apparantly still cutting as well. Which I thought both had stopped or at least eased up. Naive me.
Ill admit Im so close to just saying "you know what? fuck this. youre never gonna fucking change...and neither am I. so we may as well just say fuck it right now and move on." But Im not. Because i know I would regret it as soon as I said it.
I told her flat out "Im tired of this sweetness. Im tired of the excuses and my counselor said. Youre not being held to anything you do anymore. So Im holding you to it. Handle this or Im leaving. Because I swore Id never date a smoker. And you werent a smoker when we started dating. Id hate to end it over something this small. So dont let that happen. Handle your shit girl. Im here for support. But I cant fuckin hold your hand all the time. Your a grown fucking woman. Handle it like a fucking grown woman. And dont think that cutting, smoking and drinking makes you look any better to anyone on your myspace page. Because if youre doing this to get attention from fellow internet whores, then Im gone. Because Im not dating someone who wont talk to me but will talk to people she doesnt even fucking know online.
Im going back to sleep. Im fucking tired. Fuck this right now. Just fuck it.
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