Gatsu
Shared on Sat, 04/15/2006 - 22:31I remember 2.5 years ago I was in my room listening to some music. I thought to myself, everyone Im friends with has someone special...why dont I?
I remember it bothering me for a while. Why couldnt I find someone, every girl I asked ended up being a self-righteous bitch or someone just out for my wallet. Once I would tell them Im a poor bitch Id be yesterdays news. So I gave up. I never would have my girl. Then I met Julia. She was everything I wanted in a girl. Dark hair and eyes, sexy bod, easy-going personality, funny and most importantly loves games and anime like I do. She met all that criteria, and partly to my dismay so much more.
The first few months of the relationship started like most do, just getting to know each other and spending every waking moment with one another. hehe.
As the relationship went on, we moved into the physical realm of it. And thats when I found out about her scars. The word "Bad" was scarred her stomach, and numerous marks covered her lower legs and upper arms. My girlfriend was a self-mutilator. At first I didnt understand at all and was very upset by it. "How can someone do that to themselves" I could never understand that. And even to this day I cant see it. I decided to stay with her because I thought maybe she didnt do it any more, but I was wrong. I started seeing fresh wounds once in a while, and I found out to that she had a rather bad history/childhood. Coming from a broken home, being raped by her first boyfriend, being molested by her mothers boyfriend, having diabetes at 16, bi-polar disorder...and a slew of other issues.
The phrase "Be careful what you ask for" has sprung to mind many times...and I do know we are together for a reason...whether its God or otherwise. But I have committed myself to her. Im not the heavy dating type, so when I find something I like, I cling hardcore and do everything I can to make it work.
But weve been together for a little over 2 years now. Since weve been together she has committed 2 suicide attempts, both involving overdosing on her medication. She has been in the mental hospital 4 times just since summer of last year. Some things have gotten better, but some have gotten alot worse. She now smokes and drinks when she never did before, and was actually an advocate of anti-smoking.
Through the 2 years she has pushed me to my limits and has shown me what kind of person I am. She has helped me grow stronger and become a better person. But at this point I dont know how much farther I can go. I love her dearly and I would do anything for her. And I would love nothing more than to grow old together and play video games in a retirement home somewhere. But I dont know if thats a realistic view of things or not. I like to hope against hope and see the good in people and see there potential for good. But I find myself questioning her at almost every step now, every phone call gets me nervous..."Is she ok?". Every conversation has me asking "Are you ok?" at least 10 times. And I never know if shes telling me the truth or not. There had been times where Id talked to her one day, "Yeah Im ok" then the next day I have to pull out the first aid kit and alchohol and bandage up her legs or an arm because she had a "bad night."
She has told me she will try her hardest to be better, to quit the bad habits and to open up and trust me and to try to work on her issues. And it has happened little by little. I guess I may be impatient. I feel like Im waiting for her to fail...which isnt fair of me to do. But Im not sure what to expect from her anymore. And I dont know what I should expect from myself in this situation. She has made this promise before, and ended up in the hospital.
Most of this entry is showing off the negative side...and even though it hasnt been all peaches and cream, there have been some really great times weve had together. I just need some advice on dealing with the darker side of it so that I can continue on. I dont want to lose her.
Anyone out there have any advice for a dumbass like me?
I remember it bothering me for a while. Why couldnt I find someone, every girl I asked ended up being a self-righteous bitch or someone just out for my wallet. Once I would tell them Im a poor bitch Id be yesterdays news. So I gave up. I never would have my girl. Then I met Julia. She was everything I wanted in a girl. Dark hair and eyes, sexy bod, easy-going personality, funny and most importantly loves games and anime like I do. She met all that criteria, and partly to my dismay so much more.
The first few months of the relationship started like most do, just getting to know each other and spending every waking moment with one another. hehe.
As the relationship went on, we moved into the physical realm of it. And thats when I found out about her scars. The word "Bad" was scarred her stomach, and numerous marks covered her lower legs and upper arms. My girlfriend was a self-mutilator. At first I didnt understand at all and was very upset by it. "How can someone do that to themselves" I could never understand that. And even to this day I cant see it. I decided to stay with her because I thought maybe she didnt do it any more, but I was wrong. I started seeing fresh wounds once in a while, and I found out to that she had a rather bad history/childhood. Coming from a broken home, being raped by her first boyfriend, being molested by her mothers boyfriend, having diabetes at 16, bi-polar disorder...and a slew of other issues.
The phrase "Be careful what you ask for" has sprung to mind many times...and I do know we are together for a reason...whether its God or otherwise. But I have committed myself to her. Im not the heavy dating type, so when I find something I like, I cling hardcore and do everything I can to make it work.
But weve been together for a little over 2 years now. Since weve been together she has committed 2 suicide attempts, both involving overdosing on her medication. She has been in the mental hospital 4 times just since summer of last year. Some things have gotten better, but some have gotten alot worse. She now smokes and drinks when she never did before, and was actually an advocate of anti-smoking.
Through the 2 years she has pushed me to my limits and has shown me what kind of person I am. She has helped me grow stronger and become a better person. But at this point I dont know how much farther I can go. I love her dearly and I would do anything for her. And I would love nothing more than to grow old together and play video games in a retirement home somewhere. But I dont know if thats a realistic view of things or not. I like to hope against hope and see the good in people and see there potential for good. But I find myself questioning her at almost every step now, every phone call gets me nervous..."Is she ok?". Every conversation has me asking "Are you ok?" at least 10 times. And I never know if shes telling me the truth or not. There had been times where Id talked to her one day, "Yeah Im ok" then the next day I have to pull out the first aid kit and alchohol and bandage up her legs or an arm because she had a "bad night."
She has told me she will try her hardest to be better, to quit the bad habits and to open up and trust me and to try to work on her issues. And it has happened little by little. I guess I may be impatient. I feel like Im waiting for her to fail...which isnt fair of me to do. But Im not sure what to expect from her anymore. And I dont know what I should expect from myself in this situation. She has made this promise before, and ended up in the hospital.
Most of this entry is showing off the negative side...and even though it hasnt been all peaches and cream, there have been some really great times weve had together. I just need some advice on dealing with the darker side of it so that I can continue on. I dont want to lose her.
Anyone out there have any advice for a dumbass like me?
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Comments
Submitted by th3midnighter on Thu, 10/12/2006 - 14:21
Submitted by twistedcaboose on Sun, 04/16/2006 - 09:45
Submitted by Cranefolder on Sun, 04/16/2006 - 10:00
Submitted by Gatsu on Sun, 04/16/2006 - 11:05
Submitted by kweenie1969 on Sun, 04/16/2006 - 11:38