JSBs Night with Capsaicin and the Scoville Scale

Well, last night was a new one in my book.  It all started when I received my first Wal-Mart PO for an item I sold in.  Ive been learning the stuff and waiting for this chance for about 3 years, working on it for 13 months and finally got it.  So Joe, Julz and I decided to go to Foghorns (Hot Wing Restaurant) for some wings to celebrate.  

Monday Night Football was on so we were just chilling at first.  Julz noticed this new thing on the Foghorns menu: Super Insanity Wings 5 for $9.99.  Eat all 5 in 15 minutes to get your picture on the wall and get them for Free!  Must sign liability waiver.  Joe immediately says hes going to do it.  I opt out, wisely, and order suicidal (2nd hottest actual flavor). 

Joe, Julz and I keep talking about it and Joe challenges me.  I decide Im going to man-up and do it.  I tell Joe that Ill do it if he goes and tells the waitress to add it to my order.  Julz excitedly volunteers (thanks a lot) and the wheels of pain are set in motion.  Joe and I begin arguing whether its smarter to eat them fast or to pace yourself.   My opinion is to scarf them down.  One is as hot as 5, so get them down quick thats my plan anyway.  

The wings arrive with rubber gloves that we are required to wear.  I proceed to eat the first 3, hurting substantially, but making it.  I pick up the fourth and Im overwhelmed.  My eyes begin draining water, my nose draining something and my mouth practically combusts.  I choke down the fourth, wondering if I actually ate the chicken because I couldnt feel it.  Now, suddenly, Im one step away from victory but really, really suffering.  Julz compares Joe and my appearance to soldiers in boot camp who have been tear-gassed.

Being so close to success, I decide to forge forward.  I pick up the 5th wing, but I honestly cant control my fingers well enough to eat it.  Its like my nervous system is starting to shut down in an effort to save me.  I shove the whole wing in my mouth, being my only option, and chew the goods off the bones.  I pull the wing out of my mouth and boom!  Im done.  I finished the 5 wings in about 1 minute.

With no control over my eyes, nose, mouth and sweat glands, I lean back and look at Joe.  He is on wing #2 and in worse shape than I am.  His strategy of pacing himself has backfired and hes throwing in the towel literally.  I had thought ahead and ordered a shot of vodka to help break up the oil.  I take the shot, swish it around like mouthwash (keep in mind I cant taste anything at this point) and swallow it.  It doesnt work as well as I had hoped, but I have faith that if I can just hold on, the pain will fade in time.   True to my expectation, about 20 minutes later it has faded to the point of tolerance.

In the meantime, Joe has still given up, and is at minute 13 of 15 with 3 wings left.  Ive been mustering all of my controllable energy to ridicule him non-stop ever since he quit.  He suddenly stops, gets this crazy look in his eyes and picks up the first of the three remaining wings.  With 20 seconds left, he finishes the 5th wing and earns his place on the Foghorn wall.   

Now here is Joe, just starting on the path of torture, while Im 13 minutes into relief.  Im finally getting the chance to experience the humor that Julz had enjoyed in the midst of my pain.  This was one of the funniest experiences of my life.  Joe is pacing back and forth, spitting ice off the deck and has this brainless look in his eyes because all he can do to fight the pain is vegetate.

Realizing we just got way more than we bargained for, we asked a few questions.  Here are the fun facts:

Pepper Spiciness is measured in Scoville units

Jalapeos rank at 5,000 units

Habaneros rank at 350,000 units

This sauce was pure capsaicin at 16,000,000 units

That makes this sauce 46 times as hot as a straight habenero pepper

In 8 months and 300 attempts, only 30 or so people have completed the challenge.  5 women have attempted and 4 were successful.  (UPDATED 11/05)

In 300 attempts, only 6 that ate a substantial number have not puked at Foghorns. Of those 6, only 3 have not puked after leaving.  I am one of those 3, Joe is not. (UPDATED 11/05) 

I didnt think Id have a problem the night of.  I figured the 2nd pain would come the day after.  Unfortunately, I was up all night with honest to goodness chest pains.  I guess my body was fighting the good fight.  Now Im just sitting here, uneasy in the stomach, drinking a Diet Dr. Pepper that tastes like water, counting down the time until my friend john down the hall screams my name again.  When he does, Ill run to him praying that I dont get steam burns when the bad begins.  

Keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

-JSB