Apparently I Have A Death Wish

I know everyone has, at the very least, a passing interest in the weather.  It pretty much affects everyone, so everyone at least has some fleeting concerns over the weather. 

This time of year, my brethren here in the South and those of you in the mid-west likely have a slightly heightened level of interest in the weather.  But me, I am fascinated with and by the weather.  The whole predicting it and understanding the forces behind it, not so much.  I am really just fascinated with tornadoes. 

In reality, fascinated is not nearly a strong enough word.  There have been many many times in my life I have considered a change in professions.  In college and for a few years after college I was a trained spotter.  Why I didn't go into meteorology, I'll never know.

This time of year I get all giddy with anticipation.  According to weather.com, Tornado Alley now officially encompasses western Kentucky, where I live.  In 2006 more tornadoes touched down in Tennessee than any other state.  Also, there were 69 fatalities from tornadoes in 2006, 34 of those in Tennessee.  According to all of the weather websites I regularly troll, Tornado Alley has moved east.  Tornadoes are now more likely to occur in a swath that stretches from Owensboro, KY south the Birmingham, AL and west to Springfield, MO and from there south to the Hot Springs, AR area.  I now live in Tornado Alley!  My home town of Henderson, TN is now dead in the center of Tornado Alley!  And this excites me...

I can not explain to all of you just how much this excites me.  It really isn't a morbid curiosity or an enjoyment of the death and destruction (I obviously hate that part).  I just find tornadoes beyond fascinating.  When there is news about one touching down, I watch all the coverage I can.  Storm Chasers on the Discovery Channel!!!  The best show on TV!!!

Where this fascination comes from, I am not 100% sure.  When I was 7 I watched out my grandparents front window as a tornado dropped down out of the sky onto their neighbors house and literally exploded it.  As my parents and extended family were all scrambling to get into the basement, I walked out on to the front porch to watch as it barreled down the street turning a quiet Kentucky subdivision into a war zone.  (And yes, I got the beating of my life for this.)  That really wasn't the beginning of the fascination, I don't think.  Maybe so, but who knows.  That is just my first real memory of witnessing the power of this weather phenomenon.

I won't recount all the tornadoes I have been through or watched from a distance (21 total, if you must know), save the most recent.

In July of last year, my wife and I were visiting her mother in Arkansas.  It was Sunday and time to head home to Kentucky.  I, of course, had been keeping an eye on the weather, and this day was supposed to be one of those days.  A "massive tornado outbreak".  I was secretly ecstatic.  We debated as to whether or not we should skip church to go ahead and get on the road and get ahead of it, but decided, according to all the info I could consume, that if we went to church we would still get away in time to stay ahead of it.  [I most certainly have a very real fascination with tornadoes.  But, I am not about to put my wife's life in danger so I can get my rocks off on the weather.]  But, what I, and the forecasters, didn't know, was that the system would pick up some serious steam as we were at church, and even more as we were driving home that afternoon. 

So we get out of church, head to the house to change clothes, eat lunch, and then get on the road.  I felt confident enough about what the forecasters were saying, as well as from what I was seeing in the sky, to not rush too much, and for that matter, to not even bother turning on the TV to check what the forecasters were saying.  That, was a big mistake.

We got away that afternoon by 1:00.  The town my wife is from, Mountain Home, has a very fitting name.  It sits in a valley in the Ozarks.  When speaking of the weather, this is good for them as tornadoes generally hop over a large part of the town.  But when speaking of trying to keep an eye on the weather, this is bad.  We get on the road and the wifey jabbers on and on about wishing she could see her mom more often, bla bla bla.  We talk back and forth for about an hour and a half or so, until we have gotten on out of the Ozarks and I can now see what is coming up behind us in the sky. 

I expressed my concerns to my wife, and she immediately calls her mom to check on her....... no answer.  Cell phone?  No answer.  She calls her grandmother who lives about 5 miles from her mom... no answer.  I turn on the radio, kill the XM and frantically try to find a local station that is talking about the weather.  I finally find one and the DJ is frantic.  He is literally screaming over the radio.  Gassville (about 15 minutes from Mountain Home) has been hit!  "Sharp County YOU ARE UNDER THE GUN!!!!!"  Oh crap!  We just rolled through Sharp County!  The wifey's mom calls back.  She and grandma are fine.  The power is out, but no damage near either of them.  She, of course, is concerned about us being on the road.  But, I express to the wifey, and her, that we should be ok as it is extremely unusual for a storm front or system to ever move much fast than 60 MPH and that I am keeping us moving at around 75. 

As I explain this to them, two things keep going through my head.  1) We are not moving in a straight line and the storm is.  2) we are going to run out of gas before we can either get home or get anywhere near being away from this storm.

The wifey hangs up with her mom and we turn the radio back on.  Over the course of the next 45 minutes we listen in complete awe and fear as the DJ announces town after town that is being hit by this monstrosity of a storm.  As I listen to this I get increasingly excited and scared at the same time.  Every single town the DJ calls out as having been hit is the town we have just rolled through.  But, he is calling them out faster than we can get through them.  I also begin to notice that the Tornado Warnings are now no longer coming up after we pass through a town, but before we get to it. 

We get to Pocahantus, AR and have no choice but to get gas.  Thankfully, the wifey's brother's mother-in-law lives in this town and we know for a fact that she has a storm shelter.  But, we don't have enough gas to get through town to her house.  So we roll into town and decide to stop at Wal Mart to get enough gas just to get us to her house.

About 10 minutes before we get into town, the DJ starts screaming about a Tornado Warning for all three counties near Pocahantus as well as the county it is in.  Oh boy.  Here we go.  I stomp on the gas and come flying into the Wal Mart parking lot.  I jump out to get the gas and notice how warm it is.  An not only that, how calm and peaceful it is (outside of the blaring tornado sirens).  Dadgummit!  NOT GOOD!

I put $5 in (isn't it amazing that only a year ago this got us a little more than 2 gallons of gas!) and am putting the gas cap back when I hear something crash.  I spin to look at the road next to the parking lot full expecting to see the aftermath of a car crash, but there's nothing.  I look around and notice everyone else heard this, but they can't figure out where it came from either.  I hear again, and then again.  The wifey has gotten out of the car at this point as well, trying to figure what in the world is going on. 

I generally don't cuss.  Don't see any real point in it and it tends to offend some people.  So I just refrain.  But at this point I let out a roar of an "OH SHIT!" "GET IN THE FUCKIN CAR!!!".

That crashing sound?  Hail hitting the tin awning over the gas pumps and some of the cars in the parking lot.  But this was not your ordinary hail.  I fly out of the parking lot out onto the road heading as fast as I can to that storm shelter.  As we get out on to the road we see an oncoming car screech to a halt in the middle of an intersection.  Initially it looked as if he did this for no reason.  But once we got closer we could see his windshield was completely busted out.  That's when I finally noticed the size of the hail coming down.  At first it was nickel and dime size and was coming down pretty heavy.  But then it changed.  Not nearly as much coming down.  But this stuff was baseball size and bigger!  Huge chunks of ice coming down.  Absolutely ridiculous.

I am now in complete and total freak out mode.  It's at least 4 miles to the storm shelter.  I know better than to go into Wal Mart as I have already ridden out one tornado in a Wal Mart and that is not a very good place to be.  Too much flying debris. 

I look at my wife, who has both dogs in her lap whining and crying, and I say, "We'll be fine.  It probably won't even touch down."  Terribly unconvincing.  She busts out crying.
The adrenaline continues to pump as I maneuver us to the edge of town and head for the sweet storm shelter. 

I'm sure most of you have never been to Pocahantus.  It is a strange town in that it very abruptly ends as you drive down the main highway out of town to the East.  There is a gas station on each side of the road, then a local small car dealership on one side of the road and a Holiday Inn Express on the other side of the road, then the town just ends.  Nothing but rice fields for another 2 miles as you head down the road. 

As we got to the Holiday Inn, I begin to look up in the sky since I now have a clear view.  I look off to the South, then behind us to the West.  Nothing.  Then I look to the North.  OH NO!    NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!  God help us!  OH NO!  There to the North not a half a mile away sits a HUGE wall cloud.  I look at the wifey and say, "That doesn't look very good."  I'm as calm as I can be as I say this, but I think she could read what was going through my head. 

Decision Time...  Turn around or make a run for the storm shelter?  I decide to make a run for the storm shelter and punch the gas.  55, 60, 65, 70, 75, 80, 85 MPH  That little Honda Element was giving me all she had.  But it wasn't enough.  I look back to the sky. 

I can very easily describe what I saw at this point.  But, words do not do it justice.  At first it was the typical funnel cloud.  What a great name that is.  It looks just like a funnel dropping out of the clouds.  Then it starts to grow a tail.  But this one had no ordinary tail.  Going back through the aftermath proved this tail to be over 500 yards wide.  It was a tornado!  Dropping right next to us.  Literally.

I slam on the brakes.  I guess that is just instinct when you see something like that.  At that point I wasn't really sure what my best option would be.  Turn around?  Keep on moving?  Hit the ditch and pray?  What I did next was both quite hilarious, and then one of the smartest things I have ever done.  First, I turned on my blinker.  WTF?!?  I am running from a tornado and I turned on my blinker!  I then pull a U-turn in the middle of this 4-lane highway and make a mad dash for that Holiday Inn. 

As I turn around, there are 4 vehicles just behind us.  The one directly behind me is a mini-van.  Followed by two Ford trucks.  The mini-van apparently saw the tornado soon after me and did the exact same thing, minus using the blinker.  Apparently the two people driving the trucks had yet to notice the tornado and were also distracted by the crazy people pulling a u-turn in the middle of the highway. 

I punch the gas and am screaming in my head for that little 4 cylinder to give me all it has.  At this point I look at the wifey's window and watch as it touches down in the field.  Still can tell which way it is going to go.  No point in worrying about that now.  JUST GET TO SHELTER!  I keep one eye on it and one eye on the road.  I scream at Amy to get the leashes on the dogs so we can make a run for the hotel if we get there in time.  Poor Amy.  She has freaked out at this point.  She doesn't move.  She is squeezing the life out of those poor dogs and has her eyes shut as tight as she can.  I finally get her attention and she gets the leashes on the dogs. 

I look back at the tornado and it seems to be just sitting in the same spot.  Give me a sign!  Please!  Which way are you going?!?  It moves!  OH CRAP!  Right toward us!  Another u-turn?  No NO!  Just keep going!  At this point the tornado starts making an absolute dead on line for the highway.  500 yards away.  Hotel is probably half a mile away.  400 yards away.  Is it making a move for the hotel now?!?  300 yards away.  I have never heard a continuous scream of tires like I did as we, and 3 other vehicles, fly into that hotel parking lot at the same time.

I grab the leash to my dog.  Amy carries hers.  RUN!!!!  The wind was ridiculous.  People screaming as they run for the hotel.  I look up at the sky to get an idea of where it is going since the hotel now blocks my view of where it is on the ground.  Too big.  No hints.  SHIT!!!  As we run for the hotel I take it a little slow.  "What the hell are you doing?", Amy screams at me.   I want to see it.  I have to see it! 

We get to the front doors and I notice the leash I am holding is tight.  Why won't my dog keep up with me?  She is both very intelligent for a dog, and, being a dog, instinctual to want to get out of harms way.  She should be in front of me, not behind me.  I turn around to see what she is doing and the gravity of the situation hits me.  My dog is flying in the air like a kite trying to take off!  I yank on the leash and her little legs finally touch the ground.  We get to the doors. 

We are the last ones in.  The front desk clerk is down the hall screaming at us as well as the family that was in the minivan to get down the hall to him to get in the bathrooms.  But I can't.  I have to get a look at it.  I have to watch it.  Even if it means I am watching it plow right into the hotel I am standing in.

At this point the power is already out and that train engine roar of the winds is at full tilt.  I give Amy the dog and tell her to run to the bathroom.  She gives me "that look".  I follow her towards the bathroom as the decibels increase and the hotel begins to shake.  I turn and look out the glass doors.  Nothing.  Pitch black.  Another "OH SHIT!" moment. 

I never made it to the bathrooms in the hotel.  We got just to the door and the noise started to die down.  Before I could say anything, Amy gave the "Go ahead you idiot" look.  I run back outside to watch.

If you've never watched a tornado in person, I can not begin to describe what I saw to you.  Houses explode like they are full of C4.  Trees are flying through the air like a quiver full of arrows shot all at once.  And I watch.  Wind still whipping and hail still falling as "The Finger of God" is a mere 500 yards away and ripping through a field.  Turning irrigation systems into twist ties.  Utterly and completely amazing.

And I want to see more.  I want to get that close again.  This time without Amy with me.

Tomorrow is supposed to be another one of "those days" here.  I can not wait.  I sincerely hope and pray no one is greatly affected by what is coming.  But, if it is going to happen, I want to witness it.  Even with all my personal experiences.  Family and friends greatly affected by it.  I am still fascinated by it.