Dear Aggy

With my previous post, I discussed the failure of my marriage. This one will outline what Im taking away from the relationship. Whamolla stated his reservations regarding his upcoming (impending just sounded like doom, so I chose another word) wedding in a comment responding to my post. And because of my recent failure, I find myself in the perfect place to start giving marital advice. My advice to you, Wham, and to myself :

1. Communication is key. This is the no-brainer of the lessons learned, but one that cant be stressed enough. All other lessons tie into this one. I found out at the end of my marriage that my wife was (is) afraid to talk to me in regards to criticism, anger or frustration for fear of hurting my feelings. Without knowing that I was pissing her off or hurting her feelings, I couldnt do anything to help solve the problem. Instead of dealing with our issues, we instead built up resentment and anger. A small, easily resolved issue becomes the very death of your relationship. Also remember to watch what you say and when you say it. Hurtful words can be apologized for countless times, but they echo eternal. Dont ever let your mouth go faster than your brain.

2. Be friends. When my wife and I lived together in a place where all we had was the other, we didnt do anything alone. We had more fun than Id had in most of my years up until Id met her. We did everything together. Best of friends. When her social life expanded, she had more options. I wasnt really a big fan of her friends (not that I didnt like them, I just didnt have a whole lot in common with them), so she went out on her own more and more. As I stated in my previous post, we didnt prioritize one another.  We eventually did less and less together. The only nights we ended up hanging out were to watch a favorite show on TV or to eat dinner. Not a great foundation for a relationship.

3. Have similar goals. Im not a big drinker (though I can tie one on from time to time), and Im an avid non-smoker, so bars arent really for me.  Ive lived through the party phase of my life, and Im ready to settle down, be kind of a homebody. Not a hermit or recluse, but just comfortable being at home. On the other hand, my wife is in the prime of her party life. That would be fine if I was at the same point in my life, but Im not. Its like going to a party and being the only sober guy there.  A couple times per week. Not the best time. To me, I was a babysitter. To her, I was a party pooper. Smoking is a big enough issue for me to draw the line. I did. Smoking and drinks won. Btw, this lesson goes double for folks with kids.

4. Compromise. People are different in many, many ways. Having been single most of my adult life, I have my own routine and habits. My wife has hers. The way that we dealt with our differences was similar to our friendship. We worked around each other instead of with one another. We didnt make our needs and expectations clear, so it was just another itch that needed to be scratched. Both of the folks involved need to give and take, and the amount that you each conceed should be equal.

5. Remember that relationships are work. Like anything else, its going to take time and effort. The more you put into it, the more youll get out of it.

6. Be honest. I dont know how this is #6 instead of number one or two, but at least I remembered to put it in. Too lazy to cut and paste it higher up in the list... Be honest with each other and yourselves.

7. Remeber why you got married. At some point, the marriage seemed like a great idea. Why? What made you happy? How do you keep it? Know why you love your spouse and always value what you have.

Thats more than enough wisdom for one night. Take it with a grain of salt, but it all would have helped me if I kept those things in mind over the past two years or if someone would have talked to me about them when we first set out to share our lives.

Lastly, Id like to address DeepNNNs comment about WoW. It has taken over my gaming life for sure. The problems with my marriage started shortly after we moved into a house close to my wifes family and friends, which was only a month or two in. I agree that MMOs can be unhealthy for good relationships.  When I started playing last October, our relationship was already a fair distance from being good. WoW and the friends I see online regularly have helped me keep plugging along at a stressful and sad period of my life. Much like the community here on the site and friends on XBL, WoW is good in moderation.