What the doctor doesn't know can't kill me. i think...

i've had two flare ups in the past few months. This one i'm in now...it's BAD. The worst i've had since well before i started the 'new, big, scary' chemo. i'm in too much pain to function. i'm too exhausted to think clearly.  My brother is coming home from Hawaii for a little over a week. He's only coming home once this year. i refuse to spend that week curled up on the couch crying, and unable to do something as simple as go to lunch with him. I REFUSE! And so...i cheated.

i raised my 'regular' chemo without asking the doctor. And i increased the Prednisone, which my doctor has NO idea im taking again. i have an appointment with my doctor next week and i may just continue the charade and 'forget' to tell him about my self medicating. Because that's the same day my brother comes to spend a few days at my house.

My mother has had Lupus since i was a kid, and in some ways she's a great influence. The whole 'do not sit around and feel sorry for yourself for more than one day' rule she instilled in me was a great one. But she's a self medicator from way back. Her advice is always the same: do what makes you feel better and able to function, and deal with your doctor's anger later. So that's what i'm doing.

It's still amazing to me that there is a huge difference in how i feel, between 5mg and 7mg of prednisone . You'd think two small mgs wouldn't mean a damn thing. But they do. Trust me. i'm already feeling a little less pain and i'm DEFINITELY feeling in better spirits!

I do understand the risks of both medications. But i also have to LIVE. i have to FUNCTION. i cannot tolerate spending all of my time simply moving from the bed to the couch. i can't go night after night with no sleep, because of the pain. i'm willing to risk the side effects, and my doctor's wrath, for a week and a few days of feeing a little better.