2old2play

Here's the gamer's guide to getting your spouse to not only allow you your gaming habit, but to join in the carnage with you. TDrag's here to help with a step-by-step plan and quality advice on how to avoid typical gaming couple schisms.

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“My husband started playing World of Warcraft, or whatever, and he WON’T stop playing,” she said.

“You know you only have 2 choices now right? Find your own hobby, or join him,” I replied.

This holiday season countless wives (or husbands) will need this advice when their loved ones unwrap an addictive new game or shiny console. Fortunately for significant others fretting being ignored and enduring one-word conversations, there couldn’t be a better year for gaming couples.

Cooperative FTW!

Developers figured it out. Marketers are whoring it out. Strangers on the internet are convenient, but playing with your friends is fulfilling. Even 2o2p is born out of desire to connect with real people instead of playing with an endless line of strangers. But what about playing with your best friend – your husband, wife, girlfriend, or boyfriend?

When Dean and I first started dating, he convinced me to sell my Playstation and all of its games. He bought me an Xbox for Christmas and I bought Halo and a spare controller with my store credit. We sat in my living room and played the campaign on split-screen until 4 am. I’ll spare the mushiness and nerdiness, but it was a fun night neither of us will forget. This year, even more developers are offering cooperative game types to quench the desire to play together.

"But TDrag, what if my spouse doesn’t play?"

Lucky for you, I think gaming couples kick ass, so I’m here to help. If your spouse is a male, follow these steps exactly:

Step 1: Buy him an Xbox 360 for Christmas.

Mission accomplished.

If your spouse is female, this might take a little more effort. But I have some steps for you, too.

First off, there is no such thing as the perfect guide to get your wife or girlfriend to play games. Strategy guides give us specific instructions that lead to predictable results and understanding. Women, as a whole, cannot be understood. You might be able to understand YOUR wife or YOUR girlfriend someday. But when that magic happens you’ll probably be concentrating on not shitting your pants rather than killtaculars.

In the absence of the perfect guide, I can offer a pathway that just might lead to gaming couple bliss one day. It’s your job to cater these tips to your special missus for best results.

Step 1: Are you pissed because your wife makes fun of your childish habit, how obsessed you are, and how much time spend playing games? So what? Let it go. A lot of men have the perfectly logical reaction of attacking her boring hobbies when theirs are attacked. You cite evidenced-based arguments that games are somehow better than American Idol, knitting, and painting the living room for the eighth time. “Even surgeons get better from playing games!”

That’s fine if you want to be dragged to the mall Saturday morning to pick out appliqués for her cousin’s-best-friend’s-sister’s-wedding-picture-scrap-book. But you don’t. Something must give and it’s in your best interest to make it you. If you dream of co-op Halo bliss, she needs to respect the hobby first and foremost. Teach her to respect your hobbies by respecting hers. It’s so nice that she has a creative outlet in her snowman salt and pepper shaker painting hobby isn’t it? Of course you don’t mind that she’s reading the Twilight saga a third time and it’s the fourth night you’ve ordered pizza because of it.

And if she moans about you spending “sixty more dollars on a toy,” concede and agree that games are toys, but they’re fun! Don’t allow arguments to ensue over gaming. Lose the battle to win the war. This might be hard for competitive gamers to swallow. But if your wife has a soul she will start to feel bad for belittling your habits when you’re being so supportive about hers.

Step 2: Save your uber-nerdiness for 2o2p. Don’t tell your wife how moving it was when you chose the needs of the few in Fable II. Save the philosophy behind your decision to harvest the little sisters. Don’t share your analysis of H2 BR Spread vs. H3. Understand that your wife sees a lot of garbage on TV and in magazines about us crazy gamers and none of it is good. We kill babies for Odin’s sake!

My friend with the new WoW husband told me “I don’t care how much he plays as long as he’s not [masturbating hand gesture] to the game.” She was serious. Gaming for many wives is unfamiliar, scary territory. You don’t want to come off as a perverted douche whowanks it to Lara Croft. Mrs. Gamer needs to understand that gaming is a healthy habit perfectly suited for well-adjusted, upstanding citizens. Perception is truth and there are decades of stereotypes to break down. Understand where she’s coming from as an outsider.

Step 3: Get her involved in any minimal way possible. Let her name your band in Guitar Hero (even if she comes up with something stupid). Ask for her opinions customizing your XBL avatar (even if you think they’re childish, piece-of-shit-Mii-knock-offs). Sit together and create a gamertag or PSN account for her in case she ever wants to play. Ask her to spot collectibles in the environment of your current game. Just make sure you consider her interests and personality when you involve her. Abstain from “hey honey, which service should I get from the hooker in GTA?” ...Unless she would find that funny.

Step 4: Go for a game. Does she like Solitaire, Crosswords, or another traditional game that is on PSN or XLBA? Perhaps while she’s reading the latest issue of Redbook, you are downstairs pondering a six-letter word for “recollection” in Coffeetime Crosswords. Will she help you? Will she help you do another one? Does she want to try it herself? Repeat this step as necessary to build good gaming vibes.

Step 5: Support her early gaming success/interest. If your efforts are going well you can expect positive reactions to gaming to start trickling in. Your response to her reaction is critical. Believe it or not, women are stubborn and have egos that need to be stroked, just like your own. This is not the time to flare your feathers and puff out your chest about how right you were about gaming. Allow her to respond positively without feeling the need to defend a “told you so” or risk back-tracking. Here are examples to help guide your response:

Her: “That was fun. It’s cool how they made a crosswords game on here. I thought you only played those games where you kill aliens and stuff."

Wrong Response
“See, I told you that gaming is fun and that there’s something for everyone. It’s so much better than blah, blah, blah”

Correct Response
"I had fun too. Maybe we can play another one later this week."

Step 6: Once you’ve started to change her perceptions on gaming and introduced her to casual games, it’s time to start building her experience and gaming confidence. Go slowly, and be aware she may stall permanently at any level. If you get her to game in any capacity, it’s still a win. Don’t be disappointed if she never progresses past playing Bejeweled. And above all, be patient. Allow her to guide when she needs help and when she wants to struggle through a level “the wrong way.” I often tell my husband he’s only my video game coach when I hire him. It might be frustrating to sit silent with well-intentioned feedback, but you must resist the urge to back-seat play to avoid being perceived as critical.

Once you’re ready to be her supportive comrade, think about an appropriate gaming road-map. If you shove her into Halo 3 matchmaking too soon, expect her to run and scream. When thinking of a road map suitable for your wife, consider her interests. It’s about introducing her to a hobby she can make her own. She might not ever play Rainbow Six Vegas with you, but you can always start playing Lego Batman with her and enjoy more Halo-time since she’s learned to appreciate your hobby.

Here is the TDrag suggested road-map to wifey gaming:

Soltrio Solitaire, Coffeetime Crosswords, Uno – Arcade titles translated from real world games she is probably already playing.

Braid, Zuma, Geometry Wars Evolved 2, Feeding Frenzy – More XBLA games that are a notch more complex and introduce reaction time.

Scene It, Wii Sports, Super Mario Kart, American Idol, DDR, Band games – Pure fun and perfect entries into a full retail game.

Any Lego game, Marvel Ultimate Alliance – Button mashers that take very little dual analogue skill, move toward three dimensions and are built around popular culture.

Kameo, Viva Pinata, Fable II, Oblivion – Games she can play on her own with attractive aesthetics, cuteness and humor that can’t be ignored. These games also introduce camera control.

Army of Two, Mercenaries 2, Crackdown, Halo 3, GoW 2 - The big guns all with cooperative play. Bust em’ out.

If she gets to this point you have turned your wife into a full-fledged gamer. Prepare her for the boob-obsessed 2old2play community, buy her a console of her own and prepare to do battle over the big TV on clan nights. And to kick-off some cooperative love, here are some holiday favorites of me and the man’s.

Left 4 Dead
There are several levels of difficulty, smooth gameplay, and fun achievements that require cooperation. Afterward, curl up and watch I am Legend to make it a zombie-themed night.

Gears of War 2
GoW2 is the perfect shooter for couples at different skill levels. Just don’t let your Dom drink-n-play or he might run out into open like a fricking commando to melee the “doggie things” leaving you to be the "revive bitch."

Rock Band 2 and Guitar Hero: World Tour
Dean won’t let me sing in the car, but he can’t deny my elite singing skills that put his tone-deaf-Bob-Dylan voice to shame. Unlike Gears of War 2, drinking is thoroughly encouraged while playing. It is Rock and Roll.

Scene It: Box Office Smash
You don’t need to be a movie buff to enjoy this hit. You can always go the cheater route and hit the big button for the lucky guess before the question is even asked.

Call of Duty: World at War
Competitive and cooperative campaign play that counts toward multiplayer rank adds to replay value. And like all the CoD titles, World at War keeps pace with ridiculous difficulty levels. A partner to take out the Nazi stronghold is well appreciated and you can even invite another gaming couple to join you for four-player action (of the gaming variety).

I wish everyone trying to get their spouse to game the best of luck. I hope your little lady or special guy is pwning your face by Valentine’s Day. If anyone has success with these steps or additional tips, share your story with me and I might just write about you next time. And guys, just remember that gaming is not the antidote to liking romantic comedies, needing a 7th pair of black shoes, or occasionally crying over a fat ass. (Just thought you should know.)

Happy Holidays.