2OLD2PLAY
Search

The Asparagus Battle...

M
MrwhiteII

I consider myself to relatively open-minded when it comes to food, especially fruits and vegetables. If nothing else, it's a job and lifestyle requirement. How can you tell someone they need to exercise and eat healthy to lose some weight if you happen to be a pot-bellied slob youself? But I digress...


For the past 3 months, I've tried to capture one of the few green vegetables whose taste has eluded me...The asparagus. A member of the Lily family, high in fiber, a good source of potassium as well as Vitamin C, it's low in sodium, and is free of fat and cholesterol. While all these things are quite wonderful, it also seems totally unfit for human consumption. In the battle of the palate, I've grilled it with chicken, sauteed extensively with mushrooms, lightly baked with salmon fillets and lime juice.....Don't try these. Trust me.


All of this leads to this evening. As a last resort, I decide to simply boil the wretched weed. After 10 minutes in a full roll, I extracted a a number of spears onto a plate, carefully avoiding the aroma and any possible premonitions it might impart to my sensibilities. Stabbing one of medium size, and engulfing it in a gnashing of teething, I tried to just get the thing down as expeditiously as possible. Not fast enough.


Mid-chew my neck started to tighten, and I started to sweat. Just swallow. Chew quicker. Don't think. Swallow. Swallow. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO IT.


...Having completed the task, I've now had a moment to realize a few things. One being that a pot of boiled asparagus smells as if you've stewed a great batch of rotted peas to the brink of burning. Second being the taste could only compare to that of a homeless man's ass.


Consider yourself lucky...someone warned you.

Comments (16)

W
wareaglebeene1·
I am so with you on this one. I even tried to give it another shot tonight also. It was in a vodka sauce and I still could not stand it. What a coincidence!
F
FreakMullet·
it prolly defeats the nutritional value of the vegetable, but asparagus is damn tasty dipped in melted butter. :D or maybe with try it with some melted cheese on top. :D
C
CofC·
I prefer homeless man's ass to asparagus. Dipped in butter with melted cheese of course. That's some good ass.
S
SamBrick·
The vile weed you refer to can be tasty, i swear :-)\r \r First of all, try steaming it rather than boiling it.\r \r Second of all cut off the thick and stiff end of each stem, you should be able to tell where to cut as its normally the point at which it starts to bend easier.\r \r Third, season with salt, pepper and either extra virgin olive oil or butter.\r \r Fourth, if the top 3 still dont help then cover in melted cheese so you can only taste cheese mmmmmmmm\r \r Good luck Mr White :-)
B
BATMANKM·
\r Dude I only have one question...well actually 2 but this first one is really the only one that matters. HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW WHAT A HOMELESS MANS ASS TASTES LIKE!!!!????!!!!!!!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: Now the second question is why the hell dont you have the ATeam listed in your Clan profile to the right???? We need represented brother! :-) Hey whether ya like asparagus or ever eat the vile shit again, Im just glad to see ya started up a Blog, hats off dude!!! - BAT ( oh and by the way, try sautéing the Asparagus in a fry pan with fresh garlic, olive oil, butter, and salt and pepper. One big warning however. If you do for some odd reason acquire a taste for the A-Stalk, be careful when you choose to indulge in it. When visiting the lady friend and expecting a night of romper room your gonna want to avoid Asparagus for at least 24-48 hours. Lets just say that your pee pee is not the only thing it makes stinky. :oops: :lol: )
I
Irion·
I love Asparagus man, try wrapping it in bacon. It's not healthy but tastes great. Like Bats said, it makes my pee smell strange too. Interestingly enough, thats genetic, not everyone's pee smells after eating it :lol:
A
Avril·
Speak for yo'self Bats!! White- great first blog, who knew asparagus could be entertaining?! One last question, why would you eat something you detest so much? Just eat some other green healthy veggie that won't make you think of that homeless mans ass you ate last month. BTW- I like asparagus, but that does not mean I would like homeless ass, right? Ooops wait...that was 2 questions, huh? Nevermind
L
LadyisRed·
mmmmmmmm... Asparagus and velveta....
D
Deman267·
Hollandaise my man.Hollandaise.
M
MrwhiteII·
Bat - The ATeam is not an available selection under your gamer profile Xbox clan. You can manually add it in under your profile to have it show in the forums though.
B
biorod·
Interesting blog. I normally just place asparagus on some aluminum foil, dump vegatable oil and salt on them, wrap them up, and toss them on the grill for about 5 minutes. Tastes good to me.
E
Em·
I lightly cook baby asparagus, then get virginia ham sliced medium, spread some cream cheese mixed with dijon mustard on the ham slices, roll the asparagus up in the ham and cut into bite size pieces for a kick ass yummy appetizer
B
BATMANKM·
Ok Ok first, Mr White you are so right, I dont know how you fix that Clan listing thing. If eating Asparagus tastes like eating a homeless mans ass, criticizing your Clan overlord for not having his Clan listed when your own still has OMM listed, is like Blowing A Homeless Man!!! A homeless Man that just ate Asparagus and has the genetic code for Asperugus Stink no less!! :lol: Needless to say, my regrets and i will set out today to figure this site functionality mystery pronto and perhaps by figuring it our and providing a solution i will feel slightly less like a big douche Bag. :lol: Second, Raste/Iron holy crap i did not know that!! So now I can feel \" genetically special\" in my stinkyness :lol: Of course my siblings have been telling me im \"genetically special\" since i was tiny, but some how i dont think they meant that in a positive way...more of a \"little yellow school buss\" way I'm guessing. :lol: Third, Sky/Avril, ok, ok so you like stinky sex, thats cool with me :lol: :lol: Im not surprised though, and i'll bet neither is your \"Cleaning lady\" :oops: :lol: :lol: Fourth, EM...CREAM CHEESE!!!??? Oh my gawd I think Im going to be sick.. :lol: Just bustin, to each his or her own. ( note to self when dinning with EM, pass on the appetizers, or be sure to bring barf bag :lol: ) Fifth, where the hell is Phlizzer and Ledbetter??!!! We need to beat those boys with some Asparagus and make em eat some homeless Man's Ass, for not contributing to this incredibly crucial debate!- BAT
L
Ledbetter·
I'm glad I was able to catch up with this prior to staring at a homeless ass and beginning to weep like a lil' baby... \r \r Let me chime in briefly... I think the only way I would ever contemplate asparagrass ( or however you spell that weed ) is if I was thoroughly saturated with way to many Sam Adams' and that pile of green terror was the LAST thing in my bachelor fridge. And, if this were the terrifying case, I would pray that there was at least a room temperature brewski to chase it down with.... \r \r thank you
C
Caesar·
lmfao nice, i actually like these grilled\r or in a pan with butter. although using butter\r ruins the healthiness
C
CrypticCat·
DEAD TO ASPERAGUS!!!!!!\r \r I'm so with you. The damn things are seriously inedible. I think it's a communist ploy to have us torture ourselves. Whoever decided to try and eat them first and then proclaim they're tasty should have been dragged outside and shot through the back of his head. There should be a jailsentence of at least five years for any speciality cook stupid enough to include asperagus on a set menu!\r \r Suffice to say I avoid the damn veggie like the plague. Give me a chance and I set fire to asperagus-fields and kill the farmer the fields belong to in a slow and horrible way.