Remembering, but in my own way

This Sunday we recognized the anniversary of the most tragic, horrifying event in American history.  For weeks leading up to it and especially the day of, the airwaves were full of documentaries, interviews, archived footage and all kinds of eulogies.  I avoided every second of it like the plague.

I have the utmost compassion and deepest regrets for those who lost their lives, their loved ones, their friends and acquaintances on that day.  I grieve right along with them.  I cannot find words to express my admiration and gratitude for those who rushed in to save others and ultimately wound up sacrificing themselves.  But I could not watch any of the memorials, recaps, or discussions of that day.

Its been 10 years but to me it seems like 10 minutes.  I do not need to be reminded of the events of that day because I still remember it all too well.  Like everyone else I remember where I was when it happened, what I was doing, how it was brought to my attention.  I watched in horror all morning as the events unfolded and it wasn't until about halfway through everything, as people were willingly jumping hundreds of feet to their death, that I realized I had been crying the whole time.

So when it came time to "remember", to relive all of those events again...I couldn't do it.  I refused to do it.  It doesn't make me a bad person.  It doesn't make callous, indifferent, or cold.  But I will always remember, just like the rest of you.  Just like everyone who was able to watch the tributes.  I don't know if this will ever change, if 20 years from now I'll be able to watch those events again.  I suspect that I still won't need to be reminded because I will never have forgotten.