Random Offensives

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate
yourself in the morning?" She said. "No. I hate myself now."

Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall. One turned to the other and said, "Hello."
The other one thought, "I wonder what he meant by that."




In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day
his neighbor pays him a visit and says: "So how is your strange business going?"
"What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well,
let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens
itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."

Halloween was almost over, and Mr. Green had less than 20 candies left. When the
doorbell rang, he thought he would give all the candies away. When he opened the
door, there were two trick or treaters. He wanted to give away the candies evenly,
but he noticed that when he divided the candies in two, there was one left over.
At that point, hesaw another trick or treater behind the first two. He tried to
divide the candies evenly among the three of them, but again one was left over.
Finally, another trick or treater came to his door, making it four trick or treaters
altogether. Mr. Green still had one candy left over after dividing the left over
candies in fours. How many candies did Mr. Green have left when the doorbell rang?
(answer at the bottom)

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his
mouth and nose still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surical procedure.
A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he
mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young
nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may
elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one
hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she
takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir." The man pulls
off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you v ery much.
That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.... Are - my - test - results -
back ?"

A Sailor met a good looking blonde at the bar and was trying to get laid without
much success."I don't date servicemen," she said, "but I am curious as to why you
sailors have those two rows of buttons on your pants." "Why, that's because we have
two dicks," the sailor replied. "Interesting, and probably twice as much fun,"
replied the blonde. "Let's go to my place and try them out." So they went to her flat,
and after the first screwing the blonde says, "Boy, that was sure nice. Now that
I'm rested and still horny, I want the other one." Whereupon the sailor undid the
other side of buttons, pulled out a limp, weary dick, looked at it and sadly
declared, "Well, I'll be damned! He's pouting because he wasn't FIRST!"

The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat. The friend grabbed a life
preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, "Can
you float alone?" "Obviously," the banker replied, "but this is a heck of a
time to talk business."

A man buys a hundred goldfish. There are so many of them that he decides to
keep them in his bathtub. One day the man invites his friend over to see all
his beautiful goldfish. The friend is impressed, and remarks, "They sure are
beautiful, but what do you do when you want to take a bath?" To which the man
replies, "I blindfold them."

This couple had been going out together for quite a while and was thinking
about getting married. They finally decided to spend a night in a motel to
see if they were sexually compatible. The next morning he dropped her off
at her apartment and he said, "So long Lucy." She sneers and responds,
"Well goodbye Shorty."

Tommy had reached school age. His mother managed with a blast of propaganda
to make him enthusiastic about the idea. She bought him lots of new clothes,
told him of the new friends he'd meet and so on. Came the first day, he eagerly
went off and came back home with a lot of glowing reports about school. Next
morning when she woke him up, he asked "What for?" She told him it was time
to get ready for school. "What? Again?" he asked.

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, "Do
you have Viagra?" "Yes," he answered. She asked, "Does it work?" "Absolutely,"
he answered. "Can you get it over the counter?" she asked. "I can if I take
two," he answered.

Answer:: The One Possible Answer here is 13.