Please Hear My Prayer

Date: 2006-11-09, 2:59PM CST

Dear Jesus,

I want to believe in you and your miraculous powers, I really do. I was raised in a devout Catholic home, and as long as I remember have been hearing about your divine nature and limitless compassion. You turned water into wine, healed lepers, and even raised the dead. I know you have boundless abilities. I also know that your compassion compels you to assist those who suffer, and to hear their agonized prayers.

I have been ceaselessly praying to you for over three years now Jesus, yet still my prayer remains unanswered. Please tell me: Why won’t you run over my co-worker Renee with an 18 ton cement truck? Every day is another eternity of listening to Renee talk about her mildly retarded, morbidly obese child and her husband’s swollen testicles and ass-boils. I am suffering beyond the point of endurance my Lord. Please make manifest your divine Love and Grace by sending a cement truck of mercy to squash Renee flat in all your love and wisdom.

Thank you in advance -

this is in or around Pency Prep
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To the women who work in my office... I hate you

Date: 2006-11-10, 4:56PM EST

Girl with the bright blonde weave who works in reception- I don’t know how you got your job, you are so uneducated it makes me sick. Did you graduate grammar school? I think I would respect you more if the answer to that is no. I want to throw a rock at your face every time I walk by when you are answering the phone and you say something like “who you callin’ for?” or “he in a meetin’ right now” or my personal favorite, “who this is?” I bet the people on the other end of the phone want to throw a rock at your face too. I also can’t stand when I get message notes from you that are written like so: Mr. Smith called hes wanting to kno wen he shuld ecspect the letter of aprovle. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? It amazes me that the only two things in your job description are answering phones and taking phone messages and you can’t do either of those things!

Tall girl in design with the short brown hair- You have horrendous body odor! I’m not talking a little stench here and there I am talking everyday when you walk into the building people drop dead. I don’t know how you don’t notice it. I’m going to buy you deodorant for Christmas.

Fat woman who works in suite 19- I don’t know exactly what you do for this company, but I know far too much about your personal life. When you talk to your boyfriend on company time, please refrain from telling him it felt so good when he slipped his hard dick into your fat ass! Yea I heard that, and so does everyone else that walks by your suite when you are on the phone. It’s disgusting, and we don’t want to hear about it, so keep your voice down.

Blonde woman who works for accounting- I know that you are 30, not 25 and I also know that at the Christmas party last year you had sex with the bosses son in the broom closet and that he got you pregnant. Please don’t insult me in front of our coworkers again or I will tell everyone.

Hot girl that works in sales- When you wear that brown skirt with the white flower on the bottom and you sit down, we can all see that you don’t wear panties.

Boss’ old receptionist- My name is not, John, Jason, Jack, Jim or Jared… it’s Evan.

Middle age woman who works in reception- Your job is not that hard. You answer phones, put people on hold, and take messages. I don’t care that you were up late cleaning the house or that you sat up all night waiting for you delinquent son to get home, that does not give you a reason to get rude with a customer or walk around bitching about how your job is so stressful. Half of us come in still drunk from the night before, but we never yell at clients, bitch about our family members or say our jobs are soooo hard.

Pregnant bitch- There is only one of you, so no need for further description but let it be known that you are not the first person to ever get knocked up! You are not the first person to get heart burn, you are not the first person to get morning sickness. You are not the first person to pee their pants because the baby put too much pressure on your bladder and you certainly are not the first person who has had strange cravings for cheese and anchovies. Stop complaining about it!

Little intern girl- You are so cute with your stringy brown hair, acne and braces but your coffee skills are lacking. All I ever want is a large black coffee but you seem to thing that I would rather a low-fat latte, or a caramel machiato, or even a Chai Tea. Nope I don't want those, I just want a damn black coffee! Also, you obviously don't know your alphabet because my filing cabinet is a mess. F does not come after R, sweetie. Do you want to flunk the class you are doing this internship for? No? You better shape your ass up and get me the right coffee then!

Pretty girl who is head of the writing department- You are the only girl who works in this office that I can stand. You greet me every morning with a bright smile and a cheery hello. And you are so damn smart. No wonder you are 22 and head of the department that could pretty much make or break our company. One time I asked you the Circumference of the earth and you kew it! Usually I would think that is weird and dork but from you, I find it really hot. I also like that you are the only girl in the company that hasn't slept with someone that works with us. But for the record, if you slept with me, I wouldn't respect you any less.

Hispanic girl who works in design- You wear way too much makeup, I hate that you draw your eyebrows on, and I'm pretty sure you have an adams apple and are a man.

35 year old secretary- You have a 20 year old son, and a 15 year old son... yet you dress like you are 16. I would be embarrassed to be your children. Oh and you look really stupid when you wear that plaid school-girl skirt with the white tights and hooker boots. This is an office... not a brothel.

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To My Sexually Satisfied Neighbour.

Date: 2006-10-30, 11:18AM PST

Dear Sexually Satisfied Neighbour:

I'd like to express my gratitude that your life has taken a turn for the better and you are once again getting some. You are in fact, getting a lot! After experiencing the not so gradual deterioration in your personal and domestic welfare, I'm grateful for the relief from the fallout of your depression following the split with your last boyfriend.

It was extremely sad that the break up coincided with the last hot spell. In your depression it seemed you were unable to dispose of your garbage appropriately, and took to leaving the bags on your balcony where they proceeded to ripen very nicely. The only thing, or in this case, things, preventing the crows from ripping into the bags was the sight of your two dog-sized cats, perched and waiting for the opportunity to pounce.

This brings me to another point of gratitude. Thank you for finally cleaning out your cats litter box!. Combined with the smell of ripe garbage, it was drifting into my window and in the heat of summer ... need I say more? I'm shocked your cats did not express their lack of appreciation and reward you with parcels in inappropriate places. Or did they?

It was more than a little shocking to see a hot and dazzling beautiful woman transform and lose her sheen and joie de vie! Don’t get me wrong, you look hot in Lululemon, but it should be freshly laundered Lulelemon. You can definitely do the no make up thing and look hotter than hot. But you do need to shower and wash your hair at the very least. I'm glad your depression is over and you are once again taking care of your self and have found some one who is also happy to take care of you. Evidently you and your new man are very compatible and he has no problem locating your g-spot for you are once again your beautiful glorious happy regular orgasmic self. Yeah for you!

It appears the new man in your life goes by the name of Oh Baby and that he like to hear you scream his name at least three times a night. I hope you and Oh Baby are happy for a long time as I much prefer to see a clean balcony with a few plants on it. I really like being able to open my window without having to test the air to see which direction the wind is blowing. I also like the fact the the crows are no longer circling the area trying to land on your balcony without falling prey to your massive cats

While I am glad you are once again being ecstatically fucked into blissdom, you may want to consider closing the windows to your bedroom. The vigorous thrusting and rutting is Olympic grade and the sessions are marathon. Really, I am truly glad for you. However, as I am not directly involved and it is a very regular occurrence, the titillation factor is rapidly diminishing. As our bedrooms are back to back, I have taken to sleeping on my couch in the living room so that there is more than a wall between the sound of your head board hitting the other side of said wall and my ears. Thank god I didn't cheap out and invested in a good couch Truly it is no hardship to sleep there, albeit alone.

I'm looking forward to the next month of night shifts as it means I will be able to once again sleep in my own bed without the lusty sound effects intruding on my zzzzz's and making me painfully aware of my current monkish state. I might even volunteer for a second month of nights in the hope that you and Oh Baby will have gotten past this wildly exuberant intoxicating infatuation phase to something less hectic, more heart based and designed for long term love. Don't get me wrong, I want you to continue having wild passionate sex: just something more conducive to living beside neighbours who are not deaf.

In the meantime, please continue to enjoy fucking Oh Baby's brains out It makes your skin glow and the spring in your step is delightful. It also provides some great visuals for my morning jerk off in the shower sessions.

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Please Hear My Prayer