My Mother-In-Law's Farts

I dont know what it is, maybe it has something to do with what she eats, but my mother-in-law has the deadliest farts ever! In the 7 years I've known her, I've yet to actually hear her drop the hammer but the smell is so distinct and rotten that she's guilty the second she lets one rip. The thing is, she rips cord with the best of them. At the dinner table, in line at Wal-Mart, Walgreens, Mervyns, it really doesn't matter. She has no preferences, it's green light no holds barred.

Every time she's confronted about it, she plays stupid, pretends like it's an accident or, she "cant control it." I'm not buying that. In fact, I'll even take it a step further. I honestly believe my mother-in-law uses her toxic fumes as a form of entertainment. I think she gets off on it. How else can you explain stopping by the deli counter every single time she goes to Wal-mart. My mother-in-law always farts @ Wal-Mart. It's automatic. There hasn't been one single time where I've been at Wal-Mart with her and she hasn't farted. And let me tell you something, may God have mercy on your soul if you are standing directly behind her when she drops the deli counter hammer on you! It's bad enough that she could light up about two thirds of the entire store, but if she cuts loose and you catch it head on, you better man up and go pick up a huge jar of tomato sauce and a World War 2 German gas mask. It just aint right.

I'm not even sure if the deli counter is to blame. She rolls through Wal-Mart eating up all the free samples of cheese like she's competing in the Olympics. She'll load up on donuts, bananas, cheese balls, orange juice, she'll even circle the store 2 or 3 times until they finally notice her. Then she'll go get in line and ultimately it'll take about a minute before she breaks wind but let me tell you something, thats when all hell breaks loose.

You have to understand, the fart is so rotten that you can't even pretend you don't notice it. It's unavoidable. It's like a human stink bomb. So of course everybody is standing in line wanting answers to the same question which is, "Who farted?" Everybody starts looking at each other like they are playing the board game Clue. This is actually my favorite part of going to Wal-Mart with my mother-in-law. She should get an Academy Award for every time she farts and then plays like she didn't do it. She'll start lookin' around, everybody else is looking at each other, it's basically like a game of Texas Hold 'Em. Some people even become animated and start pulling their shirts up over their noses. My mother-in-law just looks around like, "Oh dear, who farted?" She knows it's her! The least she can do is apologize.

The amazing part is her ability to get her gas high up in the jet stream. Her farts have an unbelievable carry to them. It definately runs in the family because my wife's farts seemingly have a 20 foot radius about them. My mother-in-law's farts are like a towering, majestic Barry Bonds home run ball that lands into McCovey Cove. The distance they cover is truly amazing.

Then there's my father-in-law who has his own defense mechanism. I call it, "Run For Your Life." The second he catches wind that his wife just cut the cheese, he makes a run for it! He'll be in the middle of a conversation and just bounce outta dodge. He's Carl Lewis' out the door as if he's being chased by this haunted, golden brown cloud. The funny part is the minute my mother-in-law farts, and my father-in-law makes a run for it, 9 times out of 10 he looks like the guy who did it! I try to tell him it looks like a drive-by crop dusting but he figures he looks guilty regardless.

It all came to a head this past summer in Colorado. We're boarding a plane to go back to Texas, and right when we take our seats the pilot comes on and says United Airlines is having some technical difficulty with the PCU unit or some shit. Oh, and the air conditioner doesn't work either. So we're sitting in this hot and humid airplane for an hour while they fix the problem, no air conditioning and the plane is jam packed with people. Real hot and stuffy. So what happens next? Of course my mother-in-law drops the hammer!

No, this wasn't the "deli counter blast" either. This was some straight up road kill-dead animal type shit. I mean it was straight up rotten times 10 with a touch of skunk. At first I thought the smell was some kind of Islamic militant nerve gas. Seriously, I thought it was the fuckin' Jihad! Plus, I saw a couple sketchy looking guys sitting in row 23. Then I realized it was my mother-in-law because she was silently giggling. Oh, I forgot to mention she giggles when she farts. She thinks it's funny.

So the whole plane just reeks of dead animal eggs, people are literally gagging, I heard the lady about 3 rows back say, "I can't take it anymore..." and believe me, she wasn't talking about the heat. I was sitting right next to her and I thought I was going to die.