Ho Ho Ho Random Offensives

Q. What do you call a polar bear wearing ear muffs?
A. Anything you want. He can't hear you.

In his new book, "Think Big and Kick Ass," Donald Trump advises readers: "When
somebody screws you, screw them back in spades." A rule that doesn't apply,
apparently, to his barber.

Q. Why don't roosters have hands?
A. Chickens don't have tits.

Two friends went to have lunch at the new Japanese restaurant down the street.
When they pulled on the door they found it was locked. "What? They're not open
for lunch?" one said incredulously. "I guess not," the other said pointing to
the sign that said: 'Crosed'.

Q. How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you look in the mirror?
A. The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.

A new medical facility with several different specialists opened in a trendy
part of the city. Wanting to be different and creative, the administration
decided that each doctor's office door would, in some way, be representative of
his practice. So, when construction was complete, the eye doctor's door had a
peep hole, the orthopaedist's door had a broken hinge, the psychiatrist's door
was painted all kinds of crazy colours, and the proctologist's door was left
open - just a crack.

At the urging of his doctor, John moved to Arizona. After settling in, he met a
neighbor who was also an older man. "Say, my doctor recommended I move here for
my health. Is this really a good place to live?" "It sure is," the man replied.
"When I first arrived here, I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my
head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted
out of bed." "That's wonderful!" said John. "How long have you been here?" "Oh,
I was born here."

One blonde was painting the ceiling as the other painted the room. "Got a good
grip on your brush?" asked the blonde. "Sure," said the other blonde. "Well,
hold on tight. I'm taking away the ladder."

A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children
walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?" The mother replied,
"Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head." The next baby walked up
and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied, "Because when you were
born, a rose fell on your head." The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS
CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY." The mother replied, "Please be quiet,
Fridge."

**********************************

Santa Claus needed a vacation. He decided to go to Texas because it was warm
and he had heard that the people were friendly. As soon as he arrived in town,
people began to point and say, "Look! The big red one! Isn't he someone famous?

Santa thought, "Gee, I'll never get any rest if people start asking to sit on
my lap and try to tell me things they want." So he decided to disguise himself.
He bought a cowboy outfit complete with cowboy boots and cowboy hat. "No one
will know me now, I look just like everyone else!" he thought happily.

As soon as Santa started walking down the street people began to point and say,
"Look! It's that famous Christmas personality!" Santa rushed around a corner to
hide.

"It's my beard!" he thought. "They recognize me because of my long white
beard!" So Santa went to a barbershop and had his beard shaved off. "I really
look like everybody else now!" Santa thought.

So he walked down the street with a big smile on his face. Suddenly a man
shouted, "It's him! It's him! Look everybody!"

Santa couldn't believe it. He was sure that no one would recognize him. So
Santa walked up to the man and said, "How did you recognize me?"

The man looked at Santa and said, "You? I don't know who the fuck you are, but
isn't that reindeer behind you, Rudolph?"