Guidance Counselors

Do you remember when your guidance counselor told you the importance of setting goals, or of making the things that you have to do anyways seem like something you want to do? Well, I am here to tell you that she was full of crap, and totally wrong.

For me, it all started three years ago. I had injured my back, and was in physical therapy. No matter what I did, I couldn’t get myself to do the stretches when I wasn’t at the clinic, and as my therapist said, it was “significantly lengthening my recovery time.” So I hit upon a solution. I always had a big unit anyways, and was fairly flexible before the accident, so I figured I could hasten my recovery at the same time as I was possibly obviating the need to ever leave my house again.

I went to a few yoga classes, but found they were not as “focused” as I desired. So I bought a few yoga books and practiced at home. You know what, I did recover faster. But I didn’t stop there. Within a year and a half I had reached my own goal, and I was damned proud.

I told a few of my female friends – they were disgusted without exception. Even the big-bull-penis-hating-dyke. Even the former friend with benefits (and current friend) who had complained about my insatiable need for head. They were all grossed out and very disapproving. I didn’t tell any of my male friends. Even though I was pretty sure it didn’t make me gay (most of the straight guys I know have been giving themselves hand-jobs since the age of 12) I didn’t really feel like subjecting myself to that level of scrutiny. Most of them found out anyways, and told me they were secretly envious.

Then a weird thing started happening. I’d date a girl for a couple months, and bring her to a party with lots of my friends. At some point I’d loose track of her, and she’d come back sometime later steaming. “Is it true you can blow yourself?!” she’d demand. I was worse than the guy who had had sex with a whore. (Which I’d been tempted to do many times, but never actually did, because I didn’t want to be the guy who had slept with a whore. In Amsterdam they are very clean, and will have sex with you for 50 euros. When the exchange rate is good, you can have a threesome for $90 – think of how many times you have spent $90 on a girl to have her never call you back….) It was as if they had realized that I was really self-sufficient and might never need them or their kind again.

I stopped bringing girls I dated to meet my friends, which drove a wedge between us. I’d spend many nights at home alone drinking. Which started a whole new set of problems. Ever woken up in the morning next to someone and think, “Did we … ?” Well, I can’t avoid waking up with myself each morning, and some days, after particularly bad benders I have to ask myself, “Did I blow myself last night?” Then I feel dirty and used. I took advantage of myself! Do you know how that feels?

So now I never get drunk, and hardly drink. I see my friends less than ever. It is all my guidance counselor’s fault. So if anyone knows where Mrs. Oakeson from NW High School in  Nebraska, (I was there from 87-90) lives, please tell me. I’d like her to come home one of these days to me, naked, on her bed, balls flopped on my forehead muttering, “mee wab move bun poo meee!”