Dear Mom

Mom,

I have to say "Thank You" a zillion times for not pointing out the fact that I had a gigantic 2 1/2 foot double dildo very visible on a shelf on my end table near my wife's an mines bed.

You came over to look at our setup in our new place - we walked into the bedroom and you sat down in the leather chair at my computer desk.

You looked towards the bed and my end table, and I just KNOW that you saw that two-headed monster sitting on that shelf as if to say "Hey world, lol, look at me I'm a giant rubber phallus!" because your face turned from an expression of "This new place looks really cute." to one of those faces you'd see an amateur poker player makes when he has a REALLY bad hand but doesn't want the other players to know that he's holding a stinker.

Yeah.

You saw it.

And I knew it.

Our eyes met each others, and my stomach sank and I thought "Oh holy fuck she's gonna start crying or wig out or WORST OF ALL point it out and have me explain myself."

She opened her mouth: "So, where do you feel like going for dinner?"

My heart exploded... not in relief, but in extreme love that she did not bring up the un-speakable.

She stood up and walked out of the room, and I followed. I swear I saw the double-donger wink at me.

Also, Mom, next time you come over I'll be replacing that toy with a Bible. A big fucking fat Bible.

Love,
Jay