Dear cat: Don't Disturb the Blinds When I'm Watching Porn

Dear cat,

The wife and kid are away for three weeks, and though I am a person of strong will, three weeks is simply too long to bear without working one out. I don’t expect you to understand this need as you no longer have your balls, but trust me when I say, I NEED to.

If you ever took the CAT SATs, you might have seen this example analogy:

Getting off : me :: licking your ass : you.

Having established that, I request of you: Please do not disturb the fucking blinds when I'm watching porn!

You’re a cat, not a dog, so don’t give me that puppy-eyed look. You know what you’re doing. As soon as I settle back in my chair with some hot chick doing all the things that my wife won’t, full-screen, you awaken from a dead sleep and run through the floor-to-ceiling blinds. I often shriek and my hard phallus, brilliantly backlit by the glow of the monitor, falls limp like a rhubarb stalk at the bottom of a Safeway bin. This wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have an entire row of apartments whose living room windows directly face me. For the love of my erection and reputation, or my love of my erection and reputation, keep on sleeping when I’m a’ jerkin.

I should have gotten a ferret.

Hugs and purrs,

Your owner.

P.S. And don’t stare at my balls. You give the same look to a string before you’re about to pounce on it. That frightens me.

• this is in or around my f__ing living room