Da Roundup!

CIA releases 'family jewels' of misconduct reports

That must be a relief to Mr. Conduct Report

One-eyed gator pulls golfer into pond

Cost of a Titlist golf ball: $2. 

Nearly getting your arm chewed off because you’re to cheap to say bye-bye to the one you put into a Florida pond: Priceless.

U.N.: Afghan opium output soars

Um…good?

Fetuses in garage lead to guilty plea

“Fetuses in a Garage” even worse movie idea than “Snakes on a Plane”

Shark pregnancy baffles aquarium

That’s what you get when aquarium health classes teach “abstinence-only” Sex Ed

'Wrestler Murdered Wife, Son, Then Killed Himself'

Suddenly, steroid abuse in baseball players seems like so much more foolish a thing to have Congressional hearings about.

Nancy Grace Secretly Married, Carrying Twins

This guy must have lost a bet with God. If Nancy were to have two children from the same man, they’d have to be twins. I don’t think anyone would stick it in her twice. 

Daughter Forced to Wear Sign of Misdeeds

Hehe…is it a scarlet sign?

Pope Change Rules for Papal Elections

Oh shit…I hope Dubya doesn’t get wind of this and get any ideas!

Bigfoot or Big Myth in Michigan?

This one is only included because it’s the #3 story running on FoxNes.com as of 2:06 PM EST today.

White House, Cheney's Office Subpoenaed

Again. It’s quite possible he may break Spiro Agnew’s record

Nicole Kidman Joins Super Mario as Face of Nintendo

Somehow making Tom Cruise seem the more sane one to emerge from their nuptial

Official: China to Tattoo 200 Pandas Before Release

Presence of panda “tramp-stamp” means they’re slutty

'Druid' goes on trial for murder

Prosecuter alleges she used a +4 Bow of Flames to barbecue cable repairman.