Attempting to cope

Thank you to those that left kind words from my last blog. I appreciate it and means a lot.

Last few days have been strange. I don't know that it's really sunk in. I am aware of it, obviously, but I don't really know that it's completely reached me that he's gone. I don't feel much and feel a bit empty. That being said, I feel bad knowing I shouldn't be feeling this way. My father-in-law and stepmother-in-law came in on Friday. They had originally planned to come for a while and I asked that they still come to visit. I figured a little bit of routine might help. I don't know if it has or not.

For those that don't know, I play in a lot of different musical groups. My main one is an orchestra where I play the lead trumpet part. Well the concert was scheduled for tonight with a dress rehearsal yesterday. I wasn't sure what to do about it. I felt I needed to be with my family, but at the same time, I've made a committment to play with the orchestra and my part is very important. When I was talking to my mom, she actually requested that I still go on with the concert and that she would actually feel worse if I didn't do it.

Most of my family is from up north in Massachusetts/Rhode Island. It's about a 13 hour trip. My parents or the rest of my family has told me that I do not need to be there for the funeral. I didn't want them to think I didn't want to be there, because I do. They've all said the same thing- if I lived closer, it would be one thing, but obviously don't. I think that is contributing to the odd feelings I'm having. We are sending a floral arrangement that is very pretty. Funeral is on Monday- they are having a casket but his body won't be there, they are just going to have his picture on it. They are spreading the ashes on Tuesday in the ocean- just like my other uncle.

The rehearsal yesterday was a mess. Getting there was a story in itself. The main road to get there was shut down (according to news, someone hit a light pole and all lanes were closed. So I had to re-route around which took about 15 mins more. On the way, there was another wreck on the re-route that took another 30 mins. It was a good thing I had left early, but still got there 30 mins late. We usually do a recording so they need all the parts there and had to redo some parts when I got there, which made me feel pretty bad. Recording sessions are not fun whatsoever. Any time the smallest sound happens (from a cough to someone turning a page), we have to start a section over. Then the missed notes, and it can take quite a while. Aside from the way I was feeling the frustration was making it very taxing. On the way home (1hr and 1/2 drive normally) there was another accident, this time on the highway. This one took almost 45 mins. A tractor trailer apparently lost its trailer- half was on left side, the cab was on the right.

Today was the concert. Traveling was much better. Concert went well. I dedicated my performance to my uncle. Thankfully I played good for him. It was a packed house and heard a lot of good feedback about it. Hopefully that will get more to come to next one.

Currently- very tired. Haven't slept too well. Been using video games as a method of keeping my mind busy.