In response to VULCAN's article, Jeepchick put together a handy list of her own - Nine Things to Do to Ensure Failure at an Event (but people seem to do anyways)
Stick to your game of choice. How embarrassing would it be if your Catan friends saw you going to a panel about FPSes? And make sure your schedule is not too packed. You don’t want to get overwhelmed and have to hurry anywhere. Find a room you like and camp out. The people will come to you, and probably have extra swag for you! There’s always a bunch of dudes walking around handing out buttons! You don’t have to do to their booth to get swag! It’s also important to schedule things for you and your group to do that will prevent anyone from wandering off on their own. Make sure they have to stick by you every minute.
Events are the perfect time to catch up on all that sleep you’ve missed staying up all night jacked up on YooHoo and Vodka playing Halo 2 with your BFF. Hotel beds make this so easy to accomplish. Simply put the “do not disturb” sign up, climb into that cloud-like, fluffy, massive marshmellow of love and get some much needed rest!
You don’t want to water down your online persona by meeting in real life. How will you explain the lack of a wicked scar across your neck or your diminutive height? Best to keep things online. If you happen to see someone you know, turn the other way. There are lots of crowds to get lost in. If someone calls out your name or gamertag, resist the urge to throw out a DUUUUUUDE! Just lay back, adopt an accent, and swear it isn’t you.
This causes you to need to pee, which would mean you would have to go to the bathroom, which means you have to give up your PRIME ogling location at the top of the escalator. This cannot happen. You’ll probably just drop your phone in the toilet again. So don’t drink anything during the day. And stay far, far away from energy drinks. They make your pee nuclear yellow and interfere with Number 2 (wait, which Number 2? This one or that one? – ed.)
You need to pack light to make room for all the cool swag you’re going to get. Buttons, T-shirts, that tissue that Frag Doll Cadet threw away… important stuff to add to your collection! So wear everything on the trip there. One undershirt, one pair of kick ass cargo pants from SunPac, and a button down (that has never been buttoned). Make sure you have your favorite flops too. This outfit can be changed to last the entire weekend! Dinner in the food court; make it fancy by tying the button up around your waist. Long line to the panel by those old gamer people? Your cargo pants can store the snacks and sustenance you got at the gas station across the street. All you need is the outfit you arrived with.
Airport security is tight these days. You don’t want to get pulled because some TSA agent is checking out your fine gamer gut and wants a piece. Don’t give them an excuse! Leave the shampoo, body wash and deodorant at home! The hotel stuff will probably give you a rash again, so don’t use that either. The best solution to a slightly Trogdoresque odor emanating from your body is SWAG T-Shirts! Not the ones you pay for. I mean the ones the smell like plastic that the Gunnar Booth Babes shot out of a cannon and hit you in the face with. The swag tshirt smell will mask it all ... and you’ll look cool cause everyone will know you got swag!
Keep to the perimeter of the large booths if you do happen to wander around. A lot of them have pretty ladies and super geeks whose sole purpose is to entice you into their Circle of Frivolity and have you make a fool of yourself. Don’t play any demos. Don’t spin the wheel. Whatever you do, DON”T GET ON STAGE. This might cut into your free swag, but even that sweet Prince of Persia toboggan is not worth your rendition of the Hustle going up on YouTube for all the world to see.
Mass commercialism is the bane of your existence, so know how to avoid paying a dime for anything. Pack several lunches; they’ll keep on the plane. Use water fountains. Go by the food court, get a “water cup” from BK and use that all week (lowest pocket right front on the cargo pants). You should not have to spend a single cent on food. You can also pick up all kinds of candy from bowls at booths. Don’t worry. Those bowls are usually perimeter only. Slap that Ninja Pro on and swipe a handful of Kit Kats to sustain you. The food court is your friend. It has all the same fast food delicacies you know from home! Chug down some Panda Express comfortably so you can get back to your lookout spot fast. Going across the street to a place you don’t know, in a town you don’t know, you might find yourself staring at a menu that might as well be written in Portuguese!
Lastly, you’re their number one fan, and you’re important. Make sure when you find the booth of your game of choice you launch into an EPIC tirade on all the faults of the game and how badly it makes you play. If they would just fix their game, your K/D would go up, you wouldn’t have lost that kick-ass loot, the world would be perfect! Tell them every little thing from the color of a mage’s skullcap, to the way a P90 should really shoot. It helps if you have written notes to refer to. You can also hand these off to them as a study guide for the next installment of the game.