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And Manly A Tight Knit Shop

Sun, 04/20/2014 - 02:46 — SarcasmoJones

Okay, so I have been putting a lot of gameplay vids on YouTube lately. Out of curiosity I checked the transcripts of some of the videos, and not only do they not match what I said, they're fucking hilarious. I don't know if my drawl is throwing off their word detector, but the transcript is not even close to what I said. I'll use my Titanfall video as an example:


See video


sir caspar Jones told find a comment


them plain cotton ball talk around it I'm not there yet


got number two to one and


doing Shack at back shooters


Reds game fat back shooter


parent times very


and manly a tight-knit shop


my you can get in it up acts




from john is a good and bad yes that's a good guy with a little red Holden


done and I know that's good yeah the air


enemy check that's a bad idea see the radical


disease I can get




publisher I L for whatever the other values


southern combat getting shot and a


back yeah and it made my okay


thank you ok sam za for


shop are know what's going on really GP-one know somebody that kills me


practice again of




back shooter




and it parent got killed anybody yet


but my I sacrifices been admiral


under somebody you star Mike Hill I did you do that






okay back she actuators I Highland show Anna


this time I'm gonna kill somebody


and eat at Thai for need any


protective armor the change in


missiles and a projection


alone out here a team answer by Shaikh earlier mercy


don't use it strangle but specter


thank you sir yes


go I can some granite yeah


taste the lead of the Titans ready


how yet at their bounce


make sure I get back shown on the right grant Hughes


gone package might act make the magic happen


the you cannot was the improved


lolol I just got its


orkut prepares doc Walker


large better than I am take that


home Ono these two nations


I got some Korea's that single-bullet back in your face


0 her last long


hours evacuation plan as convenient have made one yet but


heart attack realize how for an

 I use Twitter to discuss many different things: gaming, politics, and heavy metal. Okay, I use Twitter for three things. As a way to riase awareness about Twitter's birthday they released an app that allows you to find your very first tweet. Here's mine from March 11, 2010:

"What happened to Splinter Cell:Conviction? It was supposed to be here in February..."

I guess we know which comes first in the Jones house.


Tue, 03/04/2014 - 01:17 — SarcasmoJones

 This may be one of the few places on earth where you can place in the top 1% and still be slower than 5 of your fucking's a love/hate thing.

That Should Explain It

Thu, 02/20/2014 - 17:17 — SarcasmoJones

At least it would have if the picture hadn't fucked up. I reckon it's still a mystery.

A Few Facts About Me

Sun, 02/09/2014 - 21:09 — SarcasmoJones

I have 9500 unread e-mails...which I have no intention of reading.

The first full-length novel I ever read was The Shining...I was 10 at the time.

I hate R&B but I like rap.

I have an iTunes account but no iPod.

My favorite band is AC/DC.

One of my farts once caused a grown man to vomit.

I want to move to Seattle to get away from the oppressive heat and political climate of Texas.

I drive a Honda Civic...but I want to get a Leaf.

I Google myself at least once a week.

The proximity to a Taco Bell was the deciding factor in choosing an apartment in 1991.

Despite my addictive personality, I have been free of cigarettes since September.

I'm a caffeine abuser.

Whatever game you are currently playing I am better at it, unless you're playing an online which case, fuck you.

Favorite Gaming Moments of 2013

Fri, 01/17/2014 - 01:21 — SarcasmoJones

 Now that the GOTY article is live I thought I would share my favorite "moments" from 2013. Not necessarily the best games, just the most prominent WTF or "holy shit that was cool" moments from games I played this year.

Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon: Meet the Dragon. Coming to in a cave on an unfamiliar island, Rex Power Colt hesitates as he exits the cave, just as a blob of viscera drops in front of him. He looks up to see what made the mess and the Blood Dragon's big fucking head is hanging directly over the mouth of the cave finishing off his snack.

Bioshock Infinite: The first 5 minutes of the game is holy shit good, like visiting Rapture for the first time but at a higher altitude.

Forza 5: Prague in a Hennessey Venom. Pulling a clean lap with a Venom on a speed track like Le Mans can be difficult, but pulling a clean lap at Prague with that 1000+ horsepower ass-happy, straight-line monster was top-tier gaming nirvana for me...I'll understand if you don't understand.

See video

Tomb Raider: The battle for shantytown and the boss fight against the pottery samurai...good shit, amigo!

Fast and Furious: Showdown. Demanding my money back for a game that I rented...I won't forget that soon, and neither will the guy at the video store.

Metro: Last Light. Troglodyte surfing...catching a ride with that fisherman guy across the underground lake, only to find out that the Commies had already crossed and stirred those things into a frenzy. What the fuck were those things, anyway?

Ryse: Son of Rome. Storming the English beach while the Roman ships are being destroyed in the was D-Day with finishing moves and giant chains.

AC IV: Black Flag. I got to be a pirate...and I was fucking good at it.


Horns Up

Thu, 11/07/2013 - 13:30 — SarcasmoJones

XBox One Tour

Thu, 10/31/2013 - 18:45 — SarcasmoJones

The XBox One Tour finally made its official stop in North Texas, in Dallas' eclectic Deep Ellum area. They were passing out all sorts of prizes, shirts, and even an XBox One. I spent several hours there today and got a good taste of some next-gen gaming.

Forza 5: Turn 10 provided the tour with a single lap demo around Laguna Seca. I was able to drive the McLaren P1, Ferrari 599, Mercedes Gullwing, and the dorsal-finned Audi R1-class Indy Car. The physics are considerably different from Forza 4...I overshot turn 1 at Laguna, and I haven't done that since Forza 2. Grip drivers will have to alter their driving style a bit for the new game.

Battlefield 4: I shot some folks.

Dead Rising 3: The longest line at the event. An impressive urban environment with zombie-packed streets. I used shotgun claws, flamethrower, an electric oversized sledge hammer, and vehicles to no avail...I never ran out of zombies and they eventually got me. The right trigger throws whatever melee weapon you are armed with so watch for that.

FIFA: didn't play it because soccer is for friendless third graders.

Ryse: Played through a gladiator level in a colisseum...and it was the shit! The combat options are satisfyingly deep, with blocks, strikes, counters, and finishing moves. I was wise to preorder this one.

Kinect Sports: Played a Kinect version of Hydro Thunder...not sure if I like Kinect but the demo was solid fun. It was a jet ski course with mines in the water, jumps, sandbars, a sunken ship, and lots of rock and dock to run in to.

Peggle 2: Didn't play it...don't give a fuck.

Killer Instinct: Big line for this one also. Fast, responsive controls. Wasn't sure about the control scheme, but my son figured them out quickly and proceeded to hand my ass to me. There was talk of buying fighters a la carte from XBL.

Max: The Curse of Brotherhood: Reminded me a lot of Limbo. The child protagonist is armed with a pencil that can be used to interact with the environment. Kind of a side scrolly platformer play style.

Zoo Tycoon: Who gives a shit?

Crimson Dragon: Dragons are cool...but they control kind of weird, but you can barrel roll. Ammo is laidout mid-air like Sonic coins. Not really my thing...

Loco Cycle: An updated Road Rash concept with a cooler bike and more menacing antagonists. Protagonist was a south of the border type, so kudos to the dev for finally giving showing a little diversity.

Free Doritos and Mountain Dew and all kinds of giveaways...not a bad way to spend a Thursday afternoon. If you're in the Dallas area, it's on Commerce on the west side of Deep Ellum, right across from Twisted Root...go get a taste of what's coming.




Still A Fan

Tue, 10/29/2013 - 13:12 — SarcasmoJones
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