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See video

Happy Birthday, RJD!

Fri, 07/11/2014 - 09:06 — SarcasmoJones

Horns up!

Fuck Yeah!

Fri, 07/04/2014 - 20:21 — SarcasmoJones

  I just cracked open my first MGD, my shirt smells like mesquite smoke and freedom, and when I'm done eating this huge grilled porterhouse it's off to watch fireworks and masturbate to the Star Spangled Banner. It's how John Wayne woulda done it. Murica! Nuff said.

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Happy Birthday, America!

The Mystery of Little Lamplight

Sat, 05/31/2014 - 13:30 — SarcasmoJones

 Those of us who have played Fallout 3 are famaliar with the story of Little Lamplight. A grade school class was visiting the Lamplight Caverns, just outside DC, when the bombs fell. The caves were deep underground, which kept the children safe.  Fast forward a couple of hundred years and the caverns are still populated with only children: once a child turns sixteen he, or she, is exiled to Big Town. Where are these children coming from? Are these kids procreating in the caves? They're far too distrustful of strangers to recruit. I bet that little shit MacCready knows, but he ain't talking. Dirty, little shits.

 

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Roadside Bug Out

Mon, 05/26/2014 - 01:03 — SarcasmoJones

Okay, so folks are doing a lot of traveling this weekend: grilling at the lake, drinking a shitload of beer and puking on the beanbag chair in the motel room, and eating at roadside drive in type diner places. A couple of years ago, I drove from my home in Fort Worth, Tx to Chicago for the LAN. Somewhere along the way, it may have been St Louis, we stopped at a truck stop to get some food and enjoy a few minutes of being out of the car. I went into the bathroom stall and there was a dead cockroach in the toilet.. Now the rational mind would likely draw the conclusion that the cockroach was a former resident of the truck stop, it went for a swim without waiting the prerequisite thirty minutes after eating, and drowned in the bowl.  I, however, have come to a second possible explanation: the roach crawled out of somebody's butt and they intentionally left it there. Imagine, if you will, that there is a man walking around St Louis, desperately and with an iron will, clinching his sphincter tightly so cockroaches don't pour out of his butt and scare the locals, only to relieve himself occasionally at designated truck stop restrooms, leaving only one roach in the bowl to mark his passage. Disturbing, I know, but not nearly as disturbing as a diner infested with roaches, or a diner with food so unhealthy that it kills cockroaches who are able to survive nuclear fallout. So the next time you're eating on the road, demand to see the diner's clean bill of health, examine the restrooms, and demand rectal exams for every diner patron. You don't want to end up eating with a bunch of weirdos. Have a happy and safe Memorial Day.

Such Ingratitude

Sun, 05/04/2014 - 20:01 — SarcasmoJones

 Once a month, usually on Saturday, I take my Basset, Mack, to the Paw Spa to get his nails clipped. I got Mack from the North Texas Basset Rescue people, and he is afflicted with a severe case of separation anxiety. Anyway, the fucking Paw Spa doesn't accept credit cards, so I stopped off at the 7-11 to hit the ATM and grab a Big Gulp...they were on sale for 69 cents. While I was in the store, Mack freaks the fuck out and urinates in my cup holder...so I set my drink on the dash to go get some paper towels. While I'm getting sopping supplies,  Captain Fucking Freak Out knocks my drink off the dash and grinds it into the driver's seat. Man's best friend, indeed.

And Manly A Tight Knit Shop

Sun, 04/20/2014 - 02:46 — SarcasmoJones

Okay, so I have been putting a lot of gameplay vids on YouTube lately. Out of curiosity I checked the transcripts of some of the videos, and not only do they not match what I said, they're fucking hilarious. I don't know if my drawl is throwing off their word detector, but the transcript is not even close to what I said. I'll use my Titanfall video as an example:

 

See video

0:00

sir caspar Jones told find a comment

0:03

them plain cotton ball talk around it I'm not there yet

0:08

got number two to one and

0:11

doing Shack at back shooters

0:17

Reds game fat back shooter

0:20

parent times very

0:24

and manly a tight-knit shop

0:30

my you can get in it up acts

0:33

on

0:37

from john is a good and bad yes that's a good guy with a little red Holden

0:41

done and I know that's good yeah the air

0:46

enemy check that's a bad idea see the radical

0:49

disease I can get

0:53

the

0:56

publisher I L for whatever the other values

1:00

southern combat getting shot and a

1:04

back yeah and it made my okay

1:08

thank you ok sam za for

1:13

shop are know what's going on really GP-one know somebody that kills me

1:20

practice again of

1:23

people

1:27

back shooter

1:30

on

1:30

and it parent got killed anybody yet

1:39

but my I sacrifices been admiral

1:43

under somebody you star Mike Hill I did you do that

1:51

pants

1:54

and

1:56

okay back she actuators I Highland show Anna

2:04

this time I'm gonna kill somebody

2:07

and eat at Thai for need any

2:11

protective armor the change in

2:14

missiles and a projection

2:23

alone out here a team answer by Shaikh earlier mercy

2:30

don't use it strangle but specter

2:36

thank you sir yes

2:41

go I can some granite yeah

2:46

taste the lead of the Titans ready

2:51

how yet at their bounce

2:55

make sure I get back shown on the right grant Hughes

3:00

gone package might act make the magic happen

3:06

the you cannot was the improved

3:11

lolol I just got its

3:14

orkut prepares doc Walker

3:18

large better than I am take that

3:22

home Ono these two nations

3:29

I got some Korea's that single-bullet back in your face

3:33

0 her last long

3:37

hours evacuation plan as convenient have made one yet but

3:42

heart attack realize how for an

 I use Twitter to discuss many different things: gaming, politics, and heavy metal. Okay, I use Twitter for three things. As a way to riase awareness about Twitter's birthday they released an app that allows you to find your very first tweet. Here's mine from March 11, 2010:

"What happened to Splinter Cell:Conviction? It was supposed to be here in February..."

I guess we know which comes first in the Jones house.

2Old4Forza

Tue, 03/04/2014 - 01:17 — SarcasmoJones

 This may be one of the few places on earth where you can place in the top 1% and still be slower than 5 of your fucking friends...it's a love/hate thing.

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