I balance work and home with booze and shotguns!

HERE IS THE FULL STORY IF YOU MISSED ANY PART: Mary had a little lamb whose fleece was white and everywhere that Mary the lamb was sure to go. She was off on her way to school one day and her lamb followed her, she got half was across the farm yard when Farmer Brown stepped out from the stable. “Yah can’t take that lamb to school little Missy, your Father told me you can keep it here but a school is no place for a lamb. It’s just plain distracting for the other children.” said Brown. “You can’t tell me what to do Brown. It’s my lamb and I’ll take it wherever I want.” Mary shouted back, she was in no mood for this today. It was show and tell at her school. All the top 4H officials were going to be there and she wanted to show off her lamb that was sure to win first prize at the county fair this summer. Farmer Brown moved into the yard to block Mary from leading her lamb out. There they stood as the wind swept away an old brown tumble weed and dust swirled in silence. “This is your last warning or I’ll…” Farmer Brown was cut off as Mary kicked him in the shin, it didn’t hurt but it sure surprised him. He leaned out and tried to grab her arm but she was too quick and spun out away from him. Brown took a few more steps and tried again to grab Mary but to no avail. The lamb had scampered away and was eating some grass tranquilly by an old wooden trough. Mary darted for the stable and Brown followed swiftly in a way only a 40 year old farmer could. Brown entered the stable and the fine sweet smell of hay and dust was in the air, something blurred in his right peripheral vision and then he heard a sharp crack and a pain in his skull. He turned and Mary stood there with a mallet, a small trickle of blood ran down his head past his ear. “You are a young girl who needs to be disciplined for misbehavior!” He yelled in anger. “And you are an old farmer who smells of vinegar and old tires!” Mary yelled back fiercely as she charged him, but Brown was ready and picked her up off the ground, held her up high and threw her down. “Take that you little urchin of malcontent!” He said triumphantly. His moment of glory was short as Mary grabbed the mallet and smacked him in the knee. Farmer heard a crack and then a jolt like a bolt of pain lightning snaked its way up his thigh across his abdomen and chest then through his neck and into his brain. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! You little bit-“his scream ended abruptly as another smack hit the same knee blowing it out completely. The farmer fell like a large white oak in a wind storm smashing into the stable concrete floor. “Whose going to school now, biiiiittttcccchhhhhh!” Mary said with satisfaction she turned her head to look at the sweet lamb frolicking innocently outside. She turned back to Brown not to see the Farmer but the business end of a shovel…CRACK! She thought for a moment that she could see the three teeth that got knocked out of her mouth flying out towards the farm yard in bits of spit and blood as she twirled a 720 and rolled across the floor. Mary staggered up and faced Brown wiping the blood from her mouth with her arm. Brown stood tall and ready, holding the shovel like a samurai with a sword. Mary immediately took Panther Stance and raised the mallet ready to engage in a battle for the right to take her lamb to school…. To be continued! ******************************************************************** With eye’s locked Mary and Brown stood, paired in a silent charade of dramatic statue fighting. Both were breathing heavily not as if winded from a long run, but through their own immense hatred for each other. Yet this morning they were mere acquaintances until an impasse forced them to fight to the death, the fate of a little lamb, nameless except for the yellow numbered tag on its ear: 89943A. Mary could stand it no more and with a leap like a constricted spring being let loose she vaulted over tack and saddles and posts and straw to swing her mallet of destruction aka “The Barnyard Bone-crusher” aka “Heaven’s Hammer” aka “Brown Bane” aka “The Lover’s Quarrel” aka “Bet You Wish I had a Soul and I didn’t have to Eat Yours” at the samurai farmer. However, Brown was anticipating Mary’s action for he was older and had patience and she was young and fiery incapable of waiting for time to consume her. He blocked her attack with his shovel of cleaving aka “Brown’s Shovel of Digging” aka “Lucifer’s Nightmare” aka “Grave Snatcher” aka “Blue Bonnet Masher”. Sparks flew from the massive energy being released from the clash of such mighty weapons; it was like watching a tesla coil as blue and purple lightning crackled through the stable. Both parties were screaming at each other until a great explosion ripped them apart and the stable blew apart in every direction. The lamb unfettered by the stable suddenly disintegrating continued to nibble on some grass by an old red shed. Mary came too after a spell, opening her eyes to the light of the mid-morning sun. She rose from the debris and surveyed the scene; Brown stood not twenty feet away waiting. He move his arm up with his shovel over his other shoulder and made a come here gesture with his hand. “Fight me! If you dare…Sweetheart.” He said riley. “After I am done with you, you’ll be incapable of being anyone’s Sweetheart.” Mary said and charged. *********************************************************************** Pushing off each thrust of her leg Mary gained a good clip when she leaped high into the air, at an altitude not reachable by mere mortals Mary stuck out her foot and descended at an even greater speed towards Farmer Brown. Brown stood motionless until Mary was inches from him; he ducked and swung the shovel. He felt like Babe Ruth as he knocked that ill-tempered brat out of the barnyard and over the fence into the pasture. “That’ll teach her.” He mumbled as a small cloud of dust rose from where she had fallen. When fighting, some moves may seem intimidating but come across as flamboyant. They are as risky as naked fly fishing; I mean there are just so many delicate places a hook could land especially if there are a lot of people fly fishing naked. Mary lay on the other side of the fence realizing this was no ordinary farmer, she remembered her Dad saying that he’d been in Nam. Mary was no slouch herself she was a 45Xz1A 2000 Humanoid Cyber-Warrior from the Degausse Plane and had lived for thousands of years…think of lamb she said to herself. She thought not only of the lamb but of something else as well: although she was a renowned warrior in several galaxies and she had dispatched several million enemies she had never won a county fair, this could be her only shot. Brown turned his back, which was a crucial mistake. He immediately felt a kick in his back that sent him flying forward across the barnyard and into the farm house. He was kicked with such force that he smashed through the outer wall, through the family room wall, through the flat screen TV and was stopped only by the chimney. This would have out right killed a mortal man, but Farmer Brown was no mortal he was the Sky God King of Hammer Hell. He had killed millions of demon warriors and was known across several galaxies as the defender of truth and justice. He knew now that Mary was no normal girl, her Dad told him once that she was an exchange student, obviously from Europe…it all made sense. She had no respect for Brown’s rules and obviously no respect for his entertainment center. Brown raised his shovel and bellowed then a bright golden ray shot into the sky through his roof from his shovel. He had just called for reinforcements. Mary saw the golden ray of justice blast through the roof of the farm house. She put her hands together and called out psychically to the beyond, Brown wasn’t the only one who had friends who would fight by his side. After Brown’s beacon of golden light shot into the air several more golden beams shot into the air in the distance to the south, then a few more from the north, then even more from the west, soon golden beams lit up the sky around the farm. Mary watched as first the beams shot up into the sky and then seemed to slowly arc eventually they targeted the barnyard like little golden laser pointers. A pulse sudden shot from the far end of a beam and traveled through it like a conduit. The pulse slammed into the barnyard’s ground and in a flash another farmer appeared. Beams had arched into the pasture and all around the farm and pulses were coming in. Flash after flash emanated from each landing of a new farmer bent on the destruction of sweet little Mary. Her lamb lay sleeping on the ground next to the shed, dreaming of dancing with butterflies. ******************************************************************** Brown emerged from the farm house and said, “Now what you gonna do little Mary…prepare for judgment!!!” It seemed to Brown that he and his thousand farmer army had her quite out numbered. Suddenly the ground shook, merely a slit vibration at first and then a rumbling and shaking that he had to move from side to side to keep from falling down. Something burst from beneath the ground right next to him shooting right into the sky, then another thing shot up from the ground a few feet away, then another and another and another. So many things were shooting up from the ground he thought that with his shovel this could be like a whack a mole game. When the dust settled from the explosions, the battlefield was level once more for a thousand samurai robot warriors had come to the aid of Mary. For one brief moment Farmer Brown and Mary stood locked once again in the gaze of battle, for one brief moment a thousand farmers and a thousand samurai robots were locked in the same gaze and for one brief moment the lamb and a yellow butterfly were locked in the same blood thirsty gaze of the death dance. Then one small particle of pollen flew up one of the farmers’ noses, he tried to control his face but he had forgotten to use his Flonase this morning and it had been a particularly bad pollen season this spring. We all know what happens when you try and fight a sneeze, the sneeze will inevitably win. The farmer then sneezed the sneeze of all sneezes, it would be known forever on from that moment the sneeze of a thousand deaths. It broke the silence and cries and shouts followed by utter chaos and violence of the Battle for Lamb! ********************************************************************** Thousands of farmers and robot samurai warriors were locked in a death tango, an evenly matched tango of death. The most heated battle of all though was the tango of death between the lamb and the butterfly; it was also the cutest. Although some may find a skeletal samurai robot warrior stuffing a farmer through a farm house window cute, I mean they are all going to go for a beer later and laugh it off right? Mary and Brown both were bleeding from many many near mortal wounds. They battled fiercely, until Brown faltered and Mary’s death mallet connected with his jaw. A loud crack and his jaw would forever swing freely from his skull. Brown sank to his knee as Mary lifted the mallet high above her head ready to end this parade of violence. She stopped because Brown was laughing, not a laugh like Mary told him a funny joke but more the laugh of the Predator at the end of Predator. She saw him reach into his shirt as blood and spit drooled out of his mouth, then he pulled out a device which he squeezed in his hand. The Farmer said,” Ay ello, oooo aye or it all ace aser ith.” Which translates to all of us who still have jaws connected to our faces as:” Say hello to my orbital space laser…bitch!” A pale blue light shined brilliantly from above roaring down to earth. The light blinded everyone from miles around as it seared the farm and everything in it, then everything exploded because that is just how space lasers work. It may seem strange to those of us who think that lasers are not explosive but it just seems to make sense if you think about it more. After the dust settled some days later, a large crater was left where the farm once stood and in the middle of the crater was a lamb and a butterfly napping together along with a few thousand mangled corpses.