Porn Games, Kinect and Head Harpies

I think I am running out of ideas for Titles to my posts. Or...my head is on summer retreat and will return in the fall. Something...

So, I was yaking to a friend and mentioned how sex was really weird in games. We both thought that Resident Evil 5 has plenty of chemistry but somehow does this HUGE dance around the sexual possibilities (probabilities) between the two main characters. They are exceptionally attractive and sexy but completely a-sexual. On the other hand, Mass Effect 2 is like RABBITS IN SPACE. I liked Mass Effect 1. There was great chemistry between a lot of the characters and I had looked forward to the relationships being further developed but it was sort of the sexual partnering that was further developed. Anyhow, we laughed about the two extremes and I made the off-hand remark about how I thought that there simply had to be a proliferation of porn games out there somewhere. And my friend...being wiser...okay, truthfully....hornier than I, immediately sent me a link to a site that tah-dah. Yeah you guessed it. Had a proliferation of porn based games. Most were hentai anime based but....a few dealt with furries or mainstream game characters put into XXX versions. Wow-weee. What to do? We are gamers. We each started going through the list of games and giving them a try and given quick little reviews and comparisions. It was a lot of fun and different. Some of the games we surprisingly well done. Ooops...don't swan dive into the gutter here on me....I meant that they were graphically quite well done. Some were little more than clips put together but a few were absolutely full-motion games in a fun, naughty kind of way. What I really learned from these games? Women are as hopeless at communicating their needs in these games as they are in real life and the men are as pathetically unable to read our female brains as in real life. Hahahahaha. Yeah. It gave me a new appreciation when I had to be the male trying to discover what the girl wanted. For instance in a quite fun Fuck and Meet game (there is series of them) you have to touch (stroke) women in the right order if you wanna screw them. So you maybe start with an arm and she coos her approval and then you figure, okay we'll try the breast and she snaps "Don't do that!" and you're like "Um  okay. Lets try her belly with that very cute belly button" and she barks "I don't like that! Stop it!" and you go back to stroking her arm because she scared the shit out of you and she at least seems to like it but you ain't gonna screw her unless you GET IT RIGHT. Pressure is on and now I know why men sweat. So you stroke her thigh and she says "Oh, I like that" and you're thinking "Shit bitch, why didn't you just tell me that!" and then you stroke her tummy, her nipples, squeeze her boobs and then stroke her pussy, maybe insert a finger and YEAH, finally you can have at. Anatomically correct, mostly shaved pubes. Oh, the other thing I learned is that apparently we girls like cum all over our faces - a lot. Huh? Anyway, these porn games were lots of fun in their own weird way but wow, I decided that I am a dork and after playing a few of those games I decided I maybe need to be more verbal in what I want and thereby do more of my own cooing. Ahem...yeah.

They are kinda HOT.

OH! And if I wanted to pay money to play porn games (which I don't because I am a cheap gamester) then they get even more graphically sophisticated and realistic because they'll give you little sneak peeks and I was going OMG that is gorgeous! I am really afraid of what 3D is going to mean to pornography and porno gaming....because....its going to be amazing whether we want to face that reality or not.

OH! Which for some reason brings me to - I heard that Kinect is gonna be at EA!!! Is anyone else as stoked as I am for this wonderful little doo-hickey from Microsoft? What an exciting little gadget. Now I won't have to listen to the Wii-nuts boasting about gettin' fit cause I will be able to get fit too - with my 360 and Kinect. WOOT!!!  I seen pics - it is a sexy little beast...although I personally think Microsoft should offer it in 2 flavours. White and black. White because it goes with my 360...black because it goes with the elite 360 (owned by others). I envy the dudes and dudettes that get to go to EA and see all the nifty stuff that makes me purr like a self-satisfied kitty-kat. I think Kinect is suppose to be on the shelves in November which is good if it sooner than later in November because hopefully then the truth of it will be out - before I decide if it deserves my Christmas listing.

Finally - I went into a local collectibles and antiques shop looking for a charming piggy bank and spotted a copy of Dark Messiah for $4. They guy who ran the shop literally said "All DVDs are 4 dollars" DVD? He didn't know he had a 360 game...teehee. So at the risk of Dark Messiah only being worth $4 I forked over that heavy, heavy price in one twonie and two loonies. I started playing it this morning before getting ready for work (I am sad aren't I? I game as soon as I rise) and instantly it reminded me of Gothic. Does anyone remember Gothic? I played Gothic ages ago on my PC. It was corny, awkward but goofy kinda fun. Dark Messiah kinda reminds me of that...or maybe its my silly humour.

At the beginning I chose to be a Warrior and did the tutorial mission which led to my not only being sent on my way by my mentor to a far off village (how original) but my character was face to face with an attractive....um...uh......okay, I think she is some sort of a magey thingy, I wasn't paying particular attention at that moment...who my mentor Phenrig (or something equally awful) announces basically will accompany me and stick by my side. Yeah! Road groupie! Uh-huh. So we fast forward to the village far away and this chick, Xana is yapping about something. I am obiviously sitting on a horse, I can see it's head and ears right in front of me. I turn to the left to look at Xana. Nope, she ain't there. So....I turn to the right to look at the yappitty-yap-yap Xana. Nope, she ain't there either.  WTF? That is when I looked square between the horse's ears and thought "OMG - she is the horse! She magically turned into my ride. How freakin' original is that, I've NEVER rode my road-company before. That is so awesomely weird that she is my horse" but...she wasn't. When I realized that - after dismounting - she was an inner voice inside me - I was actually disappointed. And then, her being in my head got worse. It wasn't long before I got tired of her snotty attitude and constant belittling. When she told me to "Move faster" on the rooftops I thought what kind of pussy wimp warrior is this guy that he doesn't yell "GET OUT OF MY HEAD YOU HARPY BITCH!!!"  But...he never did...but its fun imagining him saying it...so my experience with Dark Messiah is not what it is or what is said but more what my imagination is making of it....not too horribly bad for $4 I guess.

I never did get a piggy bank.