Searching for roots

Thought I would give this blogging thing a shot, and thought what better place to share than with you guys. I've never been one to openly discuss my private business in an open forum. Recently I had some events transpire that I have an overwhelming urge to share. Not really sure why, maybe it'll help guide someone who is in the same situation I was in.

I grew up not knowing my real Father, and never got real clear answers from anyone about him. As I got older I pressed my Mother for some info on him, and always got the same answer. "He's probably dead or in prison, you're better off for not knowing him." This was her recurring answer to me, to which my Grandmother agreed. When I was around 18 my Mom first told me the story about him. She was young and in high school, she met my father at a Bad Company concert, and was attracted to him because he was a "wild child". He was a couple years older than her, rode a Harley, dealt drugs, robbed, got in barfights all the time. Your basic menace to society. She also gave me a name, John. Or "Big John" is what everyone knew him by. She also said that soon after they were together she found out that he was married, and that she didn't find out until she was already pregnant. So she hid the pregnancy from him, and cut all ties. I did some searching for him in the white pages at the time, but never found him.

The subject never really came up again until I was 28, I was on the phone with my Grandmother and she asked me if I ever tried to find him. I told her that I made a small effort but nothing real serious, I couldn't find his name and even doubted if my Mom gave his real name or not. She told me that she didn't make up the name, and told me that she knew my dad's mother and gave me her name. I got online and did a search for her on one of those people finding websites really not expecting to find anything. I was very suprised when the name had a match with about 7 other known family members, but none of them had the name John. I got the phone number it provided,and after gathering some courage i called. Nobody answered, and I didn't leave a message. About 5 minutes later I got a call back from the same number, but couldn't bring myself to answer. I was honestly afraid of being disappointed and decided from that moment on it didn't matter.

Well over this last Christmas I was having a talk with my 5 year old explaining to him that his Grandma was my Mom. So then he asked me "So who's your dad?" It caught me off guard, and I told him "I don't have a dad." Wrong answer to give a 5 year old, lol. So he basically grilled me, he did not understand how it was possible and I didn't know how to explain it to him. After that talk, I decided it was time for me to find my roots, good or bad and get some answers. I did a search again, but didn't want to call before I was sure if this was the right person or not. I got the names of the family members and went on to facebook and started to do some searching. It wasn't until I checked the last of the names on the list that I came across someone that matched with the name Paul, and lived not to far from me. I went to his page, and it was a guy in a wheelchair. I went through his pics, and saw that we shared some traits, but wasn't sure if it was my mind playing tricks on me. Could this be my dad? I grabbed the phone and called the number.

A younger woman answered the phone and then the conversation went something like this:

"Is this Betty?"

"This is Betty's phone, but she's not here. Who is this?"

"I know this might sound kind of strange but I think she was my Grandmother"

"Oh..." I hear her talking in the background to Paul, that's when I knew I had the right number.

"I think you have the wrong number, Paul doesn't have any children."

"Well, I'm not saying Paul was my father. The only thing I've been told is that his name was John."

"Big John?" the line goes quiet for a minute and I can hear her and Paul talking in the background.

"Honey, are you talking about Billy? Everyone called him Big John"

"Yes, that's right, my mom said he went by Big John"

"I'm sorry, but he's dead. He died last year in prison. He'd been there the last 25 years."

So that was that. We swapped some pictures, and after seeing his picture there was no doubt. I also found out that he has another son the same age as me, so that's going to be next on my list. All this transpired 2 days ago, and it's still trying to sink in. If I had have found him just a year earlier there would still be the chance that I could have talked to him face to face, but now I'll never get that chance. I'm sure this is just the way it was meant to be, but if I could do it over again, I would have searched sooner. I'm still not sure what he was in prison for, but I plan to find out, one of his brothers has been trying to contact me, so I'm giving him a call after I get done here.

R.I.P. "Big John"