Disasto-date-o-rama

It's been a while since i wrote anything down, and thats mainly because there's not been a damn thing to piss me off, life has been just peachy.

until this week.

 

not only did i lose my spectacles, lose my travel pass which costs 40 english pounds a month and nearly break my fingers in a freak gust of wind/bedroom door incident this morning, but i went on the fucking worse date ever. EVER.

a little bit of background: i split with my ex of four years in acrimonius circumtsance, i thought she was a money obsessed lunatic with an unhealthy personality when it came to being a normal human being, she thought i was a lazy hippy whose only concerns were gaming, smoking pot and partying, which for a Dj is pretty essential to our line of work. dont get me wrong i worked all week in a real job for the Ministry of Defence, and was a grown up in most respects, but she just wanted that company car and 80grand a year to make her happy, i am much easier to plase...i like beer, boobies and a quite life

 

without going into too much detail, the split left me wary of women, and petrified of relationships. i've been out of the game for about 18 months now (although i split with the ex 2 years ago, i'm not a nun) which is just compounding the situation.

so when this girl asked ME out i thought about it for a while...if 2 seconds is the exact measurement of a while and said "fuck it why not? how bad could it be?"

i'll tell you how bad. first date, we are getting along fine, i had a cider, she had a bottle of wine "its just nerves" i thought "stick with it" so after about an hour she goes from being drunk and flirty (i say flirty i mean horny, she whispered some shit in my ear that would make a bangcock brothel owner blush) to mad as fuck confrontational, accusing me of making eyes at girls, saying how rude it was on a date to look at other girls, all eyes on her please.

now i am, if i may say so, a gentleman, i can't help it, i'm english, i don't mean wet like hugh grant, i mean a gentleman, hold open doors, cover the bill, walk them home, let them make the first move in terms of physical contact etc..so there is NO WAY i would have done any the above.

so i try and get a cab for us, so i can drop her home to her flatmate and leave it there for the evening, maybe find out what my crew are up to, hook up, play some videogames and stuff, when she gets mad horny again and tries to convince me, at the top of her voice, in the taxi that what i want is a blowjob, i politely decline. we arrive at her flat, i carry/support/stagger with her to the front door where she makes a play again, i refuse, saying i'd prefer to wait until she is on the same planet as me *hahahaha joke joke hahahah* and she starts gettin nasty again when her flatmate opens the door, drags her inside, and then comes back out to say thanks for bringing her home, she heard her shouting, shes not normally like this, thanks again, and i jump in the taxi to my friends house. the taxi driver, some dude in his 60's looked in his mirror and burst out laughing and said one sentence that sums up the whole night "what the fuck happened there mate?" all this by....8pm. the sun hadnt even started to set.

i know this probably isnt sharing time with this one but i had to get it off my chest, my friends asked me what I did to piss HER off.

is it really that hard to meet sane, sober girls?

to be honest i am about ready to give up man...

 

 

 

 

Posted by redfive @ 12:10 pm EDT | Permalink | 2 Comments

I has a borked

i'm broken.

its all my own fault. i had a session with my gym instructor/trainer. whilst doing lateral squats with big ass weights i jokingly said "is that all you got? pussy." or something like that, just in a sarcastic kind of way as it was obviously a bit tastey. the dude is a former royal marine and was a PT instructor at that. he took that as "c'mon dude, stop being a fucking jess!!! break me"

it took me 3 minutes to get down the stairs in my house this morning. thats about 16 steps. i nearly burst into tears when i saw the queue for the lifts at work, only to be told they were fucked. so i then had to do 6 floors .

stop it. its not funny.

i'm wobbling around like my grandpa and swearing at young people just like he does too.

 

Posted by redfive @ 5:11 am EDT | Permalink | 1 Comments

made of WIN!

so it's boiling hot here in the uk at the moment. spring has sprung, the jackets are off. awesome

today its super quiet at work so they are letting permanent staff have a half day if they wanna take it.  awesome

so, living on the coast has its perks. i am off to the beach for the rest of the day. awesome.

3 x awesome = WIN

Posted by redfive @ 7:13 am EDT | Permalink | 1 Comments

Battle of the bulge

okay, so for a while now i have been losing weight by going to the gym everyday for at least an hour of cardio and weights. i gave up smoking dope, and thus eating shit food and moved onto a wholesome diet of green stuff and rice/pasta. so today i tried my very first "low fat" meal as i was craving anything other than pasta/ green stuff/ fish/ chicken.

where the fuck is the flavour? seriously, lasagne is a gift from *insert your deity of choice* and should not be tampered with except to make it healthier. but goddamit if they didnt take my favourite dish and suck the life out of it, all the cheesy, tomato-ey richness i was looking forward too

on the packet it said "treat yourself"...to what? food they wouldnt serve in a  prison camp? or if they do it would be some kind of horrific torture "here infidel have one of your tasty decadent western dishes....ha! SURPRISE!!!! we have taken this food and removed all the good stuff from it....how do you like them apples pig dog!?!"

fuck it seriously, tomorrow, i'll just run that extra half hour so i can eat the real thing.

Posted by redfive @ 2:45 pm EDT | Permalink | 2 Comments

welcome to the machine

so i'm working on this project, i think i whined about it last time, where i am helping with the merger of my department and another at work and integrating our policies and procedures. it's not so bad, it's hard going and total confusion reigns. i started smoking heavily again lets put it that way.

but last night...i can hardly type it i'm so freaked out...i caught myself sat at my laptop in my living room at 9.30 at night, updating excel spreadsheets and going through corporate jargon crammed presentation documents, planning training schedules while still sat in my work clothes.

i'm turning into my old man.

i called him in the states and informed him of such....he burst out laughing and in his weird NJ/New Zealand accent simple stated "welcome to the machine kid, you're gonna love it" well thanks a bundle dad.

 

it all started to go down hill when i cut my dreadlocks off.

Posted by redfive @ 2:51 pm EDT | Permalink | 1 Comments