The Date...

So I went out ths past Thursday with a very nice woman.  She was smart, educated, well spoken, funny...  I thought this was going to be the one but I was wrong.  I think I may have misread some signals when we first met.  That night she was definitely giving off some let's be friends vibes.  Ah well.  She was nice and I did like hanging out with her so that was cool.  I don't mind being friends.  I just wish it was going to be something else.

OMG I'm 35

So it's just after midnight. That means that techncially it's March 10th and I'm 35 today. Each birthday makes me reflect on my life and take stock. Am I where I want to be in life? Have I done the things I set out to do? I'm not sure if I am. Then again I always have some of the same thoughts every year. There is always something else I could have done. A decision maybe I should not have made.

So let's look back on 34 and see what I've accomlished:

• * I ended a very toxic relationship last year with Jim
• * I finally came out (not to everyone yet but a lot of people)
• * I moved out of the ghetto
• * I got promoted twice (2nd one just barely under the wire but it counts)
• * I had my first girl kiss (woo hoo)
• * I had my first girlfriend (ok ended bad but still needed to be done)
• * I made several new friends
• * I started living life for myself instead of my daughter all the time

• I guess 34 wasn't so bad after all. I can't wait to see what 35 will bring...

Gettin' My Learn On...

So this past weekend I went to this film festival on campus.  It was with the lesbian social group that I belong to.  Well I met a few new ladies that night.  We were all talking about school and several of them were saying that they had finished grad school.  One was working on her Masters.  So that got me to thinking about when I was going to ever finish my degree.  So today I decided to go back and get my degree.  I filled out an application for school.  I will work on my FAFSA this week.  I think that I am only going to go part time though.  I would still like to have a little bit of a social life.  I figured if I go part time I could probably afford to pay cash for it.  So I get the benefit of being able to defer my loans without getting any new ones.  Sounds like a win win to me.  This time I think I am going to take classes on campus.  I tried the online thing but that just let me slack off.  I think I need the accountability of going to the class room if I'm ever going to finish.  I think I am going to change my focus too.  Last time my focus was in database administration but I am thinking that I will focus on Project Administration this time.  Since I am working on the new job now, not sure if I mentioned that before, Project Management would be a good thing.  I am working on revamping the entire support department.  I'm going to be running it now.  Yay me!

Classes start next month and again in July.  I'm not sure which term I want to do.  Maybe sooner will be better.

Drunk Dialing

So since the break up Karen has been texting me like crazy.  She's doing her whole manic depressive I love you, I hate you thing.  One minute she texts me to never contact her again.  Then a few hours later she's telling me that she still loves me.  Yesterday she sent me a text asking if we could go out together as friends.  I texted back that I had plans, which I did.  So while I was she just kept texting me.  Apparently she decided that she needed to get drunk last night.  I think that is what fueled all the texts last night.  My friends were all telling me not to talk to her.  To just ignore her.  I did try.  Finally late last night I called her because she said she needed to ask me something.  She said she couldn't move on until she understood why this happened.  She wanted to know why I told her I loved her if I really didn't.  She wanted to know why I wanted to break up.  So I told her that I felt like I did love her when I told her that but now I realize that I don't.  Then I told her that she was smoothering me with all the constant contact.  She was upset and said I should have just told her it ws too much so she could back off.  She's probably right about that.  I could have told her but I don't really think it would have made a difference.  It was like the more I got to know her the more I realized that we weren"t right for each other.  We were just too different.  I like to go out and do things.  She likes to stay home and watch sports on tv.  I hate sports. 

To be completely honest I knew she wasn't my type to start with.  I really wanted someone who was more girly.  I told my friend Scott that I was only going to talk to her just to see what would happen.  I've spent my life doing what I thought I should.  I deciced to do something contrary to the norn and see what happened.  So even though what I was looking for was not her I thought, maybe it will work.  So I gave it a try and it didn't work out.  I'm sorry she had to get hurt in the process but that happens sometimes.  I did my best to let her down easy.  I guess there is just no easy way to break up with someone when they are into you. 

I did find out why she sent my that crazy text message the day after my uncle died.  Apparently she seems to think that I gave her an STD.  She said that she got sores on her mouth and it must be my fault.  She thinks that I knew I had something and just didn't tell her.  So I had to tell her the same thing I told her when we met.  I got tested for all STDs back in January of 09.  All my tests were negative.  So as far as I know I don't have anything.  If I did I would not go around having sex with people and not telling them about it.  I actually had forgotten that I did have sex with one guy since then.  So I guess there is a chance that maybe I do have something I don't know about.  I am planning on going to see my doctor to get tested for everything again.  I'm past due anyway.  She's doing the same.  I honestly still don't think I have anything but if I do I'll own up to it and tell her.  My friend Stephani said that cancer can also cause leasions in the mouth (that's what she said she had) and Karen did say that her cancer is spreading all over her body.  We've only been sleeping together for like 3 weeks.  I don't think herpes would so up that fast.  I really hope I don't have it cuz that would be really fucked up.  I do think that if we were supposed to be in a relationship she should have just sat me down and told me what she thought.  Her plan was to ignore it until she went to the doctor and then if her test was positive spring it on me that I was a liar.  I think that's pretty childish.

So Fucked Up

OMG! Things have gotten so fucked up over the last week.  So on Saturday morning I got a phone call from my mother at 3:40 AM telling me that my uncle died.  So I rushed over there only to find out that he was lying in the middle of the living room floor.  Mom neglected to give me that piece of information.  So I am there with my daughter and she totally freaks out.  Understandable of course.  We spend most of the morning over there waiting for the coroner and comfortating my grandmother.  Then I go home and crash and then come back.  So my entire weekend is devoted to family.  My cousin and I are elected to make all the arrangements.  On SundayI was pretty well mentally shot.  So a friend takes me out for a drink and to talk.  So while I'm dealing with this and trying to maintain my sanity my girlfriend sends me the following text...

WE NEED TO TALK! NEVERMIND NOT WORTH IT.

So of course I call her.  She refuses to tell me what it was about.  Then she asks if I've been completely honest with her about everything.  I say yes and ask what it's about again.  Again she refuses to tell me what she's talking about.  Then says she just wants to drop it.  So I hang up the phone but I am still dumbfounded.  How to you accuse someone of something, not tell them what it is, and then decide to just drop it.  The following day she was right back to her usual texting me non stop telling me that she mises me and loves me and stuff like that.  I know it sounds cute but it's so annoying.  I mean damn.  I can't deal with her constant need for reassurance.  Always needing me to tell her I miss her and I love her and blah, blah blah.  I need someone who has some self confidence in themself.  Someone who doesn't need me to constantly validate them.

So all this week she has been texting me all day with random stuff.  I told her I was home sick and she still kept texting and getting offended when I didn't respond back right away.  Aggravating!  So I finally decided that I needed to break it off with her.  It was just too much for me.  I talk to all my friends for advice.  They all agree that I need to just call her and do it.  So I call her up tonight to tell her what's up.  I try one final time to ask her what that text message was about.  She still refuses to talk about it.  So I am about to tell her that I think we should split.  Then she lays this bomb on me.  She tells me that her doctor told her that her cancer has spread.  It's stage 3 and she only has 12 - 18 months to love.

WTF!

So how the fuck do you break up with someone when they just told you that?  So all night tonight I've been trying to work that out.  We talked for a while then she tells me that she refuses to do any of the treatments that the doctors want her to do.  I tell her I can't talk to her about it anymore.   The fact that she isn't going to try and live really bothered me.  Anyway I end  up finally telling her the truth.  That I had planned to break things off before she told me all of this and that I wasn't sure how to work it out now.  That's the short version anyway.  Her response was to tell me to loose her number and tell me I was inconsiderate.  I guess that was just the anger talking.  I mean would she have really rather I stayed with her out of guilt?  That doesn't seem like the right thing to do.

I realized after she told me her news that I couldn't win no matter what I did.  It's all so fucked up but now I'm single again.  Life shouldn't be this hard.