I can't see worth a damn

I've worn glasses since the ninth grade, full time since the eleventh.  I'm sick of them.  A few years ago, I asked my optometrist about laser surgery.  He said "They're doing great things with astigmatism of .5 or less".  Much encouraged, I asked "What's mine?".  "5".  You'll notice the decimal point is after the 5.  Needless to say, the pop of my bubble was audible.  Well, the astigmatism is 6 now and I hate glasses, especially now that mine are starting to resemble the bottom of a coke bottle and $300 every 2 years even with insurance is really expensive.  Has anybody had a good experience with lasik for astigmatism?  Haven't even gone for an evaluation yet, scared I'm not a good candidate.  Somebody tell me a really good success story.

 

On a lighter note, what do you do with an elephant with three balls?  Walk him and pitch to the rhino.

Posted by alabama_old_fart @ 8:42 pm EDT | Permalink | 7 Comments

Love / Hate relationship

When I joined 2old2play back in '05, I was looking for a clan to join.  Found Art of War and played a lot of Gears of War.  A LOT.  Recently, several of us have started playing it again about once a week.  Now, I'm decent at most video games.  I'm a rhythm player and once I find it, I do pretty well.  Not gears.  I suck so bad at this game.  Can't snipe, can't hit anything with a torque bow, my boomshots seem to cotton candy, and nades blow up my team mates as much as they do the enemy.  Despise shotty circles, win one out of 50 consistently.  Can use the pistol, but they seem to have done something to my aim and I can't hit anything without sighting in which defeats the purpose when using it as a close quarters weapon.  I hate the stupid game.  On the other hand, the dead room is one of the greatest places around.  It's down to 2 players, each team is watching their last player, it's fun to watch them come across each other, often as a surprise to both.  Nothing's funnier than to watch someone peer cautiously around a corner, only to be stuck in the butt with a torque bow.  You just don't get that with another game.  And I normally play with the greatest pep talker in the world that inspires me to get 2 kills per match rather than my usual one.  Anybody else have a game they love to hate?

Posted by alabama_old_fart @ 2:38 pm EDT | Permalink | 4 Comments

MML Tourney

At the insistence of one of my clan mates and as a way to pump up Art of War, I signed up for this tournament.  Normally, I avoid these things as I tend to fold like a lawn chair, but hope springs eternal and maybe this time is the charm.  Anyway, one of the things for the draft was to post your k/d and accuracy.  Funny thing, almost every person's k/d is over 1.  Who the heck is everybody killing?  Are there that many bad Timmy's?  Or, I have heard stories of 2old2play people sitting in a corner and shooting people as they walk by.  Haven't witnessed this since we shamed some people for it in W@W.  Seriously, I would rather face a whole team of Stabby McStabbins than have 2 people on a team sit in a corner and aim at one spot waiting for somebody to walk by.  Deer hunting is a popular sport where I live and 90% of hunters build a stand in a tree, climb up and sit for hours waiting for a deer to walk by.  That's not hunting.  Put on a loincloth, track the deer, chase him down and cut his throat with a Bowie knife.  Don't sit in a stand with your long johns, insulated boots, heated socks, and wait for something to walk by.  

My k/d is 1.22 and my accuracy is 14.99, but I have gotten the accolade for the most kills in the match over 800 times.  Seriously, if this tourney turns into a camp fest there is going to one pissed off fart.  I realize I mixed my bodily functions there, but you get the idea. 

Posted by alabama_old_fart @ 10:56 am EDT | Permalink | 12 Comments

Does everybody fall into this trap?

Was playing CoD:MW last night with my buds and jumped into a room with another 6 playing as a group.  They were talking about a Weird Al song and one of them said, "That's before these kid's time".    I got to thinking, does everybody older than 14 fall into the trap of thinking every other player is a timmy?  They had us muted so they didn't hear my protestations of old age.  I'm only 7 years younger than Weird Al so  I bet he didn't make any songs before I came along.  It has been a mixed bag having to listen to timmy lately.  The almost continuous use of the n word bothers the hell out of me.  However, I'll treasure some of the comments.  After going 39 -3, I got a resounding chorus of "Alabama Oldfart is a retard".  I consider that an homage to my prowess and skill.  And, my rep is going down.  During WaW, I was 72 preferred or ambivalent and 28 avoided with unsporting being the main complaint.  Since MW2, 64 and 36.  I'm nowhere near Doctor52 level, but my goal is to get at least 51 percent avoided without glitching, trash talking, or quitting early, just unsporting.

On another note, my world here and my facebook world are beginning to merge in my mind.    Not the incessant "Don't accept friend requests from this person, it's a virus", but the "Post this if you love your mom" and "Post this if you think your kids are awesome".  Some of this started me thinking about old, trite sayings that don't make sense anymore

A penny saved is a penny earned.  No, it's not, a penny saved adds to the clutter on top of my dresser, and takes 15 minutes to roll 50 of them so the bank will take them and stains your fingers in the process.  $2 an hour is just not worth it.

A bird in the hand is just nasty.  They'll peck you, shit on you, and the mites crawl on your hand.

Early to bed, early to rise makes a man stupid and blind in the eyes.

Cousins are good for practice.

 

That last one isn't really in use much, it's just fun for me to throw it out there.

Posted by alabama_old_fart @ 2:45 pm EDT | Permalink | 2 Comments

Older euphemisms

I was playing the other night with some of my clan mates and I told one of the AOW "Tarts" she had a nice set of getaway sticks.  Out of the five people playing, nobody knew what I was talking about.  It took 2 more people joining until finally one of the 3 older than me knew what that meant.  Since then I've asked everybody and only 2 people knew it immediately and a couple more knew once they thought about it.  Has nobody watched Mickey Spillane?  Any of the old gumshoe movies?  I'm not a big fan, but I have sat down and watched a few, the ones where the private dick is in his office smoking, his drop dead gorgeous secretary comes in and announces an even hotter new client, yada yada yada.  I swear, pretty soon I'm going to mention Caddyshack or Porky's and somebody's going to say "I don't watch old movies" and I'm going to quietly turn off the tv, hike my pants up to my breasts, get out my black socks and sandals, and sit on the porch and watch the traffic go by while drinking bourbon out of a mason jar. 

If you don't know what a mason jar is, please don't comment on this, it will just make me feel worse

Posted by alabama_old_fart @ 5:17 pm EDT | Permalink | 5 Comments